Those leadership canditates for the Unionist parties.

Its high time for those Unionists to live up to their ideals and unite. Having a 'Scottish' leader who takes his/ her orders from London is not enough. Why don't they actually... unite? Furthermore, surely it's time that they have a leader that embodies their right-of-centre orientation.

Here goes then...

Oswald Mosely. Surely a man to whom the words 'British' and 'Union' have become synonymous? His vision and discipline are just what is lacking in the current sad crop of Unionist duds in Scotland. There is the small matter of him being dead of course. However, we understand that Glasgow's very own Psychic Barber is willing to mediate with a ouija  board. Initially it was thought that he'd be a natural for the Tory wing of the Unionist alliance. However, his penchant for moustaches, uniforms and large numbers of marching men appears to sit uneasily with the more conservative family value types.

The Reverend Doctor Ian Paisley. If you want a man to say 'never, never, never' to an independent Scotland whilst also saving this auld nation from sodomy, then Ian's your man. However, he's also getting on a bit and is a bit close to Mosely, both in political persuasion and mortality. Like Mosely, he likes marching, often wearing a bright orange and purple 'sash' and proclaming the memory of King William of Orange - the Dutch religious tyrant and notorious homosexual whose orders saw the MacIains of Glencoe massacred in their beds. He may be too left wing for Labour though.

The Reverend Ewen Aitken. Last but not least.  This is the renowned Edinburgh Cooncillor and former leader who unsuccessfully challenged Kenny MacAskill at this year's Scottish elections. Aitken is famous for being a 'conductor on God's tramline' as well as for being an enthusiastic supporter of Edinburgh's own disastrous tram project. Aitken, with God on his side, may be a formidable leader of the Scottish Unionist alliance though others think that there's 'something of the night' about him. There may also be a few skeletons lurking in his vestry such as his 'promotion of porn' stooshie a few years back.