Aye right. But who popes up now?

The reaction to the Pope's resignation on 'health grounds' will surely be 'aye right' if you're Scottish and cynical. And let's face it with a history that encompasses almost all shades of religious mania from Catholic witch hunts to Presbyterian extremists to Orange Order violence and latterly Islamic jihad against Glasgow airport - we Scots have a right to be cynical of religion.

I don't usually subscribe to wild conspiracy theories but it seems as if the nature of the Catholic Church is to cover-up secrets while maintaining the right to stick it's nose into the lives of others. Especially the sex lives of others. So, accepting the premise that a Pope resigning due to old-age is bullshit - how many Popes have we witnessed who were obviously plugged in until eventually the wires frayed? - what could be the real reasons for the Pope's premature ejacu divestment of his responsibilities?

• The sheer weight of the global Catholic sex-abuse scandal? There seems to be 'a priest a week' being unmasked as a child abuser. With so many cases brushed under the carpet, why stop now?
• The Magdalene Laundries? Shameful as it was, the collusion between the Irish state and the Catholic Church to enslave and abuse women who they deemed as 'unclean' or 'immoral' was confined to one small part of the global Catholic empire. Not a big enough fish.
• Pope Ratzinger's Nazi past? Old news and while the RCC was guilty of complicity with the Nazi regime many individuals did resist Nazi tyranny. And while Ratzinger joined up he was probably too young to have too much of say so stories of his hand on the trigger as Jews,  Slavs, Gypies or homosexuals were sprayed with gun fire are unlikely to surface.
• Financial? Possibly. Maybe some back-scratching with Silvio Berlusconi?

We may never know. But that doesn't stop us speculating on the next old man to wear the silly hat. Some have speculated that a Third World Pope may be in order. Possibly but who's to say that someone from our very own Gr8 Britane could not step into those holy robes?

Let's go fishing...

Racist and homophobic Leigh Griffiths.

Leigh Griffiths - still in his early 20s so no chance of him being too auld anytime soon despite his haggard appearance. He's certainly right-wing enough with a history of racist and homophobic abuse against members of the public. However, even the RCC has sought to distance itself from its Nazi past in recent decades. Bit of a trouble maker though. Fortunately, if the Pope gig falls through Leigh knows that Hibernian FC - the 'holier than thou' club of Scottish fitba - will always give him a home.

Let us prey.

Tony Blair - has converted to Catholicism in recent years, perhaps with one eye on attaining the Vatican throne. Like Leigh Griffiths though, his past is a bit problematic - namely being a war criminal. However, the RCC found it within itself to accommodate Adolf Hitler and Franco as buddies in the past so who knows... Pope Antonio of Sedgefield step forward?

Notorious heterosexual Clarkson.

Jeremy Clarkson - a master of making offensive comments like many senior Catholics. His posh-school upbringing may stand him in good stead but his wide variety of victims could be problematic. Sure he's got problems with women's rights and homosexuality but he also has chips on shoulders regarding the disabled, Mexicans, Indians, Scots, Germans and the Welsh which would leave the Vatican with little wiggle-room in their global contest against Islam and Judaism to covert the gullible.

"In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box." –Seth Meyers

A Jubilee art gallery

Fortunately, Scotland remains a Jubilee-frei zone save for two street parties in parts of Edinburgh that could be described as 'middle-class English ghettos' and where people tend to pronounce words like 'clear' as 'klee-ah'. Add to that, some Orange Order events in Glasgow that have been subsidised by the local, newly vibrant yet still stuck in the past Labour Party  - "we like things just the way they are, thanks" - and that more or less is the sum of things.

On the face of things, its been good year for Tories and Unionists to 'celebrate' their Britishness - not just the Queen's expensive shindig but the whole Team GB facade to give us something else to 'unite around'. There's also been the righteous indignation at Argentina making headway on re-gaining the Malvinas. On the downside, bankrupt Britain's debt continues to grow and the mother of fuckups  parliaments in Lon-done continues to be mired in sleaze and corruption.

So, here's some art, starting above with Gee Voucher's classic 'Sex Pistols' montage for the Crass release Christ - The Album . That surely has be followed up by a re-visit to Laibach's excellent rendition of GSTQ in the form of 'Anglia'.


This comes from Delete:

 

Am not sure of the original source of this but... who would've thunk it? Royal Family links to Nazis and Germans!

 

It also transpired that some awrslicker academics in Glasgow managed to superimpose the Queen's head onto a grain of rice or something of that ilk. The Japanese have done one better than that though. They've produced the world's first Royal Wankmachine. Why waste energy choking yon Bishop of Canterbury when the Queen can give you 'head' so to speak...

 Lastly is this shocking image from Banksy...

Er... sorry. I forgot that in the days of that Queen, Great Britain was a land of huge disparity between rich and poor, ruled by rich Eton-educated white men.

Out of the frying pan into the fire for Scotland's Presbyterians

There's a battle in my garden with weeds. An aggressive specimen introduced from the Middle East has been wreaking havoc. The only good thing is that this specimen will, in time, apparently destroy itself - constantly breaking up into smaller and smaller pieces until there's nothing left but some annoying little nodules that wear orange sashes and become animated at the sound of a flute.

The genus is Abraham. The species is Christianity. The varieties are legion though there are several that fall within the Calvinist category. Sadly, these have taken root in Scottish soil and despite the efforts of various stalwart gardening experts from David Hume to Hugh MacDiarmid and Iain Crichton Smith, this poisonous weed still thrives in some quarters. Even calling in modern day pest-control experts such as Richard Dawkins and Iain Banks hasn't solved the problem.

The Church of Scotland sub-variety has been in turmoil of late. This is the creation that decreed that the Highland Clearances were the work of god. God had, apparently, chosen idle syphilitic landlords to get rid of poor crofters who sinned against the guy in the sky by living unprofitably on land that could instead by occupied by god's chosen sheep. In later years it orchestrated a vitriolic campaign against a Roman variety of this weed whose seeds were brought to Scotland from neighbouring Ireland. In recent times, the Auld Kirk has become more benign and in a fit of enlightenment recently allowed gay men the right to preach the musings and prejudices of Semite tribes. Some local pods rebelled against this and a few seeds have now ejected themselves and joined with their Free Presbyterian variety.

However, the 'Wee Free' variety is also not without its problems. After years of playing 'bad cop' to the Kirk's 'gay cop', It recently gave the godly green light to music in the house of god. This may seem incredible to most normal people who like a tune or two but many in the Free Kirk still contend that music in any form is the work of Satan and will only worship their god with ancient psalms. Each to their own, I guess. I wonder though what the stern and dour seed pods of the Wee Frees will make of a new crop of all-singing, all-dancing happy clappy Church of Scotlanders joining in?

Park on the Isle of Raasay

The Wee Frees are to reason and progress what the Lib Dems are to honesty and principles. Recently, one Wee Free supporter on BBC Radio nan Gaidheal, bemoaned 'the passing of the Sabbath' on the Isle of Lewis after Caledonian MacBrayne decided to run a Sunday service. His logic was that were humans to disregard the Good Lord's commandments regarding work and play on 'his' day then it wouldn't be long before 'thou shall not kill ' went out the window too and murder and mayhem would ensue. As this man's church also believes that we are all sinners anyway, no matter how heterosexual or sabbatarian we are, and that we are all destined for hell, then one has to ask why a Sunday sail on the Minch would make much difference?

One wonders if all these homophobic Calvinists will insist on upholding other parts of "God's word"? Shall their be stonings of tattooed men? Will adulterers be hung from lamposts? Will a dour but godly minister inspect every new born boy to check that his foreskin has been sliced off? Will there be a campaign to stop men conversing or worse, touching, their wives during their 'monthly uncleanliness'? Indeed, I understand that Deuteronomy even frowns upon women who wear 'men's clothes' as it is 'an abomination unto the Lord'.

Or will the 'gentle churches' content themselves with, as Sorley Maclean put it in his poem 'Ban-Ghaidheal', to speak about the lost state of our miserable souls?

Sing if you're glad to be British

Talking of music and homosexuality though... those Village People of Northern Ireland and their followers will take to the streets of Glasgow this weekend. This tiny but very aggressive variety of Abrahamic horticulture usually goes under the name of the 'Orange Order'. They proclaim their opposition to the aforementioned Roman variety due to its love of 'idols' (that means statues, pictures and photographs to me and you). However, their wind-blown meanderings along West of Scotland byways often sees them miss the entrance to their churches and instead end up inside the football stadium of Ibrox. It has also been pointed out that as they march under large banners of King William of Orange that they too are guilty of 'idolatry'. While this pedantry is nothing that a good dose of laxative wouldn't solve, it has also been observed that 'King Billy' was reputed to have 'enjoyed' more homosexual liaisons than all the gay ministers in the Church of Scotland put together.

Funny that. Nothing like religion to give you a good moral compass and consistency of disapproval.

Foulkes celebrates the Gaelic festival of Oidhche Shamhna

Rumours have it that Jambo peer George Foulkes has been seen traipsin the streets of Edinbugger with his auld pal Jack McConnell who in celebration of Oidhche Shamhna/ Halloween has dressed himself up as 'an ex Worst Minister'. Foulkes himself has been chappin doors, claiming to be a 'Socialist Lord', singing 'The Sash' and asking folk if he can have their nuts.

This comes on the same day that the Catholic Church has announced to the world that Halloween is 'Anti-Christian'. Foulkes and New Labour have responded with a press-release issued to them by their new Unionist allies, the Orange Order, in which they claim that the Pope himself is the 'Anti-Christ'. Elsewhere, ordinary people will ignore the nonsense of both the Vatican and Orange Order and celebrate this auld pagan Gaelic festival by having a laugh.

Oidhche Shamhna (Samhain's Eve) marked the end of summer and beginning of winter in the ancient Gaelic calendar. It was thought that at this time, the 'door' between our world and the world of the dead would be opened slightly, allowing for spirits and other creatures to sample the other side. This obviously was in pre-enlightenment days. However, science and reason have still to reach some quarters and i don't just mean the scaremongers, bigots and outright nutters of the Vatican and Orange Order who still peddle an altogether more sinister fantasy. We still have 'mystical Celts' who actually believe in sithichean, troichean, taibhsean, bocain, manaidhean, eich-uisge and other mythological supernatural beings from Gaelic tradition. These mystics and boolshitters are happy to use science in the form of the Internet to propagate their delusion and sales-pitches though funnily enough, few of them actually seem to be 'Celts' in the sense that they speak a Celtic tongue.

One such place is the 'Tir na nOg Holistic Centre' which despite being in Scotland, uses the Irish Gaelic for it's name. It is celebrating 'Samhain' (which simply means November to modern Gaels) with a firewalking session. Well-off mystics who possess more money than sense (and probably an accent that is more Cambridge than Carlabhagh) will have to part with £60 for the privilege though.

As they say... "A ceremonial fire will be lit and carefully tended as the group spends the evening in activities which will strengthen the sense of connection to ancestral lines, bring into focus the hopes and dreams waiting to be realised, and identify and break through fears or blocks standing in the way of those dreams. The evening’s main event, walking on red hot coals, will be a symbolic moment of incredible power - firewalking is a metaphor for all those moments in life when we have a choice..."

Curiously enough, traditional pagan sacrifice and blood-letting seems to have escaped transition into modern 'Celtic' celebrations.

Choice? Well, i certainly don't choose to be fleeced by charlatans whose idea of 'Celtic' is some mystical otherworld which probably never existed. And, if it did exist, there's probably a good reason why our ancestors stopped throwing rowan berries at water-horses - i.e. they eventually realised that such creatures don't fkn exist!

This all reminds me of Sharon MacDonald's excellent, 'Reimagining Culture', an academic study of a real Celtic community in Skye. In it, MacDonald talks of the White Settlers who came to northern Skye expecting to experience a Celtic paradise a la Tir nan Og. Instead, they found to their disgust crofters who drove tractors and shell-suited youths who spoke Gaelic amongst each other and laughed when the Settlers entered the local shop. Worse than that, the Celtic locals were so blinded by modern technology that they refused to share their knowledge of local fairies and keening at wakes.

So, this Oidhche Shamhna, the only spirits I'll be meeting will bear names like Ardbeg, Inchgower and Laphroaig.