If drams were political parties...

...just who would they be?

With Euro election day almost upon us and the likelihood once again that less than a third of voters will bother to turn up, let's have a whisky slant on the proceedings. Actually, a 30% turnout is probably a gross overestimate, given the current wave of scrutiny that is sweeping the mutha of parliaments in London town and leaving all kinds of nasty, foul-smelling detritus in it's wake, much to the distate of the mob. Btw... this probably won't be a comprehensive list due to the sheer bewildering number of parties and attention seekers standing in this election. Apparently, Susan Boyle, Richard Branson and Robert Kilroy-Silk were too busy on other platforms to take part. Shame.

Ok ma-tha... here we go. In no particular order.

SNP - Ardbeg Renaissance. Exhaling confidence, Salmond's Fianna are strong, smooth and full-bodied. Apart from one or two minor aberrations, can do little wrong at the moment.

Labour - SMWS's Dirty Dram for Mary Poppins. Despite being from the same distillery as above, this indie bottling is described as being like an ashtray. That's Labour for you. Foul smelling and nasty, there's very little that's positive about it. In fact, it may seriously damage
your health.

Tory - Ledaig. As sickly as Labour, it's never really taken off in Scotland. Tries very hard to be smooth but ends up being kind of soapy. Imagine the Billy Bunter-esqe David Cameron (Camshron in Gaelic means crooked nose. Wonder if that carries any significance? Maybe just crooked will do.) painting boot polish on your tongue. You know you don't want this.

Green Party- Benromach Organic. It might not set the heather alight - too much carbon release there - but it's fairly inoffensive and actually quite tasty in an honest sort of way. Wholesome. This is a policy that others may soon adopt. Bruichladdich has one in the pipeline. Expect Gord Broon to jump on the bandwagon soon.

Lib Dems - Jura Superstition. Was temtped to type in 'Babycham'. It's kind of superior to the bog standard but it's not the kind of stuff that really inspires. Kind of wishy washy and not really gonna do anything. Er, that's it.

BNP and UKIP - Lidl's Queen Margot. Cheap and nasty. Appeals to the lowest scummy denominator. Only good for cleaning windaes. In fact, leave it in the (white) trash where it belongs.

No2EU: Yes To Democracy - Famous Grouse. Hmmm, this is difficult. For a start, just who TF are they? Well, Tommy Sheridan is in it. It may have some good points but then again... So, like the FG, you may have voted for it once upon a time but now you no longer wish to feed it's ego.