Spin your own UKIP candidate generator

Just say you're in an 'anti-establishment' political party. Your leader comes from the same kind of stable as David Cameron or George Osbourne but because he's a blawhard with a sense of humour, the media love him. The fact that he's another rich white man with a dodgy record on expenses and hiring...er migrants to work for him is glossed over.

Behind the jokey everyman  'always in pub with pint in hand' persona is a hive of frenetic hard-right activity. It seems as if every right-wing nutter in the book is in UKIP - from knife-wielding skinheads seig-heiling to the camera to swivel-eyed aristocrats to misogynists to god-bothering homophobes.

Here though is Tocasaid's handy contribution the UKIP phenomenon. Want a controversial right-wing arsehole to pump you up with the oxygen of publicity? Have a spin...

1 - Jeremy Clarkson. Has prejudice of one shade or another filling him like beans. Mexicans, gays, Scots, women, black people... He lives the life of a traditional English, white private school product. Hell, why doesn't the whole world race about in posh cars, roll about guffawing at the less fortunate (or just those who are different) in between slugs of expensive wine? Like UKIP, he plays the 'rebellious' card while being... just another rich, white man who's never known anything but a life of privilege.

2. Pat Robertson. Downside is that he isn't British. But then again, neither is Farage's wife who he employs at the taxpayer's expense in a job that a Brit could do. Neither is Farage's 'builder' pal and star of UKIP's election campaign and author of racist tweets who hails from... Zimbabwe. So far, Scotland has been no-man's land for the crazies of UKIP. This is where Pat comes in. He knows us..."A dark land, overrun by gays". Pat could lubricate the passage for Farage to slide in and sort us out.

"In Scotland, you can't believe how strong the homosexuals are. It's just simply unbelievable," he told his viewers.
Scotland's religious past was no more, he said. "I don't think it exists any more. And what could happen? It could go right back to the darkness very easily."

3. Random Bonehead. UKIP was described to me by a pal as the 'EDL for rich folk'. That about sums it up. But, it seems as if UKIP has been adept at attracting the kind of short/no-haired nutters that used to swim with the BNP. Ein, zwei... reach for that phone!

4. James MacMillan CBE. Conservative, Christian (of the Roman Catholic sub-sect) and controversial. He has compared pro-independence artists to the Blackshirts and doesn't like the Scots Tories having a lesbian leader. This could be a win-win situation for UKIP - a raving right-winger who is still kind of... respectable. By some. He still looks like a pompous auld fart though and accusing others of being Blackshirt may backfire.

5. Whatshername Hopkins. Your typical vacuous south-of-England rent-a-quote, if you like your quotes offensive. Even the Daily Star compared her to a horse. She doesn't like 'gingers', old people in mobility scooters, the working class or Scotland. If you're Farage and you want either another mistress or someone to add an equine a feminine touch to your radge party then Hopkins is your girl. Probably her most infamous tweet was this one:

“Life expectancy in Scotland 07/08 birth is 59.5. Goodness me. That lot will do anything to avoid working until retirement.”

Poorly timed, the controversial pundit posted the message just hours after a police helicopter crashed into a pub in Glasgow, killing nine people and injuring 32 more.

The Independent.

6. Leigh Griffiths. At first glance you may think that the Hibernian fan and Celtic FC striker is a bit thick to involved in politics but I don't see any difference between him and many of UKIP's extremist past, present or former political candidates. He doesn't like homosexuals, east Europeans or Muslims of a Scottish-Asian background. Perfecto para UKIP, no? On the other hand he has probably never heard of Brussels.

Hey it's not perfect but you spins yer wheel and takes yer chances!

Eurovision: go Nigel go!

After his rather embarrassing by-election launch for Aberdeen Donside which happened in, er... Edinburgh, Farage has decided to prove a point to the 'Union-Jack hating Jocks' and to conquer Eurovision for Gwate Bwitain!

His posh voice and rousing oratory were sadly drowned out in Edimbourg by angry Jocks and some English students singing 'bawbag' at him. Cue the 'taxi for Nigel' but unfortunately for Lord Falange, not one but two Edinburgh cabbies took one look at the millionaire charlatan and bolted.

He's back though and he has a band with him.

Monckton - not a swivel-eyed facsist

His aim is to recreate Bucks Fizz's barnstorming Dambuster raid on Eurovision in 1981 that stole the Euro crown from Johnny Foreigner. For this he has recruited one-time ego-rival Robert Kilroy-Silk to woo the ladies. Farage knows that Eurovision thrives on a certain freaky and boundary-pushing unpredictability and so has recruited fellow toff Christopher Monckton - a.k.a. 3rd Viscount Monckton of Brenchley. Monckton is said to be planning a pole-dancing routine he learned in one of Farage's favourite strip-clubs which will be so heavy with homo-eroticism that it will once and for all, end all rumours that UKIP are a fiercely homophobic party. Lastly, Oswald Farage knows the importance of youth and has signed up an edgy EDL football thug to provide a drum-n-bass style interlude and some 'muscle'.

However, the blogosphere has laid into Faradge with customary cynicism. Planet Ivy talks of its oddball members. A Thousand Flowers has the temerity to award Gills Farage with its 'Weekly Wanker Award'. National Collective has stepped in with a history lesson. And finally...

The good old British Broadcasting Corporation - that organ of Ugly Scottish Nationalism since 1707 - has weighed in to put in the boot... 

 

listen to ‘Farage Hangs Up on BBC Radio Scotland’ on Audioboo

Euskadi - colour and culture against the big nations

Having been in the Basque Country for the past few days, I've noticed much in comparison with the situation at home in Scotland from both the Spanish and French 'occupied' territories. As my visit has coincided with the final stages of Euro 2012 and the progress of Spain, the rather lacklustre support for the Spanish 'national' team has been palpable. Walking the streets of Bilbo and Donostia, you could be forgiven for forgetting that the tournament was even taking place.

In Bilbo, flags and banners celebrating the rise in fortunes of the local AC Bilbao - defacto Basque national team - are still everywhere, in shops, in cars and hanging from balconies. While there was cheering from local tabernas upon the Spanish victory, the flags and shirts of Spain have remained nowhere to be seen.

Posters on the walls remind you that 'this isn't Spain, this is Euskal Herria'. Though to be honest the indigenous culture screams at you. In Basque.

Language is and isn't a political issue. In Scotland, it just isn't. Scottish is far too often ignored by Scots and a glaring example of this is the 'Yes' campaign for independence. I'm not arguing for Scottish Gaelic to be 'promoted' by the Yes campaign. I'm arguing that it should be used. Scottish has shared a certain parity with English in as much as it's supported from different parts of the political spectrum. A language is a medium and the Yes campaign needs to harness any and every medium available particularly a language that is the anchor of the nation's culture and iconography.

The Basques on the other hand live their language across all domains within the Basque Autonomous Community - it's not just an adornment or prop for the tourists. The BAC apparently enjoys more power than any other non-nation-state on earth. It has huge industrial value and is wealthy by anyone's reckoning. It's easy to see why the monster of the Spanish state doesn't want to let it go.

In Scotland, I've noticed a new and predictable stooshie over the Scottish Government's plans to signpost all major routes in both English and Scottish. This wouldn't happen in Euskadi though it would seem as if the Basques are bold in most things they do once they are freed from the chains of Spain or France.

Even the new architecture is bold, individual and very much a statement of confidence. The Guggenheim in Bilbo is just one example. Basque nationalists in power at 'devolved' and local level pulled out all the stops to ensure that the city's revitalisation started here. Under centralist rule from Madrid, Bilbo would probably have remained a rusting industrial backwater in a 'region' of Spain. It's not only the Guggenheim though. Another example is the office of the health department in Bilbo newtown with its angular, idiosyncratic and mirrored facade. A behemoth of an old wine warehouse has been turned into a state of the art centre for culture and recreation which incorporates galleries, cinema and a glass bottomed swimming pool. Bilbo even has relatively new tram and metro systems - themselves works of art. Sure, all this costs money but what doesn't?

Which brings me back to language.

Most detractors of Scottish in Scotland are monoglots to whom bilingualism is a mystery. Occasionally though, some will embrace the benefits of bilingualism but insist that additional languages be 'useful' so that the outlay can be seen to be 'prudent'. Linguists  however declare that there is no such thing as a 'useless' language though tinpot bigots argue that only big boys of English, Spanish or Chinese - the Walmarts, IKEAs and McDonalds - of the language world are worth acquiring.

This leads me to ask, 'why Dutch?'. Almost everyone in the Netherlands speaks excellent English. Why then do the Dutch insist on speaking... Dutch?

The Basques, despite being 'fiercly nationalistic' as some might put it, also embrace multi-lingualism and multi-culturalism. I would contend that the territory under Basque control is one of most colourful, welcoming and outward looking areas in Europe. The European Union's advice on language in education is that each member state should teach 'mother tongue plus two'. The Basques insist on 'two mother tongues' plus two.

Hence some 80% of Basque primary children in the majority Basque-medium system are immersed in three languages from age zero and enter secondary school with complete or near fluency in three languages. Once in secondary, they acquire a fourth tongue which could be French, Arabic, Polish or German. Local demographics such as a significant number of immigrants often dictates the lingo learned. It's difficult to imagine white English kids in Bradford learning Urdu or Arabic or native Scottish bairns in Leith picking up Polish or Spanish.

However, the 'big nation' philosophy becomes more apparent once you cross the bridge from Irun into French Basque Hendaia. Here, some progress has been made in displaying the Basque tongue on some public roadsigns though it's obvious that the wrathful and jealous French god in Paris sees too much indulgence in languages other than French as sinful. Here, the use of Basque sadly reminds one of Scottish in Scotland - it is used sparingly but comes across as a 'prop' to paraphrase the linguist Joshua Fishman.

The shortcomings of the insular big nation with its siege mentality are also evident at the local SCNF station where the young lass on the ticket desk was unable to communicate in any other language than French. This despite the Spanish Basque country being only yards from her seat. Our pooled family tongues of Engerlish, Spanish and German fell on stony ground. Even an appeal to the auld alliance by using pigeon French-Gaelic failed.

Back in our Donostia-San Sebastian base, we watch one of the Basque language telly channels - Hamaika - which has an afternoon slot showcasing the varied Basque language music scene. It was pleasing to note many bands of the tuneful punk variety though metal, rock, pop and world music/ ska fusion was also present. Sadly, a similar program on BBC Alba which didn't feature fiddlers, songs written by dead poets, Gaelic choirs or religious music would be ten minutes long. Basque language punk is for another blog though.

The Basque Country, or most of it, is but a bawhair from complete independence. Even without the full complement of powers, it a shining example of the need to vote 'Yes' to Scottish independence in 2014. We could vote 'no' and remain a region with no voice or independent contribution of our own to the world community. We would remain tied to an inward looking and fearful big nation that remains in thrall to banks and big business, however corrupt. Or maybe we could use independence as a springboard for an open, progressive and internationalist nation that embraces our own languages as well as the cultures of others?

An elderly woman on a bus engaged us in conversation. I spoke in mistake-riddled Spanish. She replied that 'we have two idiomas'. 'So do we' said I. 'I know' she continued, 'and we're both at the same place'.

I was a bit puzzled and thought something had gone missing in translation. 'What place?'

'Independence', she replied.

Gora Euskadi. Saor Alba.