Aye right. But who popes up now?

The reaction to the Pope's resignation on 'health grounds' will surely be 'aye right' if you're Scottish and cynical. And let's face it with a history that encompasses almost all shades of religious mania from Catholic witch hunts to Presbyterian extremists to Orange Order violence and latterly Islamic jihad against Glasgow airport - we Scots have a right to be cynical of religion.

I don't usually subscribe to wild conspiracy theories but it seems as if the nature of the Catholic Church is to cover-up secrets while maintaining the right to stick it's nose into the lives of others. Especially the sex lives of others. So, accepting the premise that a Pope resigning due to old-age is bullshit - how many Popes have we witnessed who were obviously plugged in until eventually the wires frayed? - what could be the real reasons for the Pope's premature ejacu divestment of his responsibilities?

• The sheer weight of the global Catholic sex-abuse scandal? There seems to be 'a priest a week' being unmasked as a child abuser. With so many cases brushed under the carpet, why stop now?
• The Magdalene Laundries? Shameful as it was, the collusion between the Irish state and the Catholic Church to enslave and abuse women who they deemed as 'unclean' or 'immoral' was confined to one small part of the global Catholic empire. Not a big enough fish.
• Pope Ratzinger's Nazi past? Old news and while the RCC was guilty of complicity with the Nazi regime many individuals did resist Nazi tyranny. And while Ratzinger joined up he was probably too young to have too much of say so stories of his hand on the trigger as Jews,  Slavs, Gypies or homosexuals were sprayed with gun fire are unlikely to surface.
• Financial? Possibly. Maybe some back-scratching with Silvio Berlusconi?

We may never know. But that doesn't stop us speculating on the next old man to wear the silly hat. Some have speculated that a Third World Pope may be in order. Possibly but who's to say that someone from our very own Gr8 Britane could not step into those holy robes?

Let's go fishing...

Racist and homophobic Leigh Griffiths.

Leigh Griffiths - still in his early 20s so no chance of him being too auld anytime soon despite his haggard appearance. He's certainly right-wing enough with a history of racist and homophobic abuse against members of the public. However, even the RCC has sought to distance itself from its Nazi past in recent decades. Bit of a trouble maker though. Fortunately, if the Pope gig falls through Leigh knows that Hibernian FC - the 'holier than thou' club of Scottish fitba - will always give him a home.

Let us prey.

Tony Blair - has converted to Catholicism in recent years, perhaps with one eye on attaining the Vatican throne. Like Leigh Griffiths though, his past is a bit problematic - namely being a war criminal. However, the RCC found it within itself to accommodate Adolf Hitler and Franco as buddies in the past so who knows... Pope Antonio of Sedgefield step forward?

Notorious heterosexual Clarkson.

Jeremy Clarkson - a master of making offensive comments like many senior Catholics. His posh-school upbringing may stand him in good stead but his wide variety of victims could be problematic. Sure he's got problems with women's rights and homosexuality but he also has chips on shoulders regarding the disabled, Mexicans, Indians, Scots, Germans and the Welsh which would leave the Vatican with little wiggle-room in their global contest against Islam and Judaism to covert the gullible.

"In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box." –Seth Meyers

Satan's music, condoms and reasons to lose your religion

I wonder what the term 'a week is a long time in politics' would be if it were transferred to religion? After all, biblical literalists have attempted to wriggle out of their fantastical delusion by claiming that 'back in God's day, a day could've been.... a thousand/ ten thousand/ a million years long as we know it'. Funnily enough, this is just speculation -  'god' neglected to share this wisdom with his bloggers who scribed his word many moons ago. Just when was 'the day' condensed into the handy 24-hour package that we use in modern times?

Whatever, it seems as if god has tweeted some new commands to different branches of his many churches on earth this week.

Last week, the use of condoms was a sin. AIDS was a punishment from god for those who indulged chiefly in homosexual activities (am not sure if it applied to lesbians) but also those who fancied a lumber or two before getting hitched. Now though, condoms are cool! According to the Pope, it is now a moral responsibility to bag your bratwurst in order to deflect god's anger should you wish to stick it into the wrong oven at the wrong time. As I write, the Vatican is rushing out its own brand of condom, coated with holy lubricant.

Not to be overshadowed by the Antichrist, our cheerful friends in the Free Kirk have decreed that music is to be permitted in their churches. Last week, having a strum of a gee-tar or even a toot on the chanter would've landed you in hot bother, for eternity. But now, Calvinists too can get all happy clappy. Is it a desperate attempt to bolster their dwindling congregations with cool and hip McFly-esque interpretations of Leviticus? It certainly brings the auld joke to mind...

Why are Presbyterians against sex standing up?

It might lead to dancing.

At your local Free Kirk... Koombaya mah lord.

Joking aside, if these hardline Christian heidbangers had not seized control of Gaelic speaking areas some two centuries ago, some of Gaelic's famous puirt-a-beul/ mouth music may not have been born. Not long after the London government decided that the bagpipes were, er... instrumental in formenting nationalist sentiment amongst the clans, the god-squad moved in to decree that music was itself an instrument of Satan. Therefore, the fiddle, Jews' Harp, clàrsach, melodean and any other music maker of the day joined the bagpipe on the bonfire. Like modern-day drugs' laws, it didn't work though and soon the cèilidh house was jumping to fast tongue-twisting nonsense lyrics and vocables that people could dance to. It preceded rap and RnB by 200 years.

It is precisely because of all this nonsense that people are turning their backs on organised religion. However, should you need that we push to send you on your way into a godless life then here's some good stimuli.

1. The Bible - many atheists maintain that most Christians have never read it. How can any sane person defend its mountain of contradictions, rich vein of hatred and disturbing perverse view of human relations? Even more incredible is that some people want to force this filth on children. So, next time you're in a hotel, steal the one you get free in yon bedside cabinet. Read it.
2. David Attenborough - if Dawkins is a bit too aggressive then the British Isles' favourite naturalist and all-round genial grandfather figure will soon have you nodding in agreement with his warm brand of reason. I love his quote refuting the 'All Things Bright and Beautiful' train of religious delusion, "They always mean beautiful things like hummingbirds. I always reply by saying that I think of a little child in east Africa with a worm burrowing through his eyeball. The worm cannot live in any other way, except by burrowing through eyeballs. I find that hard to reconcile with the notion of a divine and benevolent creator."
3. Richard Dawkins -  a man who is genuinely irritated by mumbo-jumbo and the refusal of others to recognise evidence. His anger, turn of phrase and general all-round intelligence makes for great reading. Of the Catholic Church and its obsession with circuses like Lourdes, he says "If you want to experience the medieval rituals of faith, the candle light, the incense, music, important-sounding dead languages, nobody does it better than the Catholics." 

Ave maria...

Links:

Sex, drugs and the Free Kirk...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/scotland/alba/naidheachdan/story/2010/11/101119_freechurch.shtml

http://news.scotsman.com/scotland/Music-to-ears-of-Free.6633155.jp

Smite-me-not condoms...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11804943

Attenborough...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jan/27/david-attenborough-science

Dawkins...

http://richarddawkins.net/