The Nazi, the Scotsman, Gaelic and Rasta Mouse

What a melange! And only the English language could have such a groovy word as 'melange'. I bet those French are still trying to get their tongues are 'entrepreneur'. Whatever, it seems as if tongues have been winding people up big time.

The Gaelic tongue has wound up the usual bigots - a small but vociferous minority who think that Gaels don't pay taxes and that money spent on Gaelic could be better spent on Trident missiles and an Anglo-German wedding due to take place in April. They also believe that the multitude of Gaelic placenames in Edinburgh and the Lowlands in general means that... Gaelic was never spoken there. Apart from having unreason on their side and George W Bush in charge of history lessons, the anti-Gaelic brigade have enlisted the help of Third Reich apologists. I guess this must tie in with the Royal Wedding somewhere...

Marilyne Maclaren - "Speak English or die"

 Last week, the stooshie surrounding Edinburgh's Lib Dem education chief and anti-Gaelic bigot Marilyne 'Butterball' Maclaren prompted a flurry of... er one letter to the local organ of truth, the Edinburgh Evil News. This letter came from none other than Alistair MacConnachie or in the original and ironic Gaelic Alastair MacDhonnachaidh. He railed against the fact that Gaelic speakers were indeed bilingual and therefore should ALL use English whether they like it or not. To quote:

Rather, it is a deliberate political project intended to promote a particular concept of Scottishness.

This is done in order to revise our history as if to suggest that such Gaelic represents some kind of "authentic" Scottishness which has hitherto been "repressed" by the English speakers, and to make uncomfortable those Scots and other British who do not identify, or who are unsympathetic, with this element of our history.

In short, every time we see a bilingual sign it is a little bit of ethnic cleansing propaganda from the SNP administration telling us: "If you don't like this, then xxxx off to England."

We've been here before, several hundred years ago.

The Hasselhoff of UKIP

But who is this anti-Gael who bears a Gaelic name? You could maybe forgive his ignorance as it turns out that MacConnachie was born in Hong Kong. No Asian he though. This is the man who hit the headlines a few years ago as the Scottish organiser of UKIP who denied the holocaust. UKIP stood by their man though until MacConnachie left - after it seems that UKIP discovered his attempts to play the lead part in the Hong Kong version of Knight Rider - to set up a one-man show known as Sovereignty. He uses this to campaign under the pretence of being 'independently Green'. Despite this, postings to blogs reveal that he still harbours a hatred of the Jews and reckons that... well let's give this basket case the free-speech he wants:

Is sucking up to Jews a requirement to get into heaven these days? Strange...never used to be!

If you were Jewish, I would understand your attitude, but since I presume you are a "Christian", then I advise you to pray deeply and ask your Maker just whom Jesus would bomb.

The Scotsman and its sister rags regularly prints letters from this neo-Nazi bampot. Further proof of the Scotsman's decline since... since the days the Highlanders called it 'the Daily Liar' due to its support of the Clearances. Now, who said the enemy was English?

But, the weakened defences of the endangered English language are not only being besieged by Gaelic speakers demanding services in return for their tax money - imagine that?! - but by a cartoon mouse who speaks in Jamaican English. Rastamouse has raised the ire of English people who can't decide if this mouse who speaks like a bleckmin will sully their children's education or will upset the blecks themselves. Here's the BBC's response. Here's another message to rearrange: life/ a/ get.

More bad news though for the Invisible Knights of the British Empire in their struggle to defend the Queen's English against Celts and cartoon Rastafarian mice. Tocasaid can reveal that from next year the new presenters of Blue Peter will be... 

Buju Banton, Donaidh Dotaman and Katie Price.

Blazing Saddles surfaces in Top Gear

Not being a fan of expensive metal boxes on wheels, I'm not really into Top Gear. And not being an middle-aged overweight sleazy right-wing private school rugger type, I think that Jeremy Clarkson is a prize bawbag. The team of misfits and freaks have now shown how brave and witty they are by insulting Mexicans. Needless to say, this was done at a safe distance of several thousand miles. Were they to try out their 'edgy' humour on real Mexicans in say, Tijuana, they might actually find themselves beheaded by one of the local drug gangs. That though would assume that these thick middle-class white boys were intelligent enough to speak Spanish.

There are some in Scotland who think that the arrogant, bigoted and posh Sassanach as embodied in the Top Gear team is representative of the English generally. While there are those who even when being benign treat us and others like curious pygmies, it is telling that you rarely hear a working-class English accent in either Top Gear or amongst the 'white settlers' who come to Scotland.

For the uninitiated, Jeremy Clarkson is himself a stereotypical motoring nerd. Podgy, white and privileged, he attended - surprise, surprise - a posh English private school whose 'edgy' former pupils include the Earl of Scarborough. Cool or what? He is attended to in his program by sleazy lizard eyed short-arse Richard Hammond. What is more worrying is that Hammond - who looks like the offspring of Fred West and an iguana - also pops up in a sleazy black leather trenchcoat on a kids' science program. Hammond's forked tongue is usually seen zipping in and out of Clarkson's bum sheuch while Jeremy guffaws like a typical public school oaf. Is Hammond exempt from Disclosure checks? Lastly, is the ironically effeminate James May who could possibly be the bastard son of Michael Heseltine and Anne Widdecombe. Is it my imagination or does he wave his bouffant grey mane as a nervous tick adopted as a result of being bullied at school? Apparently he often takes the role of 'the biscuit' when the other two engage in the schoolboy masturbatory pursuit of 'shoot the biscuit'.

Steve Cougan, a man who has spent the last decade searching for a funny joke, succinctly summed up the generally sad nature of these dicks in the Guardian. Here's a taste:

Richard has his tongue so far down the back of Jeremy's trousers he could forge a career as the back end of a pantomime horse. His attempt to foster some Clarkson-like maverick status with his "edgy" humour is truly tragic. He reminds you of the squirt at school as he hangs round Clarkson the bully, as if to say, "I'm with him". Meanwhile, James May stands at the back holding their coats as they beat up the boy with the stutter.

Reading about three privileged white guys rip the easy piss out of a safe target reminds me of yon railroad scene in classic film Blazing Saddles. In the clip below, I wonder if you can spot the Top Gear guys amongst the white boy braindoners seeking to exploit those they see as below them? All in all, this film that has more genuinely laugh-out-loud edgy witty and un-PC humour in its first 5 minutes than in the combined 'creative' output of the Top Gear team - and that includes their various columns in such rags as The Sun, Times and Daily Telegraph.

Egypt and the evil that is Tavish Scott

With the saga that is Egypt's current uprising against dictator Mumbarak still playing on our TV screens, English telly has never  been so outward looking. Not since, perhaps pictures of starving Africans were shown 3 decades ago was so much airtime wasted on news that didn't concern Great Britain. Two-faced millionaire Nick Clegg was pleased by this - he described the ongoing battles and deaths as 'exciting'. I somehow suspect that he's never been charged by police on a picket line and I know that his children won't get involved in the kind of gang violence that leaves youngsters dead in the slums that still blight Glasgow.

The situation in Egypt is indeed sad. The loss of human life is not something to celebrate, especially when the chances are that this struggle could all be in vain. As we've seen in the past, religious fascists such as the Taleban, Ayatolla Khomeni or Egypt's Islamic Brotherhood are always willing to step in to fill the void. They are often well enough organised and fuelled up on god-given zeal to complete their mission too. For an account of how Islamic fascists hijacked the mainly socialist revolution in Iran that overthrew a UK-backed dictator, read/ view the graphic novel/ film Persepolis. Here's hoping that Egypt doesn't soon see young Egyptian corpses hanging from lampposts after being found guilty of un-Islamic practises such as being socialist, gay or independently female.


The only thing worse than this would be if Satan-faced non-entity Tavish Scott flew in to Cairo to weasel himself into a 'coalition government'. In the year that sees Scotland's electorate choose a new government we see Scotland's Unionist opposition plumbing new depths in mediocrity. This is even being acknowledged openly in the media. I heard one independent political researcher talking of the choice between Alex Salmond's SNP and the respective parties lead by the limp and uninspiring Iain Gray and Tavish Scott. He observed that even if you didn't agree with Salmond, you could at least recognise that he was fighting for a distinct cause. What are Gray and Scott fighting for? To protect devolution? That's hard to imagine as they seem reluctant to even implement the Calman proposals which they spent our money on researching. It may be mildly interesting to note that 'calman' is Gaelic for pigeon/ dove. I hope then to see Iain Gray later this year puffing out his large grey chest as he strutts around Princes St gardens pecking up crusts thrown by an uninspired public.

But what of Tavish Scott? He of demonic countenance? He is a typical two-faced mealy-moothed Lib Dem. During the snow chaos which hit Scotland, he hit new political heights by calling for the resignation of the Scottish Government's transport minister. When the same chaos hit England a week later, the calls for the Con-Dem counterpart to resign were... not forthcoming. Fancy that! Irrespective of political allegiances though, the word on the street... well from civil servants in the Scots Parliament who have to deal with him, is that Tosspot Scott is an arseloch par excellence, if you don't mind the Franco-Germanic profaning.

Interesting fact and further proof of diabolic status - Tosspot Scott was born on  6 May 1966. Amazing but true - check it out.

"I used to be a cauliflower-like growth this size on Clegg's anus."

The only other interesting fact regarding Satan-face is that prior to becoming an MSP in 1999, he enjoyed an existence as a cluster of warts around the anus of the then unknown Nick Clegg. Known in colloquial parlance as anal cauliflower, Scott is said to 'have enjoyed immensely' just hanging around the biggest a-hole in London. Despite being the most interesting, active and honest period of Tavish Scott's existence, being an anal cauliflower was to provide Scott with the perfect grounding to become the leader of the Lib (but also Con/ Labour) Dems in Scotland.


Egypt beware.