After his rather embarrassing by-election launch for Aberdeen Donside which happened in, er... Edinburgh, Farage has decided to prove a point to the 'Union-Jack hating Jocks' and to conquer Eurovision for Gwate Bwitain!
His posh voice and rousing oratory were sadly drowned out in Edimbourg by angry Jocks and some English students singing 'bawbag' at him. Cue the 'taxi for Nigel' but unfortunately for Lord Falange, not one but two Edinburgh cabbies took one look at the millionaire charlatan and bolted.
He's back though and he has a band with him.
Monckton - not a swivel-eyed facsist
His aim is to recreate Bucks Fizz's barnstorming Dambuster raid on Eurovision in 1981 that stole the Euro crown from Johnny Foreigner. For this he has recruited one-time ego-rival Robert Kilroy-Silk to woo the ladies. Farage knows that Eurovision thrives on a certain freaky and boundary-pushing unpredictability and so has recruited fellow toff Christopher Monckton - a.k.a. 3rd Viscount Monckton of Brenchley. Monckton is said to be planning a pole-dancing routine he learned in one of Farage's favourite strip-clubs which will be so heavy with homo-eroticism that it will once and for all, end all rumours that UKIP are a fiercely homophobic party. Lastly, Oswald Farage knows the importance of youth and has signed up an edgy EDL football thug to provide a drum-n-bass style interlude and some 'muscle'.
However, the blogosphere has laid into Faradge with customary cynicism. Planet Ivy talks of its oddball members. A Thousand Flowers has the temerity to award Gills Farage with its 'Weekly Wanker Award'. National Collective has stepped in with a history lesson. And finally...
The good old British Broadcasting Corporation - that organ of Ugly Scottish Nationalism since 1707 - has weighed in to put in the boot...
Sometimes, living in Edinburgh, you kind of get used to living in the glow of history. Famous residents from Hume to Donnchadh Bàn. Superb architecture. A history of multiculturalism stretching back 2000 years and more - of Picts, Britons, Gaels, Angles, French, Italians, Flemish, Poles and many more.
And then... one of the most odious - 'charismatic' to the right-wing English press - figures to have slithered into the garden of English politics for many a long year, dares to come north.
A new pride is born, as this total cnt and charlatan, is sent packing by an angry crowd.
He's a millionaire businessmen, no doubt with financial interests across the globe. But he's anti-immigration.
Immigrants shouldn't 'take' our jobs but neither should they have benefits.
He's pro-strip-club but anti-gay. Hell, even the Tories for the most part have got over their anti-gay chip on their shoulder.
He wants 'independence' for the UK/England but thinks that Scotland's rather tame devolved parliament should be disbanded.
He's the dahling boy of the Daily Mail, who they hope will reach places that Mosely didn't.
And like so many before him, he's man with the posh accent who pulls the strings that make the bootboys dance. Worse, he pulls the heartstrings of misty-eyed Little Englanders who hanker for a past that never was.
What was once the Edinburgh Folk Festival has now become 'Tradfest' after a brief stint as 'Ceilidh Culture'. There's probably a fair bit of it that is worth seeing - Gaelic songs and poems from Perthshire don't often get an airing for example. However, far too much of 'trad' music seems to involve... people sitting down to 'enjoy' the often furious dance music of the past and/ or a misty eyed regurgitation of a long-gone culture. The point being that's it's ok to remember the past and learn about our 'tradtional' music as long as the current generation is creating something of its own for the future.
Sometimes, 'Celtic' fests can accommodate alternative music such as Les Ramoneurs who regularly play the Lorient festival in Brittany. There is a a feeling that in Alba such music is looked down upon by those for whom traditional is a profession.
This is probably why we won't see the likes of Basque-language punk-ska band, Hesian, in Dùn Eideann at Tradfest....
Though our nearest equivalent, Oi Polloi, is playing 3 gigs in 24 hours. Most importantly, two of these are in conjunction with the launch of a Gaelic sci-fi novel by Tim Armstrong. Tim once played in trad ground breaking indie-rock band Na Gathan, dabbled in some Gaelic electro-pop and fronted the superb Mill a h-Uile Rud who took their Seattle-based Gaelic punk around Europe with Oi Polloi with a BBC Alba film crew in tow.
One of the gigs is in a Leith Walk record shop and the other is on a boat. Dìreach far out a dhuine... Get your tòn along to one or both of them.
Iron Lady with your stone heart so eager that the lesson be taught
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.
Reincarnation may appear to be fantasy, unless of course Buddhists are referring to constant recycling of atoms from past lives that make up our present being. It may seem as if our present London government has ingested the atoms and spirit of Fred West or Harold Shipman but we're gonna have to bide our time for them to surface.
Thatcher will be dust and ash by the time this hits the net but her spores have been active since the dark years of her reign.
Her most notable legacy is the underclass that her policies created. But how has the arrogance, bloodlust, elitism and poshboy/ city slicker swagger been reincarnated?
Firstly, it must be that special relationship. Cameron and the soft Republican that is Barrack Obama can only dream of getting deep down and dirty like Thatch and Reagan...
Google street view works in hindsight.
She even managed to tug Labourso far to the right that they have their tongues up UKIP's sheuch.
"Oh Anthony... you came quicker than Ronnie."
Even the great white hope of Labour's Presbyterian wing had 'a meeting of the minds'.
An Old Testament kind of fling.
Unfortunately, Jimmy had got in there first...
"Your morgue or mine?"
And then it's on to her many god-children, such as...
Jeremy Clarkson
...and...
Mumfart and sons.... the original is even more horrific.
...and, worse of all, here in North Britain that likes to think of itself as a Tory-free-zone...
"The poor want something for nothing?"
Bearing in mind though that death is no laughing matter - unless you happen to be Rupert Murdoch and your favourite woman's government has sunk and killed a boatload of young Argentine conscripts in what amounts to a warcrime - then here's a picture of some people dressed in black:
How does it feel to be the mother of a thousand dead?
Young boys rest now, cold graves in cold earth.
How does it feel to be the mother of a thousand dead?
Sunken eyes, lost now; empty sockets in futile death.
Your arrogance has gutted these bodies of life,
Your deceit fooled them that it was worth the sacrifice.
Your lies persuaded people to accept the wasted blood,
Your filthy pride cleansed you of the doubt you should have had.
You smile in the face of the death cause you are so proud and vain,
Your inhumanity stops you from realising the pain
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.
You never wanted peace or solution,
From the start you lusted after war and destruction.
Your blood-soaked reason ruled out other choices,
Your mockery gagged more moderate voices.
So keen to play your bloody part, so impatient that your war be fought.
Iron Lady with your stone heart so eager that the lesson be taught
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.
Hard to believe that it's ten years since 100 000 took to the streets in Glasgow to protest, outside London Labour's conference, at Tony Blair's plans to invade Iraq with his right-wing Christian buddy, George W Bush. Labour tried at first to thwart plans for the demonstration and, when that failed, made sure that precious Tony was nowhere near events.
I never actually made it. I was part of some 2000 protesters left stranded on Edinburgh Waverley's concourse as trains from the capital to Glasgow mysteriously didn't materialise. Point made anyway, I guess.
Around a million marched in London Labour's spiritual home to voice their opposition to Labour's plans for an illegal war. Millions more marched in other European capitals.
Ten years later and we know all about the lies and propaganda. This time though, the propaganda is being aimed at Scotland's efforts to gain independence. Devolution proved no barrier to Scotland and her armed-forces being involved in another illegal war. More bizarrely, it seems many in the so-called 'Labour movement' and most in the so-called 'Labour Party' still want to wrap themselves in the Union Jack and hanker for Britain to rule the waives and retain her status as a 'major' world power.
Funny how the lines between Labour, Tory, UKIP, Ulster Unionists and the BNP become even more blurred when it comes to Britain's place in the world and more pertinently, her role as apprentice world-polisman - the US calls the shots as always. Previous objections to and principled stances against imperialism, xenophobia and warmongering are conveniently forgotten. The nation comes first, right or wrong - though it's 'wrong' to be 'nationalist' if you favour Scotland taking her place alongside other small nations who harbour little or no imperialist ambitions.
Fighting poverty, either home or abroad, comes somewhere down the list of priorities.
Tony Blair's reputation as a war criminal is one that should follow him, and Labour, wherever they go to seek votes. That goes for Labour in their own right or as a part of the Better Together anti-independence front with right-wing British Nationalists.
The reaction to the Pope's resignation on 'health grounds' will surely be 'aye right' if you're Scottish and cynical. And let's face it with a history that encompasses almost all shades of religious mania from Catholic witch hunts to Presbyterian extremists to Orange Order violence and latterly Islamic jihad against Glasgow airport - we Scots have a right to be cynical of religion.
I don't usually subscribe to wild conspiracy theories but it seems as if the nature of the Catholic Church is to cover-up secrets while maintaining the right to stick it's nose into the lives of others. Especially the sex lives of others. So, accepting the premise that a Pope resigning due to old-age is bullshit - how many Popes have we witnessed who were obviously plugged in until eventually the wires frayed? - what could be the real reasons for the Pope's premature ejacu divestment of his responsibilities?
The sheer weight of the global Catholic sex-abuse scandal? There seems to be 'a priest a week' being unmasked as a child abuser. With so many cases brushed under the carpet, why stop now?
The Magdalene Laundries? Shameful as it was, the collusion between the Irish state and the Catholic Church to enslave and abuse women who they deemed as 'unclean' or 'immoral' was confined to one small part of the global Catholic empire. Not a big enough fish.
Pope Ratzinger's Nazi past? Old news and while the RCC was guilty of complicity with the Nazi regime many individuals did resist Nazi tyranny. And while Ratzinger joined up he was probably too young to have too much of say so stories of his hand on the trigger as Jews, Slavs, Gypies or homosexuals were sprayed with gun fire are unlikely to surface.
Financial? Possibly. Maybe some back-scratching with Silvio Berlusconi?
We may never know. But that doesn't stop us speculating on the next old man to wear the silly hat. Some have speculated that a Third World Pope may be in order. Possibly but who's to say that someone from our very own Gr8 Britane could not step into those holy robes?
Let's go fishing...
Racist and homophobic Leigh Griffiths.
Leigh Griffiths - still in his early 20s so no chance of him being too auld anytime soon despite his haggard appearance. He's certainly right-wing enough with a history of racist and homophobic abuse against members of the public. However, even the RCC has sought to distance itself from its Nazi past in recent decades. Bit of a trouble maker though. Fortunately, if the Pope gig falls through Leigh knows that Hibernian FC - the 'holier than thou' club of Scottish fitba - will always give him a home.
Let us prey.
Tony Blair - has converted to Catholicism in recent years, perhaps with one eye on attaining the Vatican throne. Like Leigh Griffiths though, his past is a bit problematic - namely being a war criminal. However, the RCC found it within itself to accommodate Adolf Hitler and Franco as buddies in the past so who knows... Pope Antonio of Sedgefield step forward?
Notorious heterosexual Clarkson.
Jeremy Clarkson - a master of making offensive comments like many senior Catholics. His posh-school upbringing may stand him in good stead but his wide variety of victims could be problematic. Sure he's got problems with women's rights and homosexuality but he also has chips on shoulders regarding the disabled, Mexicans, Indians, Scots, Germans and the Welsh which would leave the Vatican with little wiggle-room in their global contest against Islam and Judaism to covert the gullible.
"In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has
forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than
Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet
that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box." –Seth
Meyers
Eating meat does not offend me. I don't eat it and never will, knowingly, eat it again. Especially when I see the kind of meat which passes for edible these days.
As someone who found the Scotch pies with broon sauce at fitba games the hardest thing to give up during the transition to a meat-free diet, I can also sympathise with those whose intake of flesh is at the 'junk' end of the market. No venison, oysters or shark steaks for me as a teenager.
Onion rings or horse rings?
The recent, and seemingly ongoing, furore over horse meat in Tesco burgers - and elsewhere - does leave me somewhat smug though. And, not being of the Daily shock Mail mentality, the choice of animal does not really phase me. Killing an animal, foul or fish is just that - whatever the species. They have a right to life or they don't.
Horse chestnuts or horse nuts?
What most in the media seem to have missed though is the nature of the meat rather than the species. If those suppliers of Tescos, Iceland, Aldi, Burger King and McDonalds and willing to cut corners on the genus of the animal they slaughter, I'm willing to bet the body part they supply is of no more consequence. Does anyone think the horse meat in a Tesco burger is really in the same ballpark as the horse-steaks served in a Michelin-starred Paris eatery?
Chick peas or chick shit?
Even if I were to still eat meat, I'd probably boke at the thought of getting my laughing gear around minced and seasoned horse testicle. Each to their own though and if having a deid horse's genitals in your mouth floats your boat...
The reasons then for going vegetarian are still much the same as always, even accounting for the fact that soya is the number-one cash crop of environmental misery in the world and really isn't very good for you anyway...
It's compassionate. Unless you live in Greenland or in an Amazonian tribe you could probably live very easily without meat.
It's green. Leaving aside the reputed 'fart factor' in the greenhouse gas tally, stuffing cattle with tons of vegetable matter to feed a few, instead of thousands, just doesn't make sense.
It's healthier. Let's face it - how many of you catch/ rear, slaughter and skin your meat. Even if you do you'll have to eat sparingly or get a huge protein overdose with a lump of flesh lying barely digested in your gut.
Some reading... Food Matters - Not sure of the veracity of all their info, but it's still entertaining and even if half of it is true... Supersize Me - mind this one? The whole film is on YouPornTube Fast Food Nation - another, more serious look at the meat industry. Vegetarian Society - want info? Is tofu bad...? - discussion on the environmental pros and cons of vegetarianism The dark side of Soya - article from Ecologist
In two years, this day could be fkn huge. The mother of all independence days. In the meantime, pour yourself a Laphroaig and sing along.
First up, Frightened Rabbit. The sentiments of this song could only be more Scottish if they were sung with alternating verses in Gàidhlig, Pictish and Brythonnic.
Next up is the (haggard) face of new Gaelic music. Except, it's an auld song in English. The topic though is one that is still sadly current. As long as we still have native Scots living in damp caravans in Lochaber or Skye while the rich of many nations own acres of land, we won't be free as a nation. Independence is our chance to solve this injustice.
Lastly, we have a Sasannach and ex-Labour supporter reminding the current Scottish Labour leader that pensioners, the sick, disabled, unemployed and students don't wan't "something for nothing". Especially while London's governments, both Tory and Labour, plough £billions into war.
Slàinte mhath. Air adhart do Alba shaor aig a bheil ceartas na crìdhe.
Tired of the meeja coverage of Mick Jagger shaking his wrinkles with his fellow lovers of under-age lovers? As someone who was old enough to know what it was all about at the time, I still wonder why Bill Wyman didn't get the Gary Glitter treatment after he managed to get a lumber with Mandy Smith at the tender age of 14.
Hesian, London 2012
Never mind, I just wish I'd be able to have been present at the Basque Solidarity Sound System gig in Brixton last weekend. Raising money for and awareness of the blight of Basque prisoners in Spain, London and Edinburgh was the aim of the event. I can only hope that the likes of Hesian, Itziarren Semeak and Siroka make it up Scotland sometime soon.
Union Jack? Thall is Cac.
In the meantime, the once legendary - in some circles anyway - Antisect take the stage at Edinburgh Bannermans this Saturday. These noisy and political anarcho-punks from way back apparently influenced the likes of Neurosis and Godflesh. Expect some unremitting heavy music and harsh harsh vocals that will make Tom Waits sound like Jagger. Support comes from Dùn Eideann's premier purveyor's of Gaelic punk-rock, Oi Polloi.
On the downside, we hear that Liet International has convened a mysterious 'committee' that has 'chosen' a predictably dismal and not so 'ùr-nosach' piece of music to represent Alba in the minority language version of Eurovision. In the past, the great unwashed got the chance to vote for the likes of Welsh ska-indie music or Gaelic indie music to compete with Basque language rock music or Latvian death metal. This time, the plebes didn't get a vote and Gaelic Scotland is taking one step forward and two back in terms of 'new' music. Hey-ho, let's not go...
His posh voice and rousing oratory were sadly drowned out in Edimbourg by angry Jocks and some English students singing 'bawbag' at him. Cue the 'taxi for Nigel' but unfortunately for Lord Falange, not one but two Edinburgh cabbies took one look at the millionaire charlatan and bolted.
