Sow good. The championship season.

It's been a belter. Obviously for those of us who watch the fitba through maroon-tinted goggles it was unexpectedly painless, at least in the league. The cups were another story but if Robbie Neilson's plan was to concentrate on the league then it worked a treat. The three-horse race with Hearts, The Rangers #2 and Hibernian didn't work out. Instead, Hearts had the league sown up before Valentine's Day with Falkirk and Queen of the South in particular forming a cluster of four some distance behind.

I was lucky enough to be at the Whisky Fringe when news of Sow's last minute winner at Ibrox came through. Probably the most important goal of the season. It instantly dented the unfounded and undeserved self-regard of Sevco Rangers and their lapdogs in the media. From that game on, they were trailing Hearts and proceeded to go to pieces. That was followed up by another important defeat of Hibernian who after the previous season's farce hadn't really got going yet.

Hibs then lost two on the bounce to Falkirk and Alloa while Sevco dominated all teams until they too met the unpredictable Alloa with only a late goal saving them from defeat. More points lost to Hearts though. The gap was to grow even larger after Hibs visited Castle Greyskull and handed Salary McCoist's overpaid duds a 3-1 defeat. Hibs had looked uncomfortable at first, barely able to string a pass together, but then the Sevco defence imploded and Sevconian FC were fortunate to keep the score to 3. In typical Hibs fashion though they followed up that satisfying win by drawing at home to Raith Rovers. The much ridiculed Christian Nade creating havoc in the Hibs defence. Hearts were still undefeated when they met Hibs for the first Easter Road derby. Hibs were up for it and Hearts despite having possession and chances didn't look like scoring. Hibs did, Hearts got a man sent off and Hearts were heading for defeat. With the Hibs fans bouncing and taunting, the Hibs players inexplicably gave Hearts the freedom of the pitch. Ozturk took the ball and this happened... 

Late November and Hearts hammered yet more nails into McCoist's coffin with a 2-0 win at Tynecastle. Rangers turned up with a mission to hurt and that they did. Incredibly, only one of them saw red but young Kevin McHattie was forced out for months after a horrific kick from Kenny Miller. Hibs meanwhile lost again to Falkirk. Mid December saw McCoist have his ass handed to him in Dumfries after a convincing win for Queen of the South against 'The People'. Hearts marched on regardless. The start of December saw Sevco in a cup semi-final and plucky wee Alloa. Surely this would bring some comfort for Salary and his well-remunerated players? Maybe not. One of the results of the season... 

Ally McCoist then became the first(!!!) Rangers manager of the season to leave footballing duties in favour of 'gardening leave'. With a glum Kenny McDowall now in the throne, Sevco's defence went all LibDem and things could only get better...

  

High-score of the season is an easy one to call. Again, an important win came when Da Rangers were labouring to draws with Falkirk and er... Cowedenbeath the week following this mauling.

  

In March, Stuart McCall who had done a grand job leading Motherwell into danger took over at the Ship of Fools and went on an unbeaten run. Or in other words, a series of draws against teams in the second tier of football whose player budgets would barely stretch to buying a pair of spades for both of Rangers' gardening-leave managers.

Hibs meanwhile were looking good and were now the closest of 'the other two' to Hearts. When they met Rangers at Easter Road on March 22 anything other than a Hibs win would give Hearts the title. As per usual in games of high significance, Hibs went to pieces and McCall was the toast of the Blue Derry Boys of Billy Union Orange or whatever the Rangers' fans sing about themselves.

When the fixtures were announced, the Hearts/ Rangers match on the final day of the season was seen by some to be the title decider. In the end, Hearts won it without kicking a ball. In the middle of March. All that were left were the play-offs. Alloa deservedly secured their Championship status while the formidable Queen of the South narrowly lost to Rangers. The idea of Da Rangers back in the top flight was as appealing to most of us as being caught in a sandwich between Eric Pickles and Jackie Baillie. Could Hibs stop them? No. Only Motherwell, who had under Stuart McCall, been sacrifical lambs for Die Rangers stood between the Premiership and the Forces of Dunkelheit.

In the end, all's well that ends well. Sevco were trounced over two games and their cartoon defender Moshni is facing police action after giving Motherwell's Irwin a bit of doing after the final whistle. At least for another year, Scotland's top flight will be spared the violent play of Rangers players as well as the violence, sectarianism and racism of their fans. Some further financial woe is not out of the question. 'Glib and shameless' Dave King who had a hand in the previous Rangers going bust is now at the helm. What could go wrogn?

Football celebs vote in #GE2015!

We all know that Alex Ferguson is a Labour man, whatever their policies are. Also that ex-Hearts and Hibs red-card junkie Michael Stewart is an intelligent advocate of independence and is backing the SNP. Terry Butcher is, or at least used to be, a Tory. But, let's face it, fitba celebs rarely put their heads above the parapet on the political front.

Tocasaid will hazard a few guesses though.

So, with the election upon us and episodes of mindless sickening violence (see above) now in the past, let's enjoy some 90-minute nuggets...

First up is house-favourite Leigh Griffiths. Hibs fan and righteous Celtic FC forward has been banging in the hat-tricks lately. His ongoing hat-trick seems to be the triple-grudge of racism, homophobia and Islamophobia. That's surely makes him a Ukip man.

Moving slightly to the left, we have Ally McCoist. He's a well known Unionist and with Oldco Rangers having corned the right-wing conservative market for fans in recent decades, he's sure to be a Tory. In fact, I reckon he's so taken with Scottish Conservatism that he's morphing into Ruth Davidson.

Anne Budge of Hearts and Leanne Dempster of Hibs are two independently-minded women with clear visions of what their respective clubs should look like. They also thrive in an otherwise backward-male environment. That makes them SNP fans of oor Nicola.

Robbie Neilson. Young manager who's quiet demeanour has nevertheless yielded spectacular results for Hearts this season, albeit in the second tier. They won the league by a country mile as the SNP are predicted to do on May 7th. SNP again for this winner.

 

Lee 'Elbows' McCulloch. Past the sell-by date footballer and vicious hardman of The Rangers FC. Even his own fans don't like him. Other fans detest him. Referees don't know he exists. He's not very popular. He must be a Lib Dem.

Alan Stubbs. Used to be a likeable guy but has grown into one hell of a bitter man this season as Hibs yo-yo all over the place - one minute they're horsing Sevco and the next allowing Christian Nade of all people to dance around their defence and score. Given his bitterness towards other teams and fans coupled with the fact that his team finished a very distant second to winners Hearts, he has to be a Labour man. No Jim Murphy though as Stubbs is just bitter, not evil.

Inverness Caledonian Thistle. Hell, we may not all support them but most of us have a soft-spot for them. There's Yogi for a start who's gone from buffoon to manager of the year. And, there's the excellent Twitter account. The Frankie Boyle of the football Twitter world though not as foul-mouthed. They also love beating the corporate-corpse of Scottish fitba - Celtic FC. I'm sure they're partial to a few jars and a 'wee smoke'. Defo a Green Party team and what's wrong with that?

Angry denials or accusations of hate-speech here? Contact the Daily Mail. Corrections or suggestions? Post below.

Vote early, vote often, vote SNP.

The Hand of Meekings

 

If Carlsberg made conspiracies...

The ridiculous Celtic FC has taken their culture of grievance to new extremes. The biggest and arguably most 'establishment' club in Scotland - two of their current squad are racists, another professed support for Israel's bombing of Palestine and their former chairman is a war-criminal who commanded the British Army in Iraq - have made an official complaint regarding a penalty kick they should have been given against the mighty Inverness Caley Thistle.

Here's hoping that the crusaders of the moral highground also mention their forward John Guidetti's dive to get a penalty- see above - against Hearts earlier in the season. Perhaps their goalie Craig Gordan getting sent off and conceding a penalty for a kamikaze challenge in the box may also have lead to Celtic's downfall? Perhaps, ICT themselves should've had a penalty when their forward was flattened by Celtic's second goalie late on in the game?

An honest gurn to the SFA would mention all of this.

Or maybe not. Swings and roundabouts, eh?

This wasn't a mistake though. It was, according to tens of thousands of their mainly Scottish and godless Protestant support, a conspiracy to stop Celtic FC winning the treble.

No doubt the arch-unionists and Brits who make up Celtic FC's ruling class will be quick to point out that the SNP have not ruled out allowing ICT fans to bring down Celtic players in the box... 

I knew this season would be one to remember.

#NotRuledOutByTheSNP

This video is for real folks! that's a typical deluded Tim for ya!
Posted by The Revival on Sunday, 19 April 2015

A season like no other kicks off

Though I still think of it as Division One, the new Scottish Championship is where it's at this year. The Club Formerly Known as Glasgow Rangers having emerged from its pet cemetery made short work of winning Scotland's third tier to gain promotion. Hearts having being handed a 15-point penalty on top of having Gary Locke as manager were always likely to go down.

Hibs though, like they have done so often in recent years, took the word misery and made it their own. Big style. Hard as it may be to remember, but a year ago Pat '5-1' Fenlon took the Abbeyhill club to new depths with a 9-0 aggregate loss to mighty Malmo. In stepped Tory Butcher who took a bad thing and made it worse. Hibs saw the cliff of relegation some distance away and raced headlong towards it. The final flourish of woe against Hamilton in front of a home crowd attracting gasps of amazement and guffaws of laughter from supporters of wee clubs around Scotland.

Hibs to their credit, played well against The Rangers last week in the minor Challenge Cup that these wee teams have to compete for despite losing to a badly organised Neu-Ibrox XI.

The farce known as 'The Rangers' will be the focus for most us - even for us supporters of The Other Teams. Their woes have multiplied though mostly off the field at this point. Their dire display against Hibs though to the backdrop of a near empty Ibrox will surely boil over into more rage should they lose to Hearts' youngsters on Sunday. It appears that Rangers 2.0 have lost more than £70m in two years. How?! The Rangers debacle is too complex and labyrinthine to enter into here, so I'll leave that to others.

Scotland's other establishment club, Celtic, have not played well either. After finally overcoming the part-time footballers/ fishermen of Iceland, they were royally humped by Legia Warsaw. Fortunately for Scotland's Walmart of Football, Legia were found guilty of some minor infringement of the rules and Celtic were awarded the exact scoreline they needed to progress. This, is the second time in a few years that their embarrassment on the pitch in Europe has been salved by Europe's footballing high-heid yins.

O Connor - a diet of coke and pizza.

In other worlds, Leigh Griffiths continues to revert to form with rumours that he'll be back at Hibs in the not to distant future. Surely, they wouldn't take him back? One of Hibs' other troubled children, Garry Jos... O Connor is now funding his habit plodding the turf for... Selkirk.

I have no predictions but do hope that... The Rangers are forced to spend another year in the lower leagues and that's if they survive financially at all. Hearts could beat them to the title but I'd imagine their youngsters to be too inconsistent. Hibs, currently with about 13 players to their name but with a new manager are bound to improve on last season's misery. I wouldn't put money on it though.

In the SPL, I'd love Aberdeen or Dundee Utd to take the title. On current showing, Celtic are... shit. But, money talks. Especially to the SFA.

Oh... and Lambie is out for a Yes vote.

Fun at the fitba with Leigh Griffiths and The Rangers!

Scottish football has been all shook up but some things have stayed just the way they always were. Such as... Rangers fans bringing violence and aggression to another city. A Celtic player indulging in dumb but dodgy politics. On the bright side, Raith Rovers have won more games at Easter Road in 2014 than Hibs have and one of them was against a Rangers' side who were marginally less violent than their fans outside.

With Rangers, you know where you are. They don't just have some dodgy fans, they have them in the thousands. At least. As I've mentioned before though, some teams and their fans see themselves as occupying a moral highground when it comes to attitudes to bigotry and racism. Celtic and Hibs are probably the proudest wearers of the golden halos in Scottish football.

Having moronic fans is one thing but having highly-paid professional players indulging in anti-social and racist behaviour is another. Celtic have been here before with Scott Brown's infamous fotie-op with the SDL. Hibs have been there with Derek Riordain and Leigh Griffiths. Now Celtic have Leigh Griffiths on their hands.

What will they do? Both clubs make a lot of their origins as clubs formed by immigrant refugees. To have a major first team player singing anti-refugee songs in a pub with racist fans of another team must surely see his ass exiting the door.

Some Celtic fans such as Glasgow-born Phil MacGiollaBháin make much of the bigotry of others. Is racism only unacceptable when aimed at those who claim Irish descent? MacGiollaBháin condemns Griffiths but only makes a meek demand that Celtic 'take him on about it'. As observed, Griffiths has form on the racist front and seems to find it difficult to keep out of trouble in other areas too.

Sadly, if Celtic do let Griffiths go, it seems as if many Hibs' fans are only too willing to take him on again. Most Hibs fans on the Hibs Net forum condemn his behaviour but seem to happy to take back a prolific goalscorer. This isn't much of a moral highground.

Scottish football has progressed though a significant minority still shit in their own backyard.

In recent years, I've started attending Hearts' games again after a long absence, mainly to support the club that became the local team of my Irish and Catholic great-grandmother and her sons. At first, the cross-community aspect of the Hearts' support was a joy to behold. I can remember the bad old days when significant numbers of fans would shout or sing songs that were offensive in one way or another. But here were fans of all colours presenting a genuine cross-section of the Gorgie Dalry community with many Asian, Eastern European and Chinese Scots. There were also families and more women in attendance than I remember years back.

Unfortunately, at my next derby game I was forced to confront a pair of fat and ageing bigots who repeatedly shouted anti-Irish abuse at the Hibs' players. There's always one or two dickheads who spoil the party. I later heard from a Hibs' fan that one or two of their supporters had shouted 'Paki bastard' at Hearts' Mehdi Taouill - a French Moroccan.

Fighting racism will be a never ending battle. There will always be someone who feels the need to impinge on the freedom of others. What matters is how we deal with it.

Paying a racist ned a small fortune just because he can score goals does not deal with it. If education is the answer then a spell of unemployment will give him the message.

Community control in Scottish football?

Another August and another interesting, if turbulent new season for Scottish football has kicked off. Last year saw The Rangers, aka Sevco, take their place in the fourth tier of Scottish clubs. The club having been re-animated, Pet Sematary style, from the club formerly known as Glasgow Rangers. They're knee deep in shit, again, with some of their ane directors predicting another bout of administration while an early exit from the League Cup at the hands of Forfar has added to the ever-simmering fury or their fans.

This year also sees Scotland's third biggest club, in recent times at least, in administration and with a minus 15 point start to the league. Liquidation is a possibility though fan ownership will probably win the day. If it does and a CVA is agreed with creditors, it will leave Hearts in a much better place than they've been in for some time. They might be in the 1st Division but with no debt, a sensible signing/ spending policy and increased participation and ownership from the fans, a more stable and eventually successful future beckons.

Other clubs may follow suit. In Edinburgh, Hibs' fans have understandably revelled in the plight of Hearts. Is Hibernian FC though in a better place? Owned by an aging millionaire with no love of football, Hibs themselves are in debt - somewhere between £6 and 9million depending on what you read - and made a loss of £1m last year. Years of bottom six finishes in the SPL combined with woeful and embarrassing performances in important games have seen the enlarged Easter Road awash with empty seats at most home games. Kilmarnock and Aberdeen are also labouring on under heavy debt.

Community ownership of Scottish land is growing. The crofters' buy out in Asainte was deemed unlikely or unworkable before the event but it happened nevertheless and some 17 similar community purchases have happened since then. Crofting estates, islands and other tracts of Scottish land have too long been bought and sold at a whim. Rich owners with little or no clue about local culture or traditions have seen them merely as another toy or status symbol. Are football clubs any different?

Is it too much to expect for government - national or local  - to support of our football clubs or other significant sporting institutions? Scottish football enjoys larger crowds, per head of population, than any other nation in Europe attending games. Local government surely has a vested interest in both the success and survival of their clubs. The benefits to the local economies are significant and the good publicity from even an extended cup run adds to it. When clubs work with local schools the benefits for education, health and crime prevention increase the value further.

Needless to say perhaps that this is also an issue of independence and self-determination. On the political front, a 'yes' vote will bring independence to our government. Community ownership and participation brings it to our neighbourhoods and communities.

Local people also have a duty to support their local club. It's a sickener to go to places such as Greenock, Kilmarnock, Paisley, Falkirk, Stirling, Perth or even Inverness and see busloads of glory-hunters heading for Celtic Park or Ibrox. For all the Celtic fans' talk of being 'rebels', the truth is they are the 'establishment' in Scottish football. Celtic are the McDonalds to Rangers' Walmart.

Hearts may not escape relegation this year but if community ownership is achieved and a young, mostly Scottish, squad built up then the future will be a  bright one. I also hope that the locals in Stirling and Dunfermline can turn out in numbers to support their own community-owned clubs.

The Foundation of Hearts

Pars Supporters Trust 

Stirling Albion Supporters Trust

BBC London - what abuse scandal?

Some say that aspirations for Scottish independence are insular. Ditto the demands for a 'Scottish Six' national news service. However, one look at British television, especially in the company of someone from abroad, and the Anglo, London-centric nature of it stabs you in the eyes.

When Hearts met Hibs in the Scottish Cup semi-final in 2006, the novelty of an Edinburgh derby in a major game was deemed to be of some importance in Londum. The guy in the studio turned to the video link and announced that 'our reporter is at Hampden Park in Glasgow...er or is it Edinburgh...no, Glasgow...'.

The general modus-operandi of the BBC and other channels based in London when assessing the value of a story seems to be one of:

1. London
2. The rest of England
3. The US
4. Anywhere else, if the body count is high enough

The latest child-abuse scandal and subsequent cover-up involving the Roman Catholic Church is one such example. BBC Scotland, to their credit, uncovered another saga of sickening child abuse at the former Fort Augustus Abbey School. As one of the offenders was allowed to flee Fort Augustus and to carry on his activities in his native Australia, the story has an international dimension. A dimension that failed to make it dahn sath though.

On a day when BBC Scotland's various media outlets were dominated by the story, the 'British' output from London neglected to mention it. We did learn though about increasing numbers of jelly fish on the west coast and of a project in Cornwall that teaches kids to swim in the sea.

As long as 'national news' continues to mean 'Britain' meaning 'England' meaning 'London' we'll be treated to 'news' that doesn't concern us - Scottish devolution, indeed the ins and outs of the Act of Union, has yet to seep into the London consciousness.

The Labour Olympics

For it is true. While Boris, Nick and Dave from the Condems may be taking the limelight and pressing the flesh in their red, white and blue Bedouin Tent in East London, it was Labour who did the spadework for the Great Satan Olympics 2012.

Little wonder that the sniggering anti-immigrant lizard boy that is Ed Miliband has not exactly been vocal in his condemnation of G4S - the latest in a long line of private enterprises to take the public shilling and fuck up big time.

Do ya feel secure?

Labour have long been loathed in some parts of Scotland for their Stalinist, corrupt and 'jobs for the boys' ethos when in power - be it at local or national level. Funny that, but when I first heard of G4S and their failure to provide much needed 'security' for the corporate Olympics, the first name that came to mind was John Reid.

JR, you'll remember, is the former communist and Irish-republican supporter who became an enthusiastic member of right-wing New Labour and was rewarded by being appointed Defence Secretary and Commander of the British Army in their illegal adventure in Iraq. Indeed, he developed a close and friendly working relationship with dead-eyed neo-con Donald Rumsfeld, not a man known for his efforts on behalf of the downtrodden, poor and oppressed. Whatever, it seems ironic that a Labour government would first appoint G4S to man the Olympic check-points before John Reid waltzes into a cushy 'consultant' job in same company. Illegal? Probably not. Does it stink? Aye, big time.

Whatever the noble aims of the first Olympics of the modern era, the London games are becoming known by a different set of values - security, corporate interests, tax breaks, incompetence, lists of proscribed words. The likes of Coca-Cola and McDonalds are being rewarded for their massive contribution to the wellbeing of humankind with tax breaks and the chance to operate free of competition within the Olympic zone with rivals being removed or threatened. This includes wee corner shops and schools.

For more on this, read Ian Bell's excellent piece in the Sunday Herald.

Artist impression of Olympic Hampden

On a lighter note but staying with Labour, we have Gordon Matheson of Glasgow Labour. This numptie may be top of the dungheap in Stab City but can only dream of the heights reached by  'lads o pairts' like John Reid or even Derry Irvine. One has to marvel at his religious-like zeal on behalf of the Olympics - 

Yes, Hampden Park - home for some minor Olympic fitba games - will be full. Glaswegians are very excited about it. 

This despite two-thirds of the tickets being unsold.

The answer? Lower the capacity and give away tens of thousands of free tickets to bairns.

Not like London Labour to shift the goalposts. Never mind, at least Hampden's owners Queens Park can look forward to sell out crowds this season.

Stop the Tax-Dodgers.

England expects but money don't talk

England fail miserably again in a major tournament despite having 'the best league in the world'. One can't help but notice that silly-money signings have done little to bolster the English national squad. Here's some examples gleaned from Jambo Kickback:

James Milner - £24 million
Ashley Young - £18m
Wayne Rooney - £27m
Andy Carroll - £33m

On the other hand...

Andrea Pirlo - 12m in 2001 and a free last season.

Despite yon £33m, it's strange that Carroll wasn't trusted with a penalty kick?

How long before the EPL does a "Rangers"? Or to put it in a different and economic-politico context... 'a city of London'?

Hearts and Hibs - those celeb supporters!

Its the most interesting Scottish Cup Final for a long time. The media are having a field day. To be honest its refreshing to have something different to Rangers' financial corruption and impending meltdown and Neil Lennon's incessant whinging.

Some attention has been paid to Hearts and Hibs' respective 'celebrity' supporters. Tocasaid would like to join in albeit from a different angle. Which celebs are most punk? The reasoning for this lies in the claim by millionaire stadium-rock guru (!!!) Bruce Findlay in the recent 'We Are Hibernian' book that Hearts' fans are 'establishment figures' and Hibs' fans are naturally 'anti-establishment'. Are all Hearts' fans - including myself - sinister right-wing Masonic types and all Hibs' fans cool boho types who strictly adhere to the laws of political correctness?

Let's find out...

Irvine Welsh
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: writer of Trainspotting and other classics, filthy and funny prose
Punk points: 9/10

Ken Stott
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: actor of the 'gritty and Scottish' mold, Rebus
Punk points:  6

The Proclaimers
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: penned the classic 'Letter to America', some other good ones and a lot of pseudo-country crap
Punk points:  5

'Thatcher you c...'

Wattie Buchan
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: lead singer of 80's street punk heroes the Exploited, lyrically 'uncomplicated' but he hates Thatcher and has led an extreme rock 'n roll lifestyle for decades now.
Punk points: 10

John Leslie
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: ex Blue Peter presenter and alleged sex-pest turned property developer
Punk points: 1

Mark E Smith

'A Lagavulin please'

Team: Hearts
Notoriety: founder of legendary Manchester post-punk indie rockers and heroes of the student union, the Fall, a working-class member of the SWP, whisky aficionado
Punk points: 9

Dougray Scott
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: actor of the dark and brooding type
Punk points: 5

Alex Salmond
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: well... he's the man with the plan for our nation - hope it works out
Punk points: 7 (on account of his unsettling of the London establishment and Eton old boys' network)

Eric Milligan
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: ex-Labour Provost of Edinburgh, debauched and enthusiastic arse licker
Punk points: 0

John Gibson
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: bigoted Evening News columnist of the right-wing shock-jock type, Tory bastard, hates Gaelic speakers
Punk points: -10

Ronnie Corbett
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: comedian of some renown, rumoured to be a Tory
Punk points: 1

Fish, 'these colours run'

Fish/ Derick Dick
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: somewhat pompous ex-singer of prog-rockers Marillion, supports Scottish independence
Punk points: 4

Alan G
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: guitarist of Edinburgh street punks, the Happy Spastics, Lochend anarchist and anti-fascist
Punk points: 9

Andy Murray
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: tennis player, known to 'bottle it' when on the verge of something great, likable guy otherwise
Punk points: 5

Chris Hoy
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: multi-gold medal winner at cycling, went to posh school though
Punk points: 4

Stephen Hendry
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: one of the best ever in the 'exciting' sport of snooker, quiet man, went to Dalkeith High School
Punk points: 5

He's a knight.

Sir Elton John
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: was given a Hibs' top after his 'storming' Easter Road gig a few years back. Seems like Hibs are his 'candle in the wind' of Scottish fitba.
Punk points: -1

Stone
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: Spanish singer of Berlin based rock band Frogcircus, lived in Gorgie Road
Punk points: 3

Frightened Rabbit
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: kind of cool and hirsute indie rockers from the Borders, take their music to all corners of Scotland
Punk points: 6

The science would seem to suggest that Hearts' take the prize. That leaves the Hibs' celebs to enjoy their runners up Simple Minds box-set.

This is England Euro 2012

With the Euro championships not far off, the official song for Team GB England has been unveiled with a fun loving Chris Kamara bouncing around with a selected audience of nice clean England fans - no EDLers, home-grown Islamic fundamentalists or rioters here. The song itself is unremarkable save for the fact that the strangely mustachioed and effervescent Kamara looks like one of the guys from camp 70s disco kings Cameo. The Word Up though is that John Tewwy and the other duds will once again let down the nation that is in a state of perpetual expectation. Go on! Ming 4 England lads...

We're ready for the Euro boys.

Perhaps though, in this age of MPs' expense scandals, corrupt or incompetent bankers, inner city riots and mass phone hacking by journos close to Blair and Cameron that something a bit more gritty should be chosen to represent this green and pleasant land (forget about industrial graveyards like Consett). Meanwhile in Alba, Craig 'nothing up front' Levein has lined up some glamour friendlies against Papua New Guinea and a reconstituted Libya to prepare Scotland for the next World Cup campaign. At least on the smaller stage, no-one notices us fail anymore...

Are you Mom enough for administration?

In the frei market, all animals are equal but some are more equal than others.

Equally, as anyone familiar with feeding kids au natural will know, sometimes tits are unevenly balanced and one will be visibly more laden than the other.

No prizes for guessing then which mammary has been keeping Glasgow Rangers FC afloat in recent months. Despite entering administration under the prudent and watchful eyes of Duff & Duffer, Rangers have been allowed to linger. Like a plague of ants immune to any and every white powder you may sprinkle around your house. Or cockroaches after a nuclear holocaust apparently.

The worse aspect of this sorry episode must surely be the cowardice of the SPL and all its component parts. Under the leadership of Neil Doncaster - and just where did he come from? - the once brave noises made about ending Old Firm domination of the Scottish game have withered away to a 'we need the revenue...'.

Rangers now have an apparent saviour - Green (!) - though all his bluster about his 'preference' for a Company Voluntary Agreement will more than likely come to nothing. Even if does, it could take weeks. So what about next season's SPL fixtures then?

The SPL and Kneel Down-caster should seize the opportunity to do the right thing for all:

• firstly and most importantly, apply the same rules to all or to none
• send Rangers packing to the 3rd Division - this would provide a financial boost for the Scottish game. I'd certainly love to see some 4 and 5 figure crowds in Division 3 as would Elgin, Albion et al
• the increased competition for 2nd spot in the SPL would surely offset the loss of thousands of 'troublesome' Rangers' fans once or twice a season

Back to the other breast though...

...and unfortunately, there was no Neil Doncaster or Duff and Phelps to provide milk for the Hebridean firm of Uist Builders (UBC) who went under last week. UBC who had been operating for nearly 40 years and went into administration on May 8. Three days later, 240 out of 270 jobs were axed. The only part of UBC that may survive is their roofing subsidiary. Do I detect a shorter fuse for those 'teuchter builders fae the islands'?

Job losses are not to be taken lightly anywhere, but I wonder what percentage of Rangers' staff has been shown the door in the months since this debacle began?

Or are footballing giants more equal than others?

Today's empires, tomorrow's ashes.

* Tocasaid would like to thank the up and coming Glasgow-based graphic designer, A.McCoist, for the amended Time breastfeeding cover.

Crowdie, cream, cockboys and cocks.

The superb adaptation for television of Finlay J MacDonald's book 'Crowdie and Cream' has just finished a rerun on BBC Alba. The book tells of MacDonald's childhood between the wars on the Isle of Harris and the richness of Gaelic customs at the time.

It's been a while since I read the book but I recall that it was a pretty comprehensive account of life in Harris at the time, warts and all. I also recall a part which didn't make it into the BBC version. It described how the worst swearyword in Hearach Gaelic that you could say to somebody was that he was a 'cockboy'. This originated from the practise of helping horses mate. The job of leading the stud to the mare and subsequently guiding his member home was not much sought after and would invariably fall to the young and unfortunate.

By sheer co-incidence this week, I also learn of the alleged aversion to sex by the late Queen Mother. The debauched lives and bizarre times of the undoubtedly inbred royal family never cease to amaze me. A new book by a minor member (ho-hum...) of the aristocracy claims that the Queen Mum's offspring were conceived through artificial insemination. Or maybe divine interference. The QM 'didn't do sex' apparently and one has to presume relied upon her own cockboy to provide the next generation of upper-crust scroungers.

Test tube celebration hoodies for the Jubilee.

The book itself was written by Lady Colin Campbell. I don't get the 'Lady Colin' bit. Must be a posho thing. To further obscure matters it seems as if Lady Colin was born a girl but due to a genital defect was raised as a boy until her teens. Like Rastamouse, she has Jamaican connections - namely being born there, albeit to wealthy white settlers. Unlike the animated rasta-rodent though, Lady Colin had her wedding tackle 'realigned' and went on to forge a career as a model.

This family, it should be remembered, with the Queen at its head is charged with 'defending the faith'. Given the perversion, evil, wrath and many contradictions of the holy book, I'd say that this 'job' was entirely apt for the blue-blooded butler botherers.

Finally though, from cockboys to cocks.

Neil Lennon. The man has undoubtedly been the victim of hate-fuelled bigots. He was driven out of the Six Counties by Unionists angry at a Catholic playing for Northern Ireland. This bit I don't understand. If a Northern Irish Catholic choosing to play for NI isn't a statement of Unionism then I don't know what is. Ditto, the braindoners who sent letter bombs to various 'Celtic-minded' people. However, last year's victim is this year's loudmouth and bully.

Any neutral observer of last week's Celtic-Hearts Scottish Cup semi-final would've noticed a number of refereeing mistakes that were favourable to Celtic. Wanyama and Ki-Sung Yeung both tripped over blades of grass in or near the Hearts' box and Celtic's goal was clearly offside. Despite this, Lennon claims that decisions made against Celtic are part of a personal vendetta against him. Why?

Is it because he's not Scottish and is a Catholic? Could be true but then again, what about Hibs' Irish manager Pat Fenlon and Hearts' Paulo Sergio, a Portuguese Catholic? Barr a minority of troublemakers, the dark old days of sectarianism are over. Those who persist in aggressive and anti-social behaviour look increasingly like unhinged, bullying blawhards with a poor grasp of reality. A bit like Lennon actually.

May 26 - Bigot day in Edinburgh

I guess it's the price you pay for being the capital city of a nation moving towards full independence. And unfortunately, being independent won't rid us off the braindoner brigade.

The EDL's 'Burkhas for Boys' campaign.

With the summer month of Beltane not far off, it seems as if the warming air, frolicking hares and budding trees have brought the boys out onto the streets. And it is mostly boys as well as haggard old fitba thugs with tattoos on their necks. Maybe the season that the Celts celebrated for its promise of fertility is bringing the stags out. But is the show for us, for the burrdz or for each other?

First of all, the active service unit of the Sally Army, the SDL/ EDL plan to march from St Giles Cathedral to the Grassmarket. Are they kicking off by having a prayer meeting? Why they are marching though is not understood. Is it against Muslims? Or are they protesting at they powerful branch of the Christian religion - also considered 'native' and 'traditionally British' - which has been embroiled in numerous child abuse scandals not to mention the horrific cases of castration in the Netherlands? Maybe the EDL are pissed off at Sunday ferries 'breaking the Sabbath' on the Isle of Lewis? Hell, maybe they've never been north of Larbert and think Sabbath wrote the hymn Warpigs?

Who cares. We don't need them. If they oppose Islamification and want to protect 'British' life then let them go to church, vote Tory and shop at farmers' markets.

The Apprentice Boys, Boys, Boys

The very same day has been earmarked for a march by the... Apprentice Boys of Derry! It seems as if these young trainees are going to down their set-squares and leave their 'Pathways to Work' scheme in Colm Cille's holy grove of Oak trees and take to the streets of Auld Reekie. I have some questions though. Will it coincide with the Gay Pride march as the last Orange parade did a couple of years ago? Are girrulls allowed? And, with Protestant churches closing down and being turned into night-clubs and housing faster than David Cameron can splutter 'oh, what a panic is in thy bresty'... shouldn't these Apprentice BoysBoysBoys get their bums on the pews before their precious religion dies out once and for all?

Not only that, but the new law aiming to clamp down upon bigots has dredged up its first pair of racists. And, guess what? They're Hibees. Not from the Ugly Sisters nor the much maligned 'establishment team' Hearts. Not even Clyde, Cowdenbeath or Airdrie. But good old Hibernian.

Bruce Findlay's Simple Minds, "Fuck the System"

I should admit an interest here. My maw is from working class Irish Catholic stock who happened to settle in Gorgie many moons ago and whose family subsequently became Jambos. Maybe some Irish Catholic settlers are more establishment than others? Someone though please tell the slavering Bruce Findlay - son of a Hearts' supporting Wee Free and former Simple Minds manager (!!!) who asks in the otherwise excellent 'We Are Hibernian', 'Who's ever heard of a racist Hibee'. The loaded svengali of stadium rock goes on to claim that Hibs are the 'anti-establisment' team in the capital. Well, he's obviously inherited his ludicrous black and white view of the world, to mention grasp of reality, from his old man.

We are Hibernian

 

Poor Hibs need the support. Calderwood just ain't doing it and attendances have fallen to around 8K. However my loyalties and long gone family lie in the west of the city with a club not short of its own problems. The empty seats at Easter Road won't see my arse for a while. Despite being an armchair supporter of Hearts, my tribalistic quotient is pretty low and I'm a firm believer that fitba fans should follow their local team. Any glory hunter in Edinburgh, Kilmarnock, Ayr, Stirling, Inverness, Fife or Perth can easily get on a train with a one-way ticket to revel in the 'glory' and imagined cultures of the Old Firm in Glasgow. It doesn't make you part of the glory though.

Hibs too are a Scottish club with Irish roots like Dundee Utd and the now defunct Dumbarton Harp. However, unlike Celtic FC, Hibernian who pre-date Celtic by a few years, are a Scottish club who celebrate and remember their roots without letting it fester into a peculiar anti-Scottish racism.

We are Hibernian looks at the experiences and memories of a wide variety of Hibs' supporters, including one or two well kent faces from the worlds of of music, art and literature. Ask Santa for it.

http://www.luath.co.uk/we-are-hibernian-the-fans-story.html

Are we no in the book?

Anyone but Engerland

Partly due to my German better half, I'm supporting Germany. The other part wants nothing to do with the xenophobia, immigrant-phobia and disgusting Lib-Dem Conservatism that is gripping England at the moment. Partly also to the abuse my German partner and her clients received in a Fort William hotel from a party of middle-aged English tourists when the English refused to support their Euro neighbours. Funny that!

So, when England's media and their knuckleheided fans can bring themselves to celebrate the historic links between Germany and England, such as their common Anglo-Saxon tongue, patron saint, Royal Family and traditional habit of marching into other countries, I might bring myself to support them when they play anyone.