What now for Lewis in the new age of reason?

The first 'Sabbath ferry' has come and gone, with the cheers of hundreds of well-wishers replaced by the normality of everyday public transport that most of Scotland normally enjoys. It's early days, but the Calvinist god has yet to visit his wrath upon CalMac or those islanders who have campaigned long and hard for this service. The hardline Presbyterians, despite their warnings of dire consequences, have gone back to bickering amongst themselves. The purer they get, the fewer. But for the rest of us, the dark ages are receding into the past.

Leodhas agus Na h-Eileanan Siar remain remarkable places. They possess beauty and culture. And a declining population.

So what now? Well, despite the progress-phobic Comhairle nan Eilean Siar, the islands have two hardworking representatives in both the Edinburgh and London parliaments so things aren't looking that bad. Here though, is an opinion of a Gaelic-speaking outsider.

Gaelic - Use it or lose it. It is a national treasure and the Islands are probably the last place where Gaelic is still used in industries like crofting and fishing, the media, in cultural events and now at official level too. As Brian Wilson of the West Highland Free Pravda once said, 'there is no value in just being the same as everyone else'. The Welsh do a lot more for their language than native Gaels do. Gaelic Medium Education should be the standard for all kids in the Western Isles. At the very least, they would speak better English but it should also go a long way to sustaining our indigenous language. We should throw the Scots' cringe on the same scrapheap where Calvinist scaremongering now lies.

Renewable energy - waves, wind and sunshine. Well Na h-Eileanan Siar has two of them in abundance. But windfarms should be run by the local communities and primarily for their own needs. Any surplus can then be sold on. Same goes for the huge coastline and Atlantic swell. Use it. Jobs for local people, clean energy and any profits can go back into creating better services for the community. Why shouldn't Carlabhagh have a sports centre? If Norway can do it for their 'remote' communities... Maybe John Macleod (continuing) could be harnessed and his hot air used to heat old folks' homes and his Daily Mail columns dug into the machair to compost crops of tatties?

Traditional industries - crofting, fishing, Harris Tweed and building. Support them with tax-breaks or whatever. If multi-national companies can be 'enticed' to relocate to Scotland with £millions in grants and tax-breaks then why can't the same logic be applied to rural communities with fragile economies and declining populations?

Cheaper fuel - Here's an idea. See them toffs in Edinburgh's New Town with their huge 4x4 wanktanks? Tax them to fck and then use those taxes to subsidise fuel in the Western Isles where people actually do need a car or SUV. There's a cruel irony that oil tankers carrying fuel sail past the islands so it can be offloaded near Glasgow then transported back up to the islands by road.

Whisky -Add this to the traditional industries. The new Abhainn Dearg distillery in Uig will have it's first legal whisky ready for the Stornoway Mod in 2011. There's also a planned distillery in Barraigh. Tax reductions on whisky would go a long way to helping them survive and expand.

The land - If the grey carbuncle of Fort William can reinvent itself as the 'outdoor capital of Scotland' then the Western Isles can go one better. Use it to attract extreme-sport enthusiasts and Australians to fling themselves of Rubha Robhanais and bungee themselves back to the lighthouse. Plant new crops. Apparently, cannabis can grow virtually anywhere and needs next to nothing in terms of fertiliser or pesticide. Turn it into medicine, clothes, boat sails... cupcakes?

Back to the future - Bring back things we used to have. Shinty for recreation - Camanachd Leodhais are already underway, replant the forests, use the Norse mills for small-scale and localised power, hunt the whales and dolphin with cameras and enthusiastic tourists...

This might be a bit of effort of the part Comharile nan Eilean Siar, the Scottish Parliament and the expensive one in London... but, ged 's fhad a-mach Barraigh, ruigear e.

Good Edinburgh Whisky pubs part 3 - Mathers

Broughton Street would surely make an excellent anthropological study. About ten years ago, i overheard a local woman telling her boy, 'aye son, i remember when this used to be a working class area'. As i one-time resident for many years, many years ago, i've seen it go from rough and run-down to a trendy 'metrosexual' centre for absurdly dressed Ben Fogle-type refugees from the south of England as well as those wanting good cheap scran at places like the Basement, Blue Moon or the Rapido chippy.

The Phoenix was infamous for it's fights and 'erotic' dancers. The Unemployed Workers Centre used to reside here until the Labour 'cooncil' cut funding and it became little more than a vegan-cafe and a place where the Irish Republican James Connolly Society assembled to launch a banned march that was violently stopped by Lothian and Borders fat boys in blue. There was the Lesbian and Gay Centre giving out free condoms in the fight against AIDS and occassionaly repelling gaybashing skinhead bigots from the BNP. The Basement, used to be the 'Blues Basement' and was similar to today's Henry's Cellar Bar with a variety of indie, rock and punk bands playing. Ironically enough, when it became the Basement as we know it today, the first chef and he who instigated the Mexican themed menu was the ex-drummer of local punk stalwards the Exploited. He was Californian btw...

There are still some havens though for Scots who....

• are heterosexual
• have an income of less than £50k per annum
• wish to have a drink without picking up an Oxfordshire accent

Mathers, near the top of Broughton Street is one such place. A large blackboard on the right as you go in advertises it's wide range of malts at pretty reasonable prices for a city centre pub. It has the likes of Linkwood, Old Pulteneys 12, 17 and 21, Caol Ila 18, Edradour, Bruichladdich Waves and many others. We were pleased to consume Glenfarclas 105 Cask-strength at £3.25 and a Gordon & MacPhail cask strength of a Bruichladdich 15yo from 1988 at £4.80. It has sports on tellies, if thats important, and also live music and food.

Apparently it also the sometime haunt for the rich and famous according to auld DJ Jay Crawford who claims to have got pished with and subsequently humped the legs of: Elton John, Whitesnake, Helen Shapiro, Desmond Dekker, Jim Diamond, The Average White Band and many others including Cliff Richard about whom he recalls "goat the evil tosspot weel pished on Ledaig, then ejected for dropping oor skants and singing YMCA." Click here for more star-gazing info from Jay.

Sabbath ferry brings the dark ages to a close on the Isle of Lewis

Q- Why are Presbyterians against sex standing up?
A- Because it may lead to dancing.

And thus we saw the first 'Sabbath' ferry between Lewis and Ullapool sail. In Eilean Leodhais, the Presbyterian militias fear that within days, the island's youth will all be humming Paranoid and Warpig. Not long after we will see 'Sodom and Gomorrah' replaced by Gearraidh na h-Aibhne and Dail bho Dheas. Ozzy Dotaman will teach our kids satanic Gaelic and BBC Alba's weather forecast will be presented by Ronnie James Dio 'throwing horns' as sunshine bathes Tràigh na Beirigh.

Celtic headcharge

Les Ramoneurs de Menhirs are from Brittany/ Breizh. In Gaelic it's A' Bhreatainn Bheag, literally 'the Little Britain', referring to the nation's Brythonnic Celtic speech and not to backward Brits like Gary Bushell, Richard Littlejohn or even the Lord George Foulkes. Like Scotland's Oi Polloi, these punks have been around a while and now use their own Celtic tongue as well as French or English as a medium.

Though Oi Polloi haven't made much use of traditional instruments like the bagpipes, the use of traditional Breton instruments such as the bombard are central to Les Ramoneurs' sound. Occasionaly, they are joined on stage at huge Cetlic festivals by tradtional Breton singer Louise Ebrel who sings a kind of mouth-music very similar to our Gaelic port-a-beul.

The Bretons have their own water of life too, though it's a kind of strong cider brandy called lambic. On a visit to Breizh some years ago with a group of Scots and Irish cultural activists, i had the pleasure of swapping homemade lambic - 60% abv - for some of our own Poit Dhubh single malt - bottled at mere 46%.

To my knowledge, Les Ramoneurs have only made it to Scotland once. That was in 1998 when they played a handful of gigs with Celtic cousins Oi Polloi and Na Gathan from Skye. Most memorable though was the Celtic Punk Connections in Glasgow, timed to coincide with the commercial Celtic (tenuous) Connections festival. Apparently the high heid yins at Celtic Connections thought that real Celts, who actually speak Gaelic and Breton, were a bit too rough. There's punk for you - banned from the pubs... er banned from the Glesgow Royal Concert Hall.

Fortunately though BBC Alba's Rapal were interested enough to document the night. Click here to view.

Supermarket whisky bargains in the former DDR...

...and other bits and pieces. Am checking out the influence of Gaelic culture (also called a holiday) in the former DDR - the once socialist republic of East Germany. It's pretty scarce, though to date, i've seen posters for Highland Games in Leipzig, heard some punk music with bagpipes in a pub and of course, spotted whisky in many a local 'kneipe' and supermarket.

Am currently in the large town of Zittau which is cemented to both Poland and the Czech Republic. This is where - if you are a linguistic pedant like me - you can find Sasannaich who are not English. 'Sasannaich' in the Gaelic originally means 'Saxon' and the 'land of the Saxons' is Sasainn, better known as Engurlannd. Co-dhiú... it amuses me no end that you can cycle from the 'Freistaat' of Saxony to Poland to the Poblachd Czech in about 3 minutes and still be on the same road. You pass two old checkpoints on the way as well as a few huts selling cheap fags and haircuts to the ‘rich’ Germans.

It's all relative though as Zittau and the surrounding countryside is very poor. It’s fairly hoachin with beautiful fairytale villages and hundreds of old factories, left over from the days when there was work for all. Wages in Zittau are as low as €400 per month for a shop worker and men think themselves fortunate if they take home a grand. Little wonder that many locals of 30 years or older still remember fondly the days of socialism and curse 'Kapitalismus'. Aye, they have the freedom to travel and study whatever they wish, but if you can barely afford the rent then what use is 'freedom'? Since the fall of the old regime, the population of Zittau has fallen from around 40k to 20k. Of 80 of Frau Katja's old schoolmates, only 2 remain in their hometown.

The mark of old regimes is still to be seen in and around the Oberlausitz region of Saxony. In the village of Hainewalde, close to Zittau, you can still see Socialist murals for their old youth groups. The mural seeks to unite the youth of all cultures from the world over. Sounds a lot better than the saluting of the Union Jack and the imperialist Brit Empire mentality that i got in the Cub Scouts. Along the road though is an 18th century palace/castle kind of thing known as Schloss Hainewalde. This was used by the Keepers of the Quaich, er, sorry Nazis as a base and small concentration camp holding 200 or so unfortunate and 'impure' prisoners. You swear that you have seen it in a film. After the war though, the idealistic Commies turned it into flats for ordinary locals. How idealistic, eh? Had they not heard of realpolitik??? Interestingly, the delapadated schloss is now being restored. A shiny new sign tells of it's history but with both the Nazi and Socialist eras missing.

Needless to say, 'Keepers of the Quaich' are thin on the ground here. In the absence of a Malt Whisky Society or some kind of 'Scots Club', a good malt is hard to find. Beer, on the other hand, is everywhere. It's cheap but miles better than almost anything we have in Scotland - Innis and Gunn excluded. But, whereas a 'local' beer such as I&G will cost the best part of two quid, here in Zittau, one of the local beers, Landskron, from nearby Görlitz will set you back a mere 50 cents odd. Alcoholism does not seem to be a problem and there are no neds to be seen, though many guys have the kind of huge gut that makes Andy Gorum seem like Kate Moss.

Wo ist der whisky? Well, in Kaufland, you can find a bewildering and meagre supply. Glenfiddich 12 is universal and you can buy it here for €23.Glen Grant and Loch Lomond malts, with no ages stated, are €14ish. Also on show though is 'Sir Connery' and 'Glen Forrest' single malts. Any info on these is appreciated! Are they Trabant fuel? And, are they still vastly superior to Ledaig?

Zittau also has an Irish pub - The Real Ones (???)- with a fair few Scotch malts like all the Diageo classics as well as Glenrothes, Edradour, Glen Grant, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Balvenie Signature and Port Cask. I had a Bowmore 18 for €5. There was barely one dram left in the bottle though and i think it had been sitting a while. Tasted a bit like spicy air.

The real delight lay across the borders though - that's over into Poland and then another 2 minutes or so into the Czech Republic and onto the edge of town called Hrádek nad Nissau. There you will find Top Shop. It's different to our Top Shop as there are no large posters of yon guy from Spandau Ballet and Eastenders modelling hair laquer and cheap suits. There are no clothes even but a kind of duty free with many litre sized bottles including Ardbeg, Laphroaig QC, Auchentoshan - standard and triple wood - Balblair, 4 varieties of Bowmore, Highland Park 12 and.... what's that? A 70cl Highland Park 18yo for only €44? I dropped my 20 packets of dutyfree pierogi and cha b'e ruith ach leum to the counter with the HP.

Final thoughts....ditch the pound and go Euro. Oh, and it's still sickening to find Scots' whisky cheaper abroad. Ditch the taxes on malt.

Keepers of the Cumhachd - an apology

Tocasaid is pleased to offer an apology to the Keepers of the Quaich who had been previously slandered and much maligned in these very pages - see below. We are only too happy to point out that the KotQ are a modern, inclusive and progressive organisation who do not discriminate on grounds of income or class.

As proof, we have kindly agreed to reproduce the above photo in which we see the KotQ's 'Dark Chapter' perusing their tasting notes for Lidl's 'Queen Margot' ("Bit rough but otherwise, f****n barry"), Sainsbury's Islay Malt ("mare smoke than a Glaswegian schoolkid's breath, a snip at £16.99") and finally ye olde fave Hundred Pipers ("man, this kills yer liver but aye, does ye the world of good").

Viscount 'Thirsty' Thurso also expressed his support for Gaelic as an everyday living language. He explained that 'quaich' itself is from the Gaelic 'cuach' and that his current most-played MP3 is 'Ramalair Ruisgte' , a Gaelic tribute to the Naked Rambler, by Edinburgh's Gaelic speaking streetpunks Oi Polloi. "And ye dinny argue wi them boys." he added with faux-menace, shaking his substantial pube-like beard for comic effect.

Keepers of the Quaich - masons in disguise?

Or maybe just masons?

I was unlucky enough to pick up a copy of their rag 'The Keeper', edited by grey-haired toff Roddy 'horny-handed son of toil' Martine. The mag is basically an industry love-in. Somewhere between Tatler and an upper-class version of 'Hello'. Pages are given to glossy photos of company CEOs, various aristo-types, rugger-bugger private-school graduates and the odd bit of upper-class fluff. There are fragments of the Gaelic tongue here and there but it comes across like some kind of ceremonial secret-language to which only the privileged have access, like Latin is for advocates, and not the still-very-much-alive tongue that is spoken by tens of thousands of Scots.

There's also pics of yachts, castles, a Lib-Dem Viscount (!!!) and various other grey-haired chinless types.

Enough to put you off your dram.

Evidence though that the rich will always ape the 'cool proles'. "Dè?" you say with a puzzled fizzog? Well, take a look at almost any menu in almost any top Scots' restaurant... haggis, shellfish of various types, cranachan, black pudding (usually from a suspiciously swine-free Stornoway), stovies and other items that were once the preserve of those who lived of the land and took what was immediately available to them. Even in the stinking closes of Auld Reekie, the great unwashed would live of claret and oysters - if you believe the evidence found by archaeologists in an 18th century midden.

Should the rich and industry high-heid-yins be allowed their private clubs? Let them do what they will but... i, for one, look forward to the day when distilleries are owned by their communities in much the same way as numerous crofting communities own their own land. Bear in mind that crofting as a concept is more or less the same age as most distilleries are - since their 'legal' conception anyway. Who would have envisaged two or three decades ago that the islanders of Gigha or Eigg and the crofters of Asainte or Bhaltos would own their own communities?

This aint communism or anarchism. It's just progress. Let ordinary Scots enjoy the fruits of their land as much as possible. Uisge-beatha was once made by the poor for the poor - to erase memories of warfare, to forget their days of toil, to celebrate weddings and to drink a 'deoch-shlàinte' to whatever deeds needed toasting. And, even if we're not as poor as we once were, it's still better that many benefit as opposed to just a privileged few.

Lets put the distilleries in the hands of the communities once more and lower these FCKN taxes!!!!

Whiskies and their Gaelic pronounciations

Scotland is a country where most of the population cannot pronounce and/or explain the majority of her placenames. And it's not just in the 'Gaelic' Highlands - Gaelic names are found as far south as Berwickshire and even into Cumbria. Evidence of the extent of Gaelic speaking communities who named their habitat some 1000 years ago.

Whilst some names use archaic Gaelic and others have been Anglicised beyond easy comprehension, a knowledge of Gaelic is a valuable key to Scotland's core identity. Uisge-beatha is a good example. Many may mock Americans or Sasannaich for their perceived inability to pronounce 'ch' as in 'Lock Lomond' but many Scots are equally guilty of mangling their nation's topography. So, here's some thoughts on our Gaelic whisky names... in no particular order.

Allt a' Bhainne (owlt a bhan-ya) - the Burn of the Milk. The pronounciation of 'bainne' varies greatly according to the Gaelic dialect. In Skye, it is roughly 'benya', in mainland and 'standard' Gaelic it's 'banya' with a soft slenderised 'a' and in Lewis it's 'bonya'. Unless an expert in Srath Spè Gaelic can tell me otherwise, then it isn't 'vane'. A great name though. I've yet to drink from this particular allt.

Dailuaine (dal oo-ane-ya) - the green meadow. Many seem to have difficulty with the 'oo-ah'. 'Dail' itself is apparently a loan from auld Norse and common throughout Scotland.

 

Bruthach a' Chladaich (broo-aCH a CHlattiCH) - the brae of the shore. Pay attention, Laddie PR folk. There is no 'k' in your name! See above. As a native Gael from Port Weymss, just down the coast from Bruichladdich said when i queiried if the native Ilich had replaced 'ch' with 'k', "Amaideas!" (nonsense). The 'Brook Laddie' may wash with the English and American markets but let's face it, the Sasannaich and Yanks are to linguistic diversity and respect for indigenous cultures what Gary Glitter is to childcare.

Bun na h-Aibhne (boon na havfen-ye) - the mouth of the river. Usually seen in it's slightly incorrect rendering of Gaelic's notorious genitive case, 'Bun na h-Abhainn', you can see the correct grammar in it's Ileach neighbour 'Port na h-Aibhne' or Portnahaven. Take note. Meanwhile, for such blatant dereliction of our tongue's grammar, stand in the corner with a double dram of Ledaig.

Until the next time when i may tackle the likes of Auchentoshan, Bowmore and Edradour then you can check out the Scottish Place-name Society here, if you need guidance on the linguistic wealth that is Scotland's topography.

Nòs Ùr 2009 - 20/6/09

Co-fharpais ciùil airson nam mion-chànan Ceilteach. An-uiridh, chunnacas Oi Polloi is eile à Alba ach mar bu dual b'e na Cuimrich a b'fhionnaire! A' bhliadhna-sa, se Na Gathan agus Sunrise not Secular a chuireas rudeigin ùr fainear nan Gaidheal. Eden Court, an Inbhir Nis air 20mh an Og-Mhios. Nach math gum brosnaichear daoine oga a' bhliadhna-sa ge-ta. Siuthad!

A Eurovision type competition to choose a winner from the Celtic nations for the Liet International competition. Last year saw lots of 'nice' and safe but predictable folk music from the Gaels with only Oi Polloi pushing the boundaries. As per usual, the cool Cymrus walked it. This year, we have Na Gathan and Sunrise not Secular to try something new for Gaelic music.

In an important step forward though, there's more emphasis on encouraging young Gaelic speakers to write and compose new music in Gaelic with under 16s getting in free as well as a 'Nos Og' competition.

Nos Ur 2009. More info here.

If only we had the likes of Ramoneurs de Menhirs...! Fadachd orm am faicinn a-rithist an cois na Polloi agus na Gathan! Click here to see them playing Breton folk-punk with Breton port-a-beul accompanying. Direach sgoinneil.

If drams were political parties...

...just who would they be?

With Euro election day almost upon us and the likelihood once again that less than a third of voters will bother to turn up, let's have a whisky slant on the proceedings. Actually, a 30% turnout is probably a gross overestimate, given the current wave of scrutiny that is sweeping the mutha of parliaments in London town and leaving all kinds of nasty, foul-smelling detritus in it's wake, much to the distate of the mob. Btw... this probably won't be a comprehensive list due to the sheer bewildering number of parties and attention seekers standing in this election. Apparently, Susan Boyle, Richard Branson and Robert Kilroy-Silk were too busy on other platforms to take part. Shame.

Ok ma-tha... here we go. In no particular order.

SNP - Ardbeg Renaissance. Exhaling confidence, Salmond's Fianna are strong, smooth and full-bodied. Apart from one or two minor aberrations, can do little wrong at the moment.

Labour - SMWS's Dirty Dram for Mary Poppins. Despite being from the same distillery as above, this indie bottling is described as being like an ashtray. That's Labour for you. Foul smelling and nasty, there's very little that's positive about it. In fact, it may seriously damage
your health.

Tory - Ledaig. As sickly as Labour, it's never really taken off in Scotland. Tries very hard to be smooth but ends up being kind of soapy. Imagine the Billy Bunter-esqe David Cameron (Camshron in Gaelic means crooked nose. Wonder if that carries any significance? Maybe just crooked will do.) painting boot polish on your tongue. You know you don't want this.

Green Party- Benromach Organic. It might not set the heather alight - too much carbon release there - but it's fairly inoffensive and actually quite tasty in an honest sort of way. Wholesome. This is a policy that others may soon adopt. Bruichladdich has one in the pipeline. Expect Gord Broon to jump on the bandwagon soon.

Lib Dems - Jura Superstition. Was temtped to type in 'Babycham'. It's kind of superior to the bog standard but it's not the kind of stuff that really inspires. Kind of wishy washy and not really gonna do anything. Er, that's it.

BNP and UKIP - Lidl's Queen Margot. Cheap and nasty. Appeals to the lowest scummy denominator. Only good for cleaning windaes. In fact, leave it in the (white) trash where it belongs.

No2EU: Yes To Democracy - Famous Grouse. Hmmm, this is difficult. For a start, just who TF are they? Well, Tommy Sheridan is in it. It may have some good points but then again... So, like the FG, you may have voted for it once upon a time but now you no longer wish to feed it's ego.