Marriage and scrota. Royal or otherwise.

The forthcoming 'royal' marriage between an Anglo-Germanic prince and his chosen receptacle for the royal seed has the worrying possibility of giving renewed credence to two equally outdated institutions. Those are the 'British' royal family and marriage. Marriage though as we know it appears to be dying despite a blip in Scotland last year when the numbers were up slightly from the previous year's all-time low. The fact remains though that most relationships break up. Why then try and contain human sexual relations within a narrow Judeo-Christian box that is increasingly a coffin for true natural feelings?

In a Western European context, the 'institution' of marriage continues to be shored up through the twin evils of religion and authoritarianism. Religion at least seems to be dying too. Perhaps 'dying' is too strong a verb as there will always be a significant minority who either believe in a god or want to get hitched in whatever way god or state decides. It is however a cause of celebration that both these institutions seem to be withering away to their 'irreducable core'.

Those who do not or cannot marry are still hindered by the archane laws of many countries in Europe. One example is that of the late Stieg Larsson, author of the Millennium Trilogy. He died at the age of 50 in 2004. However,the law in his native Sweden refuses to acknowledge the 32 year co-habitation between Larsson and his partner as legitimate and decrees that his estate should go to his blood relatives.

Germany too creates difficulties for those not married, even when one of the partners and their child are born abroad. Should an unmarried German mother attempt to take her Scottish born baby into Germany there could be problems if the baby carries a different name to her mother. Should they wish to enter Germany via an airport, the customs and excise guards could refuse entry and fine the mother 2000 Euros. Should the mother drive or walk across the border from the Netherlands, France, Poland or Denmark then this isn't an issue.

Which god is that?

Civil partnerships may be a step in the right direction. However, should the love or co-habitation between two people of any gender have to be 'recognised' by the state? The word 'marry' simply means 'to unite' or 'to come together' and this was the way it was for most of human history. Monogamy too has not always been an issue though in almost all cultures it's usually been the men who have enjoyed various partners. Even early Christians were not as hung up on a formal ceremony and recognition of marriage as their modern equivalents are. For the early Christians, the intention to live together was signal enough of the love between two people.

The philosopher AC Grayling in his book Life, Sex and Ideas - The Good Life Without God states:

The roots of socio-legal marriage lie in a profoundly sexist financial arrangement. Its originating aim was to constrain women's sexuality and fertility so that men could be sure they were bequeathing their property to their own offspring. When the poorer classes also began to acquire property... various marriage traditions were at last reduced by law to a single type.

Control of sex is what it comes down to. Rich men wanted to make it illegal for another man to 'shag their burd'. And if the law failed then at least the groundwork was done to deny the fruit of another man's loins wealth that it didn't deserve. As with modern drug control though, the law and religious morality failed and continues to do so. Hence, what is natural becomes illegal. Grayling goes on to offer the following quotes:

Christianity gave Eros poison to drink but he did not die of it. He degenerated - into vice. Nietzsche.

Nature knows no indecencies, man invents them. Mark Twain.

"Is your scrote bigger than mine?"

As with the old definition of 'marriage' having being corrupted, so too is 'monogamy'. Monogamy originally meant one partner for life.  Aye right. The fact is though that should you be lucky enough to marry the person with which you spend your remaining decades of life, it is highly unlikely that it will be your first sexual partner. Equally, despite all the fuss, money and continuing morality surrounding marriage, around half of them break up. If this isn't reason enough to give it a miss, why not look to biology. According to Dutch biologist Midas Dekkers, the inclination of a species to play around can be gauged by the size of the scrotum:

The greater the chances of unfaithfulness , the greater the sperm production will have to be.  Within a single group of animals the degree of infidelity from species to species can be determined by the size of the scrota.

We apparently, on the scrotal swingometer, are somewhere in the middle between the chimp and the gorilla with a slight inclination towards gorilla-style fidelity. Infidelity remains a popular habit for married couples though. What will Prince William be? A chimp, gorilla or maybe a bonobo? Certainly, his family have no claim to the moral high ground of family values in a married Christian context. His wee brother Harry is a carbon copy of the 'lecherous cad' James Hewitt. His father Chas allegedly had 'liaisons' with a male servant and enjoyed adulterous relations - "I want to be your tampon" - with horse-faced Camilla while still married to Saint Di.

Interestingly the word 'infidelity' originally meant a 'want of faith, unbelief in religion'. Polly Vernon in the Guardian states that up to 40% of people in marriages or long-term relationships will be 'unfaithful' at some point. Again though, our obsession with sins of the flesh should have no place in a modern progressive society. Partners can be ill-treated in many ways. Why then should a sexual liaison with another person be worse than sitting in front of a computer growing a beer belly while 'the wife' does the washing-up?

Penis Envy was right.

In the progressive Scandinavian nations, religion and marriage are becoming increasingly sidelined. In Norway and Sweden, the majority of kids are now born outside of marriage. This has caused some consternation amongst Catholics, still reeling from the Pope's condom U-turn who fear a loss of control.

Marriage remains an outdated and usually expensive millstone around our necks. In Europe it is promoted by a Judeo-Christian philosophy that expects us to circumcise our sons or sees unmarried elderly bachelors sermonise us on family values. It is a unnecessary capitulation to authoritarianism and backward religious 'morals'. MPs and priests, churches and registry offices can no more express the diversity and unpredictability of human love than can Loving magazine or a comic strip from The Sun. On April 29th, I'll celebrate the likely demise of the forthcoming royal marriage and hopefully of both 'institutions'.

Midas Dekkers, The Way of All Flesh - A Celebration of Decay 

AC Grayling, Life, Sex and Ideas - The Good Life Without God 

Update:

That lone voice of reason, the Daily Mail today reports with horror that...

The astonishing speed at which traditional family life has collapsed is laid bare today.
Shocking figures reveal that births outside marriage are at their highest level in two centuries and nearly half of children can expect their parents to separate by the time they turn 16.
Nine out of ten couples now live together before – or instead of – tying the knot. Before the Second World War, it was fewer than one in 30.

I am indeed shocked. Its the first good news that I've read in the Mail, ever.


The soundtrack to the unhappy day...

Kunt and the Gang - Fucksticks (Royal Wedding Souvenir Version) - watch more funny videos

Bad Religion: Darwin meets REM on speed

Punk rock gigs in Scotland are rarely held in venues that accommodate more than 200 souls. And while its not unusual to hear political rants between songs (rants in their own right), this is the first time that I've heard a punk band dedicate songs to Charles Darwin and celebrate Scotland's history of producing natural historians, scientists and other philosophers. Then again, this is Bad Religion and their singer is Dr. Greg Graffin, professor in space sciences and palaeontology at UCLA in New York.

The thousand or so science-punks who crowded into Glasgow's ABC venue were treated to a history lesson on their nation's own proud contribution to the enlightenment and modern science. A section of the lyrics in the classic BR song 'No Control' are taken from Edinburgh born geologist James Hutton's work in the 18th Century:

"we find no vestige of a beginning, no prospect of an end." 

As well as this hymn to theories of cyclical deposition on the seabed, Bad Religion raged through a selection of their multi-syllabic and tuneful classics including American Jesus, Recipe for Hate, Los Angeles is Burning and Sorrow. Strangely, there was no Anesthesia though if your career stretches back 30 years and some 15 albums then one or two classics are bound to slip through the net. The gig was also an opportunity to view accomplished punk guitarist Brian Baker on guitar. This ex-Minor Threat member turned down work with REM to join Bad Religion after his previous melodic punk project Dag Nasty came to an end.

Only precious few can garner our prosperity,
It makes us walk with renewed confidence.
We got a place to go when we die,
And the architect resides right here.
...We've got the American Jesus

Graffin meanwhile has started to supplement his cultural output by publishing a number of books. The latest is 'Evolution and Religion' in which he discusses evolution and how it is approached by devotees of superstition.  The book includes interviews with well-kent voices on the subject such as Richard Dawkins. In the shops on 27 September.

"I've fckn scored at Easter Road"

From Glasgow and Bad Religion to the Edinburgh Fringe and its Edge Festival. Myself and the Frau get a wild card entry into the Pearl and the Puppets gig at new venue The Electric Circus. The band features young lass Katie Sutherland from Kirkintilloch whose voice makes the band sound like the Cranberries. Pearl and her band have already supported the debauched Hibs supporter and friend of Princess Di, Elton John - he who once lit up Easter Road Stadium with his vile 'Candle in the Wind'. Back to Pearl though and unfortunately, the fuzzy indie guitars heard on the radio were absent here and the gig seemed like a family gathering with barely 100 present. The leggy and cute singer already seems to have acquired one or two stalker types. Watching at least two bald and middle-aged men mouthing every lyric while transfixed on the giraffe-like Katie and swaying like twee indie-kids was somewhat disturbing. All in all, the girl's got a great voice and is probably destined for great things but everything is just so god-damn nice. Its about as edgy as a Presbyterian sphere. Get a new backing band too - they look like Mormons, high on Colgate. Give me Bad Religion anyday...

Everybody is talking about the girl
who went and killed the delivery man,
but she looks so kind and gentle,
it just doesn't stand to reason,
I saw her right there just the other night
as stately as a slot machine,
but when she looked my way something mad
as hell came over me,

Anesthesia, Mona Lisa, I've got a little gun,
here comes oblivion,
I never loved you, how did you find me?
the cops will never prove complicity now, Anna......
all good children go to heaven!

I remember your face that august night
when we lied about the beautiful time to come
and that crazy old man who came much to late
and caused a chain reaction,
I've been hanging out there for eleven long years
like a church mouse wondering where the cat has gone,
and looking at you now
is driving me to distraction