We are privileged to reveal that the Royal Baby is not one but two! They are very premature but in a panic to avert Scotch independence, Princes David and Nigel will be installed on the Downing Street throne. Though young, Downing Street PR gurus with help from Gordon Brown, have advocated a 'back to basics' approach to the coronation. Brown is said to have alluded to the sorry tale of the Maid of Norway who became Queen of Scots at the age of seven.
The previous heir to the London throne, Prince Boris, is thought to be considering a reality TV show which he would co-host with the reputed anti-Semite, George Galloway.
Or, alles Gute zum Geburtstag in your ancestral tongue. It's been a while but what better occasion to take a break from the scorching Scotch summer than a royal birthday. It certainly takes the mind away from PRO-PUTIN SEPARATISTS er, our friend Israel bombing the fick out of families, children and hospitals in Gaza.
Fortunately, Scotland remains a Jubilee-frei zone save for two street parties in parts of Edinburgh that could be described as 'middle-class English ghettos' and where people tend to pronounce words like 'clear' as 'klee-ah'. Add to that, some Orange Order events in Glasgow that have been subsidised by the local, newly vibrant yet still stuck in the pastLabour Party - "we like things just the way they are, thanks" - and that more or less is the sum of things.
On the face of things, its been good year for Tories and Unionists to 'celebrate' their Britishness - not just the Queen's expensive shindig but the whole Team GB facade to give us something else to 'unite around'. There's also been the righteous indignation at Argentina making headway on re-gaining the Malvinas. On the downside, bankrupt Britain's debt continues to grow and the mother of fuckups parliaments in Lon-done continues to be mired in sleaze and corruption.
So, here's some art, starting above with Gee Voucher's classic 'Sex Pistols' montage for the Crass release Christ - The Album . That surely has be followed up by a re-visit to Laibach's excellent rendition of GSTQ in the form of 'Anglia'.
Am not sure of the original source of this but... who would've thunk it? Royal Family links to Nazis and Germans!
It also transpired that some awrslicker academics in Glasgow managed to superimpose the Queen's head onto a grain of rice or something of that ilk. The Japanese have done one better than that though. They've produced the world's first Royal Wankmachine. Why waste energy choking yon Bishop of Canterbury when the Queen can give you 'head' so to speak...
Er... sorry. I forgot that in the days of that Queen, Great Britain was a land of huge disparity between rich and poor, ruled by rich Eton-educated white men.
The superb adaptation for television of Finlay J MacDonald's book 'Crowdie and Cream' has just finished a rerun on BBC Alba. The book tells of MacDonald's childhood between the wars on the Isle of Harris and the richness of Gaelic customs at the time.
It's been a while since I read the book but I recall that it was a pretty comprehensive account of life in Harris at the time, warts and all. I also recall a part which didn't make it into the BBC version. It described how the worst swearyword in Hearach Gaelic that you could say to somebody was that he was a 'cockboy'. This originated from the practise of helping horses mate. The job of leading the stud to the mare and subsequently guiding his member home was not much sought after and would invariably fall to the young and unfortunate.
By sheer co-incidence this week, I also learn of the alleged aversion to sex by the late Queen Mother. The debauched lives and bizarre times of the undoubtedly inbred royal family never cease to amaze me. A new book by a minor member (ho-hum...) of the aristocracy claims that the Queen Mum's offspring were conceived through artificial insemination. Or maybe divine interference. The QM 'didn't do sex' apparently and one has to presume relied upon her own cockboy to provide the next generation of upper-crust scroungers.
Test tube celebration hoodies for the Jubilee.
The book itself was written by Lady Colin Campbell. I don't get the 'Lady Colin' bit. Must be a posho thing. To further obscure matters it seems as if Lady Colin was born a girl but due to a genital defect was raised as a boy until her teens. Like Rastamouse, she has Jamaican connections - namely being born there, albeit to wealthy white settlers. Unlike the animated rasta-rodent though, Lady Colin had her wedding tackle 'realigned' and went on to forge a career as a model.
This family, it should be remembered, with the Queen at its head is charged with 'defending the faith'. Given the perversion, evil, wrath and many contradictions of the holy book, I'd say that this 'job' was entirely apt for the blue-blooded butler botherers.
Finally though, from cockboys to cocks.
Neil Lennon. The man has undoubtedly been the victim of hate-fuelled bigots. He was driven out of the Six Counties by Unionists angry at a Catholic playing for Northern Ireland. This bit I don't understand. If a Northern Irish Catholic choosing to play for NI isn't a statement of Unionism then I don't know what is. Ditto, the braindoners who sent letter bombs to various 'Celtic-minded' people. However, last year's victim is this year's loudmouth and bully.
Any neutral observer of last week's Celtic-Hearts Scottish Cup semi-final would've noticed a number of refereeing mistakes that were favourable to Celtic. Wanyama and Ki-Sung Yeung both tripped over blades of grass in or near the Hearts' box and Celtic's goal was clearly offside. Despite this, Lennon claims that decisions made against Celtic are part of a personal vendetta against him. Why?
Is it because he's not Scottish and is a Catholic? Could be true but then again, what about Hibs' Irish manager Pat Fenlon and Hearts' Paulo Sergio, a Portuguese Catholic? Barr a minority of troublemakers, the dark old days of sectarianism are over. Those who persist in aggressive and anti-social behaviour look increasingly like unhinged, bullying blawhards with a poor grasp of reality. A bit like Lennon actually.
Kind of. But why does London-centric English society revel in the past? Any nation could be forgiven for wanting to relive past glories. We remember Bannockburn for example, though I'd say that for 99% of those wanting independence for Scotland, a glorious victory over invading oppressors in 1314 is not a blueprint for a future progressive Scotland. Neither do we want another crack at the Darien scheme.
Not so for much of English society. The past is being regurgitated quicker than Boris Johnson can cough up blond hairballs.
There's the minor matter of the England football manager's position. Fabio, the swarthy foreigner, has been sent packing back to Italy. Not only that but he should never really have come in the first place despite the English FA offering him £6m. Jawn Terwy may not be an out an out Nazi and more of village idiot but, either way he is not really 'role model' stuff. Surely though the manager of any team should be consulted on team selection? Has Vladamir Romanov bought the FA?
Therefore, the role models of the tabloid press are calling for steadfast woight Englishman to deliver what England expects. Now that Argentina are gurning once more about those Malvinas, they need someone who can sock it to the Argies in EURO 2012. Now there's a conundrum! If the Malvinas are 'British' and therefore European, why can't nearby Argentina join in EURO 2012?
Never mind, the new woightman in the English hot-seat could always feed the tabloid dogs by having a go at the Germans who England defeated in two world wars and one world cup. The Germans should be easy pickings as they've never won any major trophy and their economy is in tatters due to having adopted the Euro.
Speaking of Germans though, it's the diamond jubilee of Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg. Now, what could be more fitting in this glorious 60th year of her reign than to give her the England manager's job. On one hand, the tabloids would have their 'pure' Englishperson at the helm but on the other, it would also satisfy the lefties as the FA would now become a beacon for gender equality.
We no longer have a woman PM in Downing Street but David Cameron and his younger twin, Nick Clegg are champin at the bit to show that they can match the Iron Lady for warmongering in times of hardship. The economy is still fckd, their plans to wreck the NHS are coming unstuck and the Porridge Wogs in Scotchland are refusing to bend to London's will. After joining with the French to kick Gadaffi's ass, what better than Falklands Manager 2012?
After all, the population of the Malvinas are all woight and they love the Union Jack more than their brethern in Belfast so its our duty to defend... er their right to self-determination. Just hope the Jocks don't get wind of that. The idea that 'Britain' may have in the past ejected present islanders and replaced them with a bunch of sheep farmers from Scotland and Wales is irrelevant. In fact, recent research by English historian David Starkey shows that tectonic forces pushed the islands from their former position off the Devon coast to their current far-flung remoteness in the Southern Hemisphere.
All in all, there's never been a better time to break away though in the meantime I could live with the Sex Pistols or Laibach hitting number one this summer.
And for the 3rd paper on the choice of AV or first past the post voting for the greedy and bankrupt London parliament, I intend to write 'Independence'.
The Union has failed Scotland, that much is clear. Historically, Scotland used to enjoy cordial trading relations with the main European powers. After the union of 1707, we were at war with them because England's battles were now ours as well. At the time, many Scots lived in dire poverty. That did not change even though a handful of Scottish merchants did line their pockets on the plundered spoils of the British Empire.
Today, the contrast between the haves and have-nots is still stark. On the Royal Wedding weekend, the East Neuk of Fife was replete with Union Jacks and pics of the happy privileged couple. It was like a corner of middle England tacked onto the bulk of dark once-communist Fife. A drive through the likes of Leven, Kennoway and Cowdenbeath on the way home revealed the real Fife. That saddest thing is that huge swathes of deprivation and poverty like this are to be found in most parts of Scotland - from Dumfries to Glasgow, from Midlothian to Aberdeen.
In parts of Glasgow the longevity of an average man is as low as 54.
Meanwhile, our small and independent neighbours on the North Atlantic rim are doing fine. Norway in fact is sitting on top of the world in terms of wealth, health, happiness, education and even community spirit. Even the nations in the 'arc of prosperity' - Ireland and Iceland - that lost their shine are still more prosperous than bankrupt Britain.
Despite Britain's reputed £900billion debt, the combined Unionist alliance of Labour, Tory and LibDem have wasted billions on foreign wars, Trident missiles, aircraft carriers, shoring up nuclear powers and other such nonsense. Demands to safeguard public services are met with demands from Cameron, Clegg, Brown or Blair to 'tighten our belts'. Why provide for Scotland's poor when you can kill half a million Iraqi civilians in order to remove a dictator of our own making?
Its bullshit. There is absolutely no reason for Scotland to remain part of a 'UK' that is bankrupt in all senses of the word. Some Scots still vote Labour because their grandparents did. Some don't like Alex Salmond. Some believe scaremongering that only voting Labour will keep the Tories out. That's a vote for negativity.
If Labour want to protect Scotland from a London Tory government, then they too should embrace independence and reclaim some of their auld principles.
Think for yourselves. Don't vote for Salmond, vote for Scotland's future. It could be SNP, Green or Scottish Socialist. Scottish Labour is a corpse of a fat complacent dinosaur that took its food source for granted for far too long. Leave it to the maggots.
Our shops are decked in red, white and blue. The colours of the royal wedding and Old Firm mail bombers who profess loyalty to the Queen but refuse her law. As Scotland enters the final week of an election which looks like it could deliver a joint SNP-Green administration and with it, a referendum on independence, the plebes are given a day off. Grate Britain is bankrupt but on top of another military enterprise abroad where we bomb another oil-rich nation we can afford to splurge on the weddingof an Anglo-Hellenic-Germanic prince and his posh bit of fluff.
How soon before the royal couple grace the floor on the Royal Strictly Come or ITV screen I'm An Inbred, Get Me Out of Here! where chinless aristo types eat lichen and dungbeetles on the banks of Lochnagar? If not them, then their kids. That's for sure.
Turn off the telly on Friday and watch some other anthems....
Laibach - Anglia
So you still believe you're ruling the World,
Using all your tricks to keep the picture blurred.
Scatter your enemies, confound their politics,
So you still believe you're ruling the world...
God save your gracious Queen,
Long live your noble Queen.
God save your gracious Queen,
God save you all!
So you still believe you're superior,
And all other nations are inferior,
Any sedition hushed, rebellious Scots crushed,
So you still believe you're superior,
God save your gracious Queen,
Long live your noble Queen.
God save your gracious Queen,
God save you all!
So you still pretend you're ruling the World,
Using all your tricks to keep the picture blurred...
So you still pretend you're ruling the World,
Using all your tricks to keep the picture blurred...
Sex Pistols - God Save the Queen
God save the queen cos tourists are money
and our figurehead is not what she seems
Oh god save history god save your mad parade
Oh lord god have mercy all crimes are paid
Finally, here's Kunt and the Gang once again. Share the love...
The forthcoming 'royal' marriage between an Anglo-Germanic prince and his chosen receptacle for the royal seed has the worrying possibility of giving renewed credence to two equally outdated institutions. Those are the 'British' royal family and marriage. Marriage though as we know it appears to be dying despite a blip in Scotland last year when the numbers were up slightly from the previous year's all-time low. The fact remains though that most relationships break up. Why then try and contain human sexual relations within a narrow Judeo-Christian box that is increasingly a coffin for true natural feelings?
In a Western European context, the 'institution' of marriage continues to be shored up through the twin evils of religion and authoritarianism. Religion at least seems to be dying too. Perhaps 'dying' is too strong a verb as there will always be a significant minority who either believe in a god or want to get hitched in whatever way god or state decides. It is however a cause of celebration that both these institutions seem to be withering away to their 'irreducable core'.
Those who do not or cannot marry are still hindered by the archane laws of many countries in Europe. One example is that of the late Stieg Larsson, author of the Millennium Trilogy. He died at the age of 50 in 2004. However,the law in his native Sweden refuses to acknowledge the 32 year co-habitation between Larsson and his partner as legitimate and decrees that his estate should go to his blood relatives.
Germany too creates difficulties for those not married, even when one of the partners and their child are born abroad. Should an unmarried German mother attempt to take her Scottish born baby into Germany there could be problems if the baby carries a different name to her mother. Should they wish to enter Germany via an airport, the customs and excise guards could refuse entry and fine the mother 2000 Euros. Should the mother drive or walk across the border from the Netherlands, France, Poland or Denmark then this isn't an issue.
Which god is that?
Civil partnerships may be a step in the right direction. However, should the love or co-habitation between two people of any gender have to be 'recognised' by the state? The word 'marry' simply means 'to unite' or 'to come together' and this was the way it was for most of human history. Monogamy too has not always been an issue though in almost all cultures it's usually been the men who have enjoyed various partners. Even early Christians were not as hung up on a formal ceremony and recognition of marriage as their modern equivalents are. For the early Christians, the intention to live together was signal enough of the love between two people.
The philosopher AC Grayling in his book Life, Sex and Ideas - The Good Life Without God states:
The roots of socio-legal marriage lie in a profoundly sexist financial arrangement. Its originating aim was to constrain women's sexuality and fertility so that men could be sure they were bequeathing their property to their own offspring. When the poorer classes also began to acquire property... various marriage traditions were at last reduced by law to a single type.
Control of sex is what it comes down to. Rich men wanted to make it illegal for another man to 'shag their burd'. And if the law failed then at least the groundwork was done to deny the fruit of another man's loins wealth that it didn't deserve. As with modern drug control though, the law and religious morality failed and continues to do so. Hence, what is natural becomes illegal. Grayling goes on to offer the following quotes:
Christianity gave Eros poison to drink but he did not die of it. He degenerated - into vice. Nietzsche.
Nature knows no indecencies, man invents them. Mark Twain.
"Is your scrote bigger than mine?"
As with the old definition of 'marriage' having being corrupted, so too is 'monogamy'. Monogamy originally meant one partner for life. Aye right. The fact is though that should you be lucky enough to marry the person with which you spend your remaining decades of life, it is highly unlikely that it will be your first sexual partner. Equally, despite all the fuss, money and continuing morality surrounding marriage, around half of them break up. If this isn't reason enough to give it a miss, why not look to biology. According to Dutch biologist Midas Dekkers, the inclination of a species to play around can be gauged by the size of the scrotum:
The greater the chances of unfaithfulness , the greater the sperm production will have to be. Within a single group of animals the degree of infidelity from species to species can be determined by the size of the scrota.
We apparently, on the scrotal swingometer, are somewhere in the middle between the chimp and the gorilla with a slight inclination towards gorilla-style fidelity. Infidelity remains a popular habit for married couples though. What will Prince William be? A chimp, gorilla or maybe a bonobo? Certainly, his family have no claim to the moral high ground of family values in a married Christian context. His wee brother Harry is a carbon copy of the 'lecherous cad' James Hewitt. His father Chas allegedly had 'liaisons' with a male servant and enjoyed adulterous relations - "I want to be your tampon" - with horse-faced Camilla while still married to Saint Di.
Interestingly the word 'infidelity' originally meant a 'want of faith, unbelief in religion'. Polly Vernon in the Guardian states that up to 40% of people in marriages or long-term relationships will be 'unfaithful' at some point. Again though, our obsession with sins of the flesh should have no place in a modern progressive society. Partners can be ill-treated in many ways. Why then should a sexual liaison with another person be worse than sitting in front of a computer growing a beer belly while 'the wife' does the washing-up?
In the progressive Scandinavian nations, religion and marriage are becoming increasingly sidelined. In Norway and Sweden, the majority of kids are now born outside of marriage. This has caused some consternation amongst Catholics, still reeling from the Pope's condom U-turn who fear a loss of control.
Marriage remains an outdated and usually expensive millstone around our necks. In Europe it is promoted by a Judeo-Christian philosophy that expects us to circumcise our sons or sees unmarried elderly bachelors sermonise us on family values. It is a unnecessary capitulation to authoritarianism and backward religious 'morals'. MPs and priests, churches and registry offices can no more express the diversity and unpredictability of human love than can Loving magazine or a comic strip from The Sun. On April 29th, I'll celebrate the likely demise of the forthcoming royal marriage and hopefully of both 'institutions'.
That lone voice of reason, the Daily Mail today reports with horror that...
The astonishing speed at which traditional family life has collapsed is laid bare today.
Shocking figures reveal that births outside marriage are at their highest level in two centuries and nearly half of children can expect their parents to separate by the time they turn 16.
Nine out of ten couples now live together before – or instead of – tying the knot. Before the Second World War, it was fewer than one in 30.
I am indeed shocked. Its the first good news that I've read in the Mail, ever.
Amazing but true... London BBC plumbs new depths in insularity in their coverage of the impending nuclear crisis in tsunami-hit Japan. While helicopters hover over the stricken countryside, our well-spoken English correspondent tells us that one of the main problems in gaining information from the local populace is that they are... Japanese speaking. And thus, the navel-gazers of Englandshire are rocked by a quake of higher magnitude that than which hit Japan - these people actually exist without the English language!
While David Attenborough extols the wonders of Madagascar's flora and fauna it seems as if the BBC has sent Germano-Hellenic Prince Philip to marvel at the plight of those yellow and slanty eyed foreigners.
Phil the Greek, "Come ahead all you slitty-eyed Jock jigaboos and wops"
And then, the Beeb's helicopter returned to more urban areas where islands of Engerlish are often to be found. As people stuck on top of buildings and bridges signalled their need for rescue, the camera crews of the British Broadcasting Corporation had another priority - film first, rescue later, all the while hoping that it doesn't overshadow news of the royal wedding. But while we Brits were reassured that we are too clever to learn others' languages we at least were able to identify language as one of the cultural markers which differentiates Japan from Engerland.
Meanwhile, back in yon green and pleasant land, a nation of Daily Mail readers awaited their next visual feast amid dire warnings that a Scottish media service would be... 'narrow and insular'.
Further to the previous posting on multiculturalism, I feel it is only proper that we rejoice in today's news that the German Prince Wilhelm is to marry his English rose of a girlfriend. It is believed that the wedding will take place in a place of worship used by adherents to a Middle-Eastern faith known as Christianity. Central to this faith is the marriage ceremony which makes it illegal for the bride to copulate with or bear children by another man. Yet another ingredient in the melting pot. It appears the Prince Wilhelm is destined to become 'defender' of this faith. It is hoped that this will be a peaceful matter as Christians have, in the past, resorted to violence - either against other nations or internally against those suspected of witchcraft or following a rival football team.
Members of Glasgow's Germanic Christian community celebrate the Royal wedding by engaging Her Majesty's' Constabulary in street combat.
Indeed, in Glasgow, Shiite Christians who swear allegiance to Imam William of Orange often engage in bloody clashes with their Sunni Christian enemies. Scotland's Sunni Christian community were buoyed this year after their spiritual leader Oberstammführer Benedict visited Glasgow to incite them to campaign vigorously against homosexuality, abortion, women's' rights and masturbation. Ironically, Benedict also rejoices in his German bloodline.
Wilhelm's brother has chosen his wedding attire.
The BBC has replaced coverage of job losses and the student sacking of Tory HQ with in-depth analysis of the entire revolting spectacle. The sinister right-wing Tax Payers' Alliance has responded by meekly asking the Royals to keep the bill down to a reasonable £30m or so.
So far, the silence from the Daily Mail and certain members of the Scottish blogging community regarding the waste of taxpayers' and BBC license payers' money on the frivolities of an extended family of foreign scroungers has been noted in the corridors of sanity.
