Spin your own UKIP candidate generator

Just say you're in an 'anti-establishment' political party. Your leader comes from the same kind of stable as David Cameron or George Osbourne but because he's a blawhard with a sense of humour, the media love him. The fact that he's another rich white man with a dodgy record on expenses and hiring...er migrants to work for him is glossed over.

Behind the jokey everyman  'always in pub with pint in hand' persona is a hive of frenetic hard-right activity. It seems as if every right-wing nutter in the book is in UKIP - from knife-wielding skinheads seig-heiling to the camera to swivel-eyed aristocrats to misogynists to god-bothering homophobes.

Here though is Tocasaid's handy contribution the UKIP phenomenon. Want a controversial right-wing arsehole to pump you up with the oxygen of publicity? Have a spin...

1 - Jeremy Clarkson. Has prejudice of one shade or another filling him like beans. Mexicans, gays, Scots, women, black people... He lives the life of a traditional English, white private school product. Hell, why doesn't the whole world race about in posh cars, roll about guffawing at the less fortunate (or just those who are different) in between slugs of expensive wine? Like UKIP, he plays the 'rebellious' card while being... just another rich, white man who's never known anything but a life of privilege.

2. Pat Robertson. Downside is that he isn't British. But then again, neither is Farage's wife who he employs at the taxpayer's expense in a job that a Brit could do. Neither is Farage's 'builder' pal and star of UKIP's election campaign and author of racist tweets who hails from... Zimbabwe. So far, Scotland has been no-man's land for the crazies of UKIP. This is where Pat comes in. He knows us..."A dark land, overrun by gays". Pat could lubricate the passage for Farage to slide in and sort us out.

"In Scotland, you can't believe how strong the homosexuals are. It's just simply unbelievable," he told his viewers.
Scotland's religious past was no more, he said. "I don't think it exists any more. And what could happen? It could go right back to the darkness very easily."

3. Random Bonehead. UKIP was described to me by a pal as the 'EDL for rich folk'. That about sums it up. But, it seems as if UKIP has been adept at attracting the kind of short/no-haired nutters that used to swim with the BNP. Ein, zwei... reach for that phone!

4. James MacMillan CBE. Conservative, Christian (of the Roman Catholic sub-sect) and controversial. He has compared pro-independence artists to the Blackshirts and doesn't like the Scots Tories having a lesbian leader. This could be a win-win situation for UKIP - a raving right-winger who is still kind of... respectable. By some. He still looks like a pompous auld fart though and accusing others of being Blackshirt may backfire.

5. Whatshername Hopkins. Your typical vacuous south-of-England rent-a-quote, if you like your quotes offensive. Even the Daily Star compared her to a horse. She doesn't like 'gingers', old people in mobility scooters, the working class or Scotland. If you're Farage and you want either another mistress or someone to add an equine a feminine touch to your radge party then Hopkins is your girl. Probably her most infamous tweet was this one:

“Life expectancy in Scotland 07/08 birth is 59.5. Goodness me. That lot will do anything to avoid working until retirement.”

Poorly timed, the controversial pundit posted the message just hours after a police helicopter crashed into a pub in Glasgow, killing nine people and injuring 32 more.

The Independent.

6. Leigh Griffiths. At first glance you may think that the Hibernian fan and Celtic FC striker is a bit thick to involved in politics but I don't see any difference between him and many of UKIP's extremist past, present or former political candidates. He doesn't like homosexuals, east Europeans or Muslims of a Scottish-Asian background. Perfecto para UKIP, no? On the other hand he has probably never heard of Brussels.

Hey it's not perfect but you spins yer wheel and takes yer chances!

The banana selfie we'll never see

When racism rears its head in football, some racists are more equal than others. If you're a first team regular for Glasgow Celtic and a Hibernian fan who's been filmed in a bar mocking another player as a 'fucking refugee' on account of his east European origin then there's some wiggle room.

It's good to see footballing professionals throughout Europe take a stand against racism and in solidarity with Dani Alves. Leigh Griffiths has a track record of racist and homophobic abuse. His clubs, Hibernian and Celtic, should know better. Some excuse him on grounds of his working class origin and alleged low IQ. The same charges could be levelled at much of the BNP or EDL membership and no sane person tolerates them.

Fun at the fitba with Leigh Griffiths and The Rangers!

Scottish football has been all shook up but some things have stayed just the way they always were. Such as... Rangers fans bringing violence and aggression to another city. A Celtic player indulging in dumb but dodgy politics. On the bright side, Raith Rovers have won more games at Easter Road in 2014 than Hibs have and one of them was against a Rangers' side who were marginally less violent than their fans outside.

With Rangers, you know where you are. They don't just have some dodgy fans, they have them in the thousands. At least. As I've mentioned before though, some teams and their fans see themselves as occupying a moral highground when it comes to attitudes to bigotry and racism. Celtic and Hibs are probably the proudest wearers of the golden halos in Scottish football.

Having moronic fans is one thing but having highly-paid professional players indulging in anti-social and racist behaviour is another. Celtic have been here before with Scott Brown's infamous fotie-op with the SDL. Hibs have been there with Derek Riordain and Leigh Griffiths. Now Celtic have Leigh Griffiths on their hands.

What will they do? Both clubs make a lot of their origins as clubs formed by immigrant refugees. To have a major first team player singing anti-refugee songs in a pub with racist fans of another team must surely see his ass exiting the door.

Some Celtic fans such as Glasgow-born Phil MacGiollaBháin make much of the bigotry of others. Is racism only unacceptable when aimed at those who claim Irish descent? MacGiollaBháin condemns Griffiths but only makes a meek demand that Celtic 'take him on about it'. As observed, Griffiths has form on the racist front and seems to find it difficult to keep out of trouble in other areas too.

Sadly, if Celtic do let Griffiths go, it seems as if many Hibs' fans are only too willing to take him on again. Most Hibs fans on the Hibs Net forum condemn his behaviour but seem to happy to take back a prolific goalscorer. This isn't much of a moral highground.

Scottish football has progressed though a significant minority still shit in their own backyard.

In recent years, I've started attending Hearts' games again after a long absence, mainly to support the club that became the local team of my Irish and Catholic great-grandmother and her sons. At first, the cross-community aspect of the Hearts' support was a joy to behold. I can remember the bad old days when significant numbers of fans would shout or sing songs that were offensive in one way or another. But here were fans of all colours presenting a genuine cross-section of the Gorgie Dalry community with many Asian, Eastern European and Chinese Scots. There were also families and more women in attendance than I remember years back.

Unfortunately, at my next derby game I was forced to confront a pair of fat and ageing bigots who repeatedly shouted anti-Irish abuse at the Hibs' players. There's always one or two dickheads who spoil the party. I later heard from a Hibs' fan that one or two of their supporters had shouted 'Paki bastard' at Hearts' Mehdi Taouill - a French Moroccan.

Fighting racism will be a never ending battle. There will always be someone who feels the need to impinge on the freedom of others. What matters is how we deal with it.

Paying a racist ned a small fortune just because he can score goals does not deal with it. If education is the answer then a spell of unemployment will give him the message.

Community control in Scottish football?

Another August and another interesting, if turbulent new season for Scottish football has kicked off. Last year saw The Rangers, aka Sevco, take their place in the fourth tier of Scottish clubs. The club having been re-animated, Pet Sematary style, from the club formerly known as Glasgow Rangers. They're knee deep in shit, again, with some of their ane directors predicting another bout of administration while an early exit from the League Cup at the hands of Forfar has added to the ever-simmering fury or their fans.

This year also sees Scotland's third biggest club, in recent times at least, in administration and with a minus 15 point start to the league. Liquidation is a possibility though fan ownership will probably win the day. If it does and a CVA is agreed with creditors, it will leave Hearts in a much better place than they've been in for some time. They might be in the 1st Division but with no debt, a sensible signing/ spending policy and increased participation and ownership from the fans, a more stable and eventually successful future beckons.

Other clubs may follow suit. In Edinburgh, Hibs' fans have understandably revelled in the plight of Hearts. Is Hibernian FC though in a better place? Owned by an aging millionaire with no love of football, Hibs themselves are in debt - somewhere between £6 and 9million depending on what you read - and made a loss of £1m last year. Years of bottom six finishes in the SPL combined with woeful and embarrassing performances in important games have seen the enlarged Easter Road awash with empty seats at most home games. Kilmarnock and Aberdeen are also labouring on under heavy debt.

Community ownership of Scottish land is growing. The crofters' buy out in Asainte was deemed unlikely or unworkable before the event but it happened nevertheless and some 17 similar community purchases have happened since then. Crofting estates, islands and other tracts of Scottish land have too long been bought and sold at a whim. Rich owners with little or no clue about local culture or traditions have seen them merely as another toy or status symbol. Are football clubs any different?

Is it too much to expect for government - national or local  - to support of our football clubs or other significant sporting institutions? Scottish football enjoys larger crowds, per head of population, than any other nation in Europe attending games. Local government surely has a vested interest in both the success and survival of their clubs. The benefits to the local economies are significant and the good publicity from even an extended cup run adds to it. When clubs work with local schools the benefits for education, health and crime prevention increase the value further.

Needless to say perhaps that this is also an issue of independence and self-determination. On the political front, a 'yes' vote will bring independence to our government. Community ownership and participation brings it to our neighbourhoods and communities.

Local people also have a duty to support their local club. It's a sickener to go to places such as Greenock, Kilmarnock, Paisley, Falkirk, Stirling, Perth or even Inverness and see busloads of glory-hunters heading for Celtic Park or Ibrox. For all the Celtic fans' talk of being 'rebels', the truth is they are the 'establishment' in Scottish football. Celtic are the McDonalds to Rangers' Walmart.

Hearts may not escape relegation this year but if community ownership is achieved and a young, mostly Scottish, squad built up then the future will be a  bright one. I also hope that the locals in Stirling and Dunfermline can turn out in numbers to support their own community-owned clubs.

The Foundation of Hearts

Pars Supporters Trust 

Stirling Albion Supporters Trust

Hearts and Hibs - those celeb supporters!

Its the most interesting Scottish Cup Final for a long time. The media are having a field day. To be honest its refreshing to have something different to Rangers' financial corruption and impending meltdown and Neil Lennon's incessant whinging.

Some attention has been paid to Hearts and Hibs' respective 'celebrity' supporters. Tocasaid would like to join in albeit from a different angle. Which celebs are most punk? The reasoning for this lies in the claim by millionaire stadium-rock guru (!!!) Bruce Findlay in the recent 'We Are Hibernian' book that Hearts' fans are 'establishment figures' and Hibs' fans are naturally 'anti-establishment'. Are all Hearts' fans - including myself - sinister right-wing Masonic types and all Hibs' fans cool boho types who strictly adhere to the laws of political correctness?

Let's find out...

Irvine Welsh
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: writer of Trainspotting and other classics, filthy and funny prose
Punk points: 9/10

Ken Stott
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: actor of the 'gritty and Scottish' mold, Rebus
Punk points:  6

The Proclaimers
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: penned the classic 'Letter to America', some other good ones and a lot of pseudo-country crap
Punk points:  5

'Thatcher you c...'

Wattie Buchan
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: lead singer of 80's street punk heroes the Exploited, lyrically 'uncomplicated' but he hates Thatcher and has led an extreme rock 'n roll lifestyle for decades now.
Punk points: 10

John Leslie
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: ex Blue Peter presenter and alleged sex-pest turned property developer
Punk points: 1

Mark E Smith

'A Lagavulin please'

Team: Hearts
Notoriety: founder of legendary Manchester post-punk indie rockers and heroes of the student union, the Fall, a working-class member of the SWP, whisky aficionado
Punk points: 9

Dougray Scott
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: actor of the dark and brooding type
Punk points: 5

Alex Salmond
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: well... he's the man with the plan for our nation - hope it works out
Punk points: 7 (on account of his unsettling of the London establishment and Eton old boys' network)

Eric Milligan
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: ex-Labour Provost of Edinburgh, debauched and enthusiastic arse licker
Punk points: 0

John Gibson
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: bigoted Evening News columnist of the right-wing shock-jock type, Tory bastard, hates Gaelic speakers
Punk points: -10

Ronnie Corbett
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: comedian of some renown, rumoured to be a Tory
Punk points: 1

Fish, 'these colours run'

Fish/ Derick Dick
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: somewhat pompous ex-singer of prog-rockers Marillion, supports Scottish independence
Punk points: 4

Alan G
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: guitarist of Edinburgh street punks, the Happy Spastics, Lochend anarchist and anti-fascist
Punk points: 9

Andy Murray
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: tennis player, known to 'bottle it' when on the verge of something great, likable guy otherwise
Punk points: 5

Chris Hoy
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: multi-gold medal winner at cycling, went to posh school though
Punk points: 4

Stephen Hendry
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: one of the best ever in the 'exciting' sport of snooker, quiet man, went to Dalkeith High School
Punk points: 5

He's a knight.

Sir Elton John
Team: Hibs
Notoriety: was given a Hibs' top after his 'storming' Easter Road gig a few years back. Seems like Hibs are his 'candle in the wind' of Scottish fitba.
Punk points: -1

Stone
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: Spanish singer of Berlin based rock band Frogcircus, lived in Gorgie Road
Punk points: 3

Frightened Rabbit
Team: Hearts
Notoriety: kind of cool and hirsute indie rockers from the Borders, take their music to all corners of Scotland
Punk points: 6

The science would seem to suggest that Hearts' take the prize. That leaves the Hibs' celebs to enjoy their runners up Simple Minds box-set.

We are Hibernian

 

Poor Hibs need the support. Calderwood just ain't doing it and attendances have fallen to around 8K. However my loyalties and long gone family lie in the west of the city with a club not short of its own problems. The empty seats at Easter Road won't see my arse for a while. Despite being an armchair supporter of Hearts, my tribalistic quotient is pretty low and I'm a firm believer that fitba fans should follow their local team. Any glory hunter in Edinburgh, Kilmarnock, Ayr, Stirling, Inverness, Fife or Perth can easily get on a train with a one-way ticket to revel in the 'glory' and imagined cultures of the Old Firm in Glasgow. It doesn't make you part of the glory though.

Hibs too are a Scottish club with Irish roots like Dundee Utd and the now defunct Dumbarton Harp. However, unlike Celtic FC, Hibernian who pre-date Celtic by a few years, are a Scottish club who celebrate and remember their roots without letting it fester into a peculiar anti-Scottish racism.

We are Hibernian looks at the experiences and memories of a wide variety of Hibs' supporters, including one or two well kent faces from the worlds of of music, art and literature. Ask Santa for it.

http://www.luath.co.uk/we-are-hibernian-the-fans-story.html

Are we no in the book?