Spin your own UKIP candidate generator

Just say you're in an 'anti-establishment' political party. Your leader comes from the same kind of stable as David Cameron or George Osbourne but because he's a blawhard with a sense of humour, the media love him. The fact that he's another rich white man with a dodgy record on expenses and hiring...er migrants to work for him is glossed over.

Behind the jokey everyman  'always in pub with pint in hand' persona is a hive of frenetic hard-right activity. It seems as if every right-wing nutter in the book is in UKIP - from knife-wielding skinheads seig-heiling to the camera to swivel-eyed aristocrats to misogynists to god-bothering homophobes.

Here though is Tocasaid's handy contribution the UKIP phenomenon. Want a controversial right-wing arsehole to pump you up with the oxygen of publicity? Have a spin...

1 - Jeremy Clarkson. Has prejudice of one shade or another filling him like beans. Mexicans, gays, Scots, women, black people... He lives the life of a traditional English, white private school product. Hell, why doesn't the whole world race about in posh cars, roll about guffawing at the less fortunate (or just those who are different) in between slugs of expensive wine? Like UKIP, he plays the 'rebellious' card while being... just another rich, white man who's never known anything but a life of privilege.

2. Pat Robertson. Downside is that he isn't British. But then again, neither is Farage's wife who he employs at the taxpayer's expense in a job that a Brit could do. Neither is Farage's 'builder' pal and star of UKIP's election campaign and author of racist tweets who hails from... Zimbabwe. So far, Scotland has been no-man's land for the crazies of UKIP. This is where Pat comes in. He knows us..."A dark land, overrun by gays". Pat could lubricate the passage for Farage to slide in and sort us out.

"In Scotland, you can't believe how strong the homosexuals are. It's just simply unbelievable," he told his viewers.
Scotland's religious past was no more, he said. "I don't think it exists any more. And what could happen? It could go right back to the darkness very easily."

3. Random Bonehead. UKIP was described to me by a pal as the 'EDL for rich folk'. That about sums it up. But, it seems as if UKIP has been adept at attracting the kind of short/no-haired nutters that used to swim with the BNP. Ein, zwei... reach for that phone!

4. James MacMillan CBE. Conservative, Christian (of the Roman Catholic sub-sect) and controversial. He has compared pro-independence artists to the Blackshirts and doesn't like the Scots Tories having a lesbian leader. This could be a win-win situation for UKIP - a raving right-winger who is still kind of... respectable. By some. He still looks like a pompous auld fart though and accusing others of being Blackshirt may backfire.

5. Whatshername Hopkins. Your typical vacuous south-of-England rent-a-quote, if you like your quotes offensive. Even the Daily Star compared her to a horse. She doesn't like 'gingers', old people in mobility scooters, the working class or Scotland. If you're Farage and you want either another mistress or someone to add an equine a feminine touch to your radge party then Hopkins is your girl. Probably her most infamous tweet was this one:

“Life expectancy in Scotland 07/08 birth is 59.5. Goodness me. That lot will do anything to avoid working until retirement.”

Poorly timed, the controversial pundit posted the message just hours after a police helicopter crashed into a pub in Glasgow, killing nine people and injuring 32 more.

The Independent.

6. Leigh Griffiths. At first glance you may think that the Hibernian fan and Celtic FC striker is a bit thick to involved in politics but I don't see any difference between him and many of UKIP's extremist past, present or former political candidates. He doesn't like homosexuals, east Europeans or Muslims of a Scottish-Asian background. Perfecto para UKIP, no? On the other hand he has probably never heard of Brussels.

Hey it's not perfect but you spins yer wheel and takes yer chances!

Mother of a Thousand Dead lives on....

 

Iron Lady with your stone heart so eager that the lesson be taught
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.

Reincarnation may appear to be fantasy, unless of course Buddhists are referring to constant recycling of atoms from past lives that make up our present being. It may seem as if our present London government has ingested the atoms and spirit of Fred West or Harold Shipman but we're gonna have to bide our time for them to surface.

Thatcher will be dust and ash by the time this hits the net but her spores have been active since the dark years of her reign.

Her most notable legacy is the underclass that her policies created. But how has the arrogance, bloodlust, elitism and poshboy/ city slicker swagger been reincarnated?

Firstly, it must be that special relationship. Cameron and the soft Republican that is Barrack Obama can only dream of getting deep down and dirty like Thatch and Reagan...

Google street view works in hindsight.

She even managed to tug Labour so far to the right that they have their tongues up UKIP's sheuch.

 

"Oh Anthony... you came quicker than Ronnie."

Even the great white hope of Labour's Presbyterian wing had 'a meeting of the minds'.

An Old Testament kind of fling.

Unfortunately, Jimmy had got in there first...

"Your morgue or mine?"

And then it's on to her many god-children, such as...

Jeremy Clarkson

...and...

Mumfart and sons.... the original is even more horrific.

...and, worse of all, here in North Britain that likes to think of itself as a Tory-free-zone...

"The poor want something for nothing?"

Bearing in mind though that death is no laughing matter - unless you happen to be Rupert Murdoch and your favourite woman's government has sunk and killed a boatload of young Argentine conscripts in what amounts to a warcrime - then here's a picture of some people dressed in black:

Gotcha!

And here is one of the songs they wrote:

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

How does it feel to be the mother of a thousand dead?
Young boys rest now, cold graves in cold earth.
How does it feel to be the mother of a thousand dead?
Sunken eyes, lost now; empty sockets in futile death.

Your arrogance has gutted these bodies of life,
Your deceit fooled them that it was worth the sacrifice.
Your lies persuaded people to accept the wasted blood,
Your filthy pride cleansed you of the doubt you should have had.
You smile in the face of the death cause you are so proud and vain,
Your inhumanity stops you from realising the pain
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.

You never wanted peace or solution,
From the start you lusted after war and destruction.
Your blood-soaked reason ruled out other choices,
Your mockery gagged more moderate voices.
So keen to play your bloody part, so impatient that your war be fought.
Iron Lady with your stone heart so eager that the lesson be taught
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.

Cheap laughs in other people's misery

The recent stooshies surrounding the humour of some English media types is probably heaven-sent propaganda material for certain right-wing tabloids who will use it in their latest campaign against 'political correctness'. Some in the London-based media would just love it if they could call a spade a spade and come out with the kind of hate-filled bile that even the BNP are scared to speak today.

Ha! Another murder!

The Matthew Wright incident is harder to brush off though as the predictable objections of a few lefties. It does however shine a spotlight on the hypocrisy that surrounds both the tabloid media and the kind of shock-comedians and presenters who make cheap laughs and money out of the misery of others.

Wright's employer is of course Channel 5 which is interestingly enough owned by Daily Express czar Richard Desmond. The Express, it should be remembered, is a campaigning paper and likes to see itself as being 'tough on crime' - as much as despised journalists can be. Desmond by the way is also the owner of various porn mags and one time donor to Blair's Labour Party - could this all be more righteous than it already is?!  Paxman's interview with Blair, if you can find it on You Tube, makes for classic viewing.

Wright though peddles a different kind of porn - and not one than young lads can have a quick hand-shandy to - poverty porn. This is usually bad enough - watching the smug bully that is Wright revel in the problems of various 'schemies' and 'chavs' confused by their 15 minutes of fame and hyped up on free coffee. However, hearing Wright and his fellow bullies smirk and guffaw at their own jokes about the murder of a teenager in the Isle of Lewis really does make the stomach churn. Like all of his ilk, he chooses his targets wisely though. This 'may only be a laugh' but why doesn't he laugh at the deaths in his own family? Why not laugh at soldiers blown apart in Afghanistan? Why not IRA victims?

Strange how these folk can come over all PC when it suits them.

Hope their families are watching.

Wright is not alone. His case swiftly follows that of yon fat buffoon Jeremy Clarkson. Hearing a bloated ex-private school windbag who drives cars for a living at the tax-payers' expense courtesy of the BBC, saying the striking teachers and nurses should be shot makes even this atheist wish for a wrathful God to suddenly demand Clarkson's biblical-style circumcision. How would JC fare in an inner-city school trying to teach the offspring of society's detritus? Would he have picked up the pieces of human bodies after London's many terrorist bombs over the years? Cannae see it somehow.

Or as someone else put it:

A Banker, a School Teacher, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail reader are sat around a table. In front of them is a plate, on which there are ten biscuits. The Banker scoffs nine of the biscuits, then the Tory turns to the Daily Mail reader and whispers in his ear "Watch out, that teacher is after your biscuit."

Which role would Clarkson play?

Whit ye waiting fur? Jist git oan wi it!

Scotland has its own prize hypocrite though. Billy Connolly. His laughs came from the beheading in Iraq of Ken Bigley. Ho-ho! However, I can't recall his jokes about Princess Di's early demise? Maybe his friendship with Prince Charles and the Royal Family has something to do the 'Big Yin's' selective political correctness? If not, I look forward to hearing his jokes about Chas' uncle, Louis Mountbatten - "1st Earl of Burma" - who the IRA infamously assassinated in 1979. Maybe the famously working-class Connolly does have some boundaries after all?

Not all school bullies grow up to become policemen.

Blazing Saddles surfaces in Top Gear

Not being a fan of expensive metal boxes on wheels, I'm not really into Top Gear. And not being an middle-aged overweight sleazy right-wing private school rugger type, I think that Jeremy Clarkson is a prize bawbag. The team of misfits and freaks have now shown how brave and witty they are by insulting Mexicans. Needless to say, this was done at a safe distance of several thousand miles. Were they to try out their 'edgy' humour on real Mexicans in say, Tijuana, they might actually find themselves beheaded by one of the local drug gangs. That though would assume that these thick middle-class white boys were intelligent enough to speak Spanish.

There are some in Scotland who think that the arrogant, bigoted and posh Sassanach as embodied in the Top Gear team is representative of the English generally. While there are those who even when being benign treat us and others like curious pygmies, it is telling that you rarely hear a working-class English accent in either Top Gear or amongst the 'white settlers' who come to Scotland.

For the uninitiated, Jeremy Clarkson is himself a stereotypical motoring nerd. Podgy, white and privileged, he attended - surprise, surprise - a posh English private school whose 'edgy' former pupils include the Earl of Scarborough. Cool or what? He is attended to in his program by sleazy lizard eyed short-arse Richard Hammond. What is more worrying is that Hammond - who looks like the offspring of Fred West and an iguana - also pops up in a sleazy black leather trenchcoat on a kids' science program. Hammond's forked tongue is usually seen zipping in and out of Clarkson's bum sheuch while Jeremy guffaws like a typical public school oaf. Is Hammond exempt from Disclosure checks? Lastly, is the ironically effeminate James May who could possibly be the bastard son of Michael Heseltine and Anne Widdecombe. Is it my imagination or does he wave his bouffant grey mane as a nervous tick adopted as a result of being bullied at school? Apparently he often takes the role of 'the biscuit' when the other two engage in the schoolboy masturbatory pursuit of 'shoot the biscuit'.

Steve Cougan, a man who has spent the last decade searching for a funny joke, succinctly summed up the generally sad nature of these dicks in the Guardian. Here's a taste:

Richard has his tongue so far down the back of Jeremy's trousers he could forge a career as the back end of a pantomime horse. His attempt to foster some Clarkson-like maverick status with his "edgy" humour is truly tragic. He reminds you of the squirt at school as he hangs round Clarkson the bully, as if to say, "I'm with him". Meanwhile, James May stands at the back holding their coats as they beat up the boy with the stutter.

Reading about three privileged white guys rip the easy piss out of a safe target reminds me of yon railroad scene in classic film Blazing Saddles. In the clip below, I wonder if you can spot the Top Gear guys amongst the white boy braindoners seeking to exploit those they see as below them? All in all, this film that has more genuinely laugh-out-loud edgy witty and un-PC humour in its first 5 minutes than in the combined 'creative' output of the Top Gear team - and that includes their various columns in such rags as The Sun, Times and Daily Telegraph.