How to dismantle Ukip in one easy step....

Actually, I'd probably take advantage of their Freepost address just to make them pay for the privilege of being humiliated.

Read on...

Read this email exchange in which a local resident takes apart UKIP

Those RUK flag options

As the possibility of life's destruction draws near, for those on the London Gravy Train at least, the Brit Nats are spiralling into a descent of Titanic proportions. First of all, the ridiculous talking anus that is Fraser Nelson - he who makes Malcom Rifkind sound like Begbie - admits in the Telegraph that the 'broon eyes' in Downing Street are 'knittin socks' at the prospect of a 'yes' vote for Scottish independence next year.

Then, LibDem 'big beast' Alastair Carmichael morphs into 'Carcrash Carmichael' as he splutters a response to the SNP's White Paper on a future independent Scotland. A scapegoat is found in the form of 'comatose' Alistair 'Black Dwarf' Darling, he of the silver hair, swarthy eyebrows and sorry record of taking Bankrupt Britain's economy to new depths. Equally, within the Labour camp, there is much frothing about standing together with the toxic Tories in the Bitter Together campaign. Fancy that... the Unionists seem to be falling apart!

Do not disturb.

On top of this, a bitter cherry was placed to finish off the cake. Just what would the RUK - Rest of the UK, that is - flag look like without the Scotch input?

Tocasaid has garnered some ideas from a variety of graphic-expert whizz kids and here, they will be thrown into the mix. A whisky soaked tongue may be stuck firmly in the cheek but are they really any more ludicrous than this garish gallery of grimness from the BBC?

The titular example above not only alludes to the UK's eye-watering debt, its lap-dog relationship with the US but has added LibDem yellow to the great flag as to pay tribute to the Lib Dem's selfless determination and true Brit Grit to prop up any minority government it can be it Labour or Toxic Tory.

Grey Britain

On a similar theme, we have a modern grey and brown construction. A camera reminds us that we are being watched more than ever, for our own safety. The grey represents the grim reality of a drab life in boom and bust Britain. The brown... is left to your own imagination.

The British Rising Sin

But hey! Chin up Rupert! There's always a cheery sun to lift our spirits. This one is dominated by a soft pink to project the caring face of Britain. The image of Princess Di was chosen by a narrow margin over that of John 'G4S' Reid to shine down upon the adoring British subjects. Her spirit above will surely guide the good ship RUK safely away from Scotchland's rocky shores. The title though is an apt warning that even the saintly can find themselves going astray and refers to the People's Princess' unwise dalliance with an Arab playboy shortly before her death at the hands of the evil Duke of Edinbane.

RUK plc

The last offering comes from those bright-sparks at the Tax Payers' Alliance who suggested the novel idea of having sponsorship on the national teatowel. This shows that RUK plc will be back in business, oil money or not! It is thought that Amazon and Starbucks have offered slightly more for their advertising than they paid in tax over the last five years.

?

The last one is for real and perhaps the scariest thing to come out of Project Fear's anti-independence arsenal so far.

Syria - who used the gas?

A brutal dictator that 'we' don't like anymore. The guy kills 'his' own people. He has a stockpile of horrid weapons - the kind of stuff that doesn't respect man-made borders. And, if that's true, it's means our pals over there - Israel - are threatened. Reason enough then to send in Bruce Willis to sort out those damn A-rabs...

Deja vu? How about Saddam? Bush and Blair meet up at their men's club to thrash out a propaganda job that claims Saddam's bombs could - will! - reach Londum in 45 minutes.

What do we know? Assad is a dictator who has oppressed his own people. Sure. And 'we' stood by and watched this happen. Sure... but we also stand by and watch David Cameron's pals in Bahrain and Saudi Arabia do much the same. We've stood by and watched China do the same for decades. China though is big enough, not only to bankroll the ailing US economy, but to kick our ass if we question their attitudes to democracy, free-speech, respect of international boundaries and human rights.

Incredible but true, a poor man's Bruce Willis

What else do we know? Apparently - the UN are or were satisfied at least - the Syrian rebels who William Hague wants to finance not only possess chemical weapons but have used them. We also know that the rebels' cause is going pear-shaped, Hibs-style. Assad knows that while 'us' in the 'West' may have hitherto stood by while Syrians slaughtered each other - any really heavy misdemeanour on his part could see the Yanks, the ConDem Brits and the newly bloodthirsty French come in to relieve him of his power and wealth with his likely execution filmed for the YouTube generation - a la Saddam and Gaddafi - to gawk at.

We also know that US and Brutish intervention in the middle-east does not usually end well. Afghanistan is hardly the land o the leal. Iraq has yet to see many of its wonders rated on TripAdvisor by bright-eyed backpackers from leafy Western suburbs. Libya lags someway behind Norway on the democracy, freedom and happiness fronts. Would Barrack 'Death by Drone' Obama be any better?

The answer? I don't have one... though if pressed, I'd go for dialogue over a foreign adventure that will only push the body count higher. It is good though to see some, such as the New York Times and Democracy Now explore the facts and ask questions of both sides while reminding us that the propaganda war is being played by both sides.

Channel 4 - Syria: the rebels battling for Assad's chemical weapons

NY Times - Images of Death in Syria, but No Proof of Chemical Attack

No taxi for Nigel

Sometimes, living in Edinburgh, you kind of get used to living in the glow of history. Famous residents from Hume to Donnchadh Bàn. Superb architecture. A history of multiculturalism stretching back 2000 years and more - of Picts, Britons, Gaels, Angles, French, Italians, Flemish, Poles and many more.

And then... one of the most odious  - 'charismatic' to the right-wing English press - figures to have slithered into the garden of English politics for many a long year, dares to come north.

A new pride is born, as this total cnt and charlatan, is sent packing by an angry crowd.

Farage was first forced out of the Canon's Gait pub on the Royal Mile after the landlord took fright as the demonstrators disrupted his casual press conference with shouts of "racist", "scum" and "homophobe". Out on the street, as the fingers pointed and taunts escalated, he was rejected by one taxi and turfed out of a second.

Then, finally, the harassed and ill-prepared handful of officers were forced to push him back into the Canon's Gait, slamming its front doors shut, as the demonstrators chanted: "Nigel, you're a bawbag, Nigel you're a bawbag, na, na, na, hey!" with gusto.

"Grrrr, I'm a pirate Nigel"

He's a millionaire businessmen, no doubt with financial interests across the globe. But he's anti-immigration.

Immigrants shouldn't 'take' our jobs but neither should they have benefits.

He's pro-strip-club but anti-gay. Hell, even the Tories for the most part have got over their anti-gay chip on their shoulder.

He wants 'independence' for the UK/England but thinks that Scotland's rather tame devolved parliament should be disbanded.

He's the dahling boy of the Daily Mail, who they hope will reach places that Mosely didn't.

And like so many before him, he's man with the posh accent who pulls the strings that make the bootboys dance. Worse, he pulls the heartstrings of misty-eyed Little Englanders who hanker for a past that never was.

Send him home to think again.

UKIP councillors reaching for their phones.

Let's start a war: ten years on

Hard to believe that it's ten years since 100 000 took to the streets in Glasgow to protest, outside London Labour's conference, at Tony Blair's plans to invade Iraq with his right-wing Christian buddy, George W Bush. Labour tried at first to thwart plans for the demonstration and, when that failed, made sure that precious Tony was nowhere near events.

I never actually made it. I was part of some 2000 protesters left stranded on Edinburgh Waverley's concourse as trains from the capital to Glasgow mysteriously didn't materialise. Point made anyway, I guess.

Around a million marched in London Labour's spiritual home to voice their opposition to Labour's plans for an illegal war. Millions more marched in other European capitals.

Ten years later and we know all about the lies and propaganda. This time though, the propaganda is being aimed at Scotland's efforts to gain independence. Devolution proved no barrier to Scotland and her armed-forces being involved in another illegal war. More bizarrely, it seems many in the so-called 'Labour movement' and most in the so-called 'Labour Party' still want to wrap themselves in the Union Jack and hanker for Britain to rule the waives and retain her status as a 'major' world power.

Funny how the lines between Labour, Tory, UKIP, Ulster Unionists and the BNP become even more blurred when it comes to Britain's place in the world and more pertinently, her role as apprentice world-polisman - the US calls the shots as always. Previous objections to and principled stances against imperialism, xenophobia and warmongering are conveniently forgotten. The nation comes first, right or wrong - though it's 'wrong' to be 'nationalist' if you favour Scotland taking her place alongside other small nations who harbour little or no imperialist ambitions.

Fighting poverty, either home or abroad, comes somewhere down the list of priorities.

Tony Blair's reputation as a war criminal is one that should follow him, and Labour, wherever they go to seek votes. That goes for Labour in their own right or as a part of the Better Together anti-independence front with right-wing British Nationalists.

It's also ten years since Gay Bar. Enjoy.

Spot the hooligan

 

In the current angst ridden climate of soul-searching and moral debate, Tocasaid feels obliged to chuck in its six cents worth. One of these men is a danger to society. To help you guess, some here's some clues:

• One grew up on an estate where he didn't have to work and had everything provided for him.
• One man has admitted to causing criminal damage to a posh restaurant as a member of school gang.
• One has a close work colleague and 'friend' who is a convicted arsonist.
• One has a friend, known as 'Boris', who has also been involved in vandalism whilst in a school gang. Apparently, he now 'runs London'.
• One is the leader of a large 'crew' who are currently engaged in killing and mass destruction in a north African country.
• One has a close friend and 'soul mate' who has been convicted of being a peeping-tom and of invading others' privacy.
• One is 'top dog' in a gang of swindlers who have defrauded the tax payer - that's YOU - of millions of pounds in order to give themselves a decadent life of luxury. And duckhouses for their ponds.

Having worked out the correct answer, the next question is 'what do we do with this scumbag?'. Answers on the back of a Job Seeker's Allowance Form please.

Those leadership canditates for the Unionist parties.

Its high time for those Unionists to live up to their ideals and unite. Having a 'Scottish' leader who takes his/ her orders from London is not enough. Why don't they actually... unite? Furthermore, surely it's time that they have a leader that embodies their right-of-centre orientation.

Here goes then...

Oswald Mosely. Surely a man to whom the words 'British' and 'Union' have become synonymous? His vision and discipline are just what is lacking in the current sad crop of Unionist duds in Scotland. There is the small matter of him being dead of course. However, we understand that Glasgow's very own Psychic Barber is willing to mediate with a ouija  board. Initially it was thought that he'd be a natural for the Tory wing of the Unionist alliance. However, his penchant for moustaches, uniforms and large numbers of marching men appears to sit uneasily with the more conservative family value types.

The Reverend Doctor Ian Paisley. If you want a man to say 'never, never, never' to an independent Scotland whilst also saving this auld nation from sodomy, then Ian's your man. However, he's also getting on a bit and is a bit close to Mosely, both in political persuasion and mortality. Like Mosely, he likes marching, often wearing a bright orange and purple 'sash' and proclaming the memory of King William of Orange - the Dutch religious tyrant and notorious homosexual whose orders saw the MacIains of Glencoe massacred in their beds. He may be too left wing for Labour though.

The Reverend Ewen Aitken. Last but not least.  This is the renowned Edinburgh Cooncillor and former leader who unsuccessfully challenged Kenny MacAskill at this year's Scottish elections. Aitken is famous for being a 'conductor on God's tramline' as well as for being an enthusiastic supporter of Edinburgh's own disastrous tram project. Aitken, with God on his side, may be a formidable leader of the Scottish Unionist alliance though others think that there's 'something of the night' about him. There may also be a few skeletons lurking in his vestry such as his 'promotion of porn' stooshie a few years back.

Great Great Britain seizes the moral high ground over Libya

Great Britain with its thousand years of democracy finds itself once again perfectly placed to be the world's polisman. Of course, Uncle Sam has to give the nod first. Let us explain why Great Britain has the moral authority to rid the world of all bad people like the very very bad Colonel Gaddafi. Gaddafi thinks that he can oppress his own people AND do business with us. Who does he think he is? China? Saudi Arabia?

For a start, Britain would never clear its own people of the land, especially for reasons of profit or ethnic hatred.

The Clearances in Uist, 1895

Nor would Great Britain shoot its own people while they demonstrated for basic human rights.

Bloody Sunday, 1973

Even dirty hippies living on the edge of society would not be subject to violence at the hands of the British state.

'The Battle of the Beanfield' 1985

Though dirty striking miners with left-wing tendencies did occasionally provoke the police into suppressing their dissent by any means necessary as they were called upon to do at the so-called 'Battle of Orgreave'.

Orgreave, 1984

Our parliament is lead by honest and accountable politicians. This duckhouse is the symbol of the probity of the 'Mother of Parliaments'.

A necessary expense for London MPs

And our leaders would never join forces with religiously motivated extremists to wage an illegal war on a third world country.

Repeat, would not enjoy a 'special relationship' with a country that covertly financed terrorist groups such as the Contras in Nicaragua.

CIA manual - part of US 'covert' warfare against Sandinista Nicaragua

Were atrocities against innocent civilians ever to have occurred then that of course is a matter of great regret. Rest assured though that no breaches of international human rights law take place today.

Guantanamo Bay, still home to 172 'detainees'

Britain is so assured of its morality that it would take swift and effective action against any nation guilty of human rights abuses. Be it China...

Bodies of student protesters, Tianamen Square, China, 1989

 Or in democratic and capitalist-friendly Russia...

Massacre of Chechen 'rebels', 2000

We are also confident that Great Britain's friendship with nice Saudi Arabia is having a positive effect on human rights there. Particularly in its attitude to women.

'Be thankful you're not getting stoned'.

Lastly, Great Britain would never tolerate the maintenance of a dynasty of unelected persons living at the tax payers' expense.

Er...

Gone are the days when our government was run by a privileged clique of white Eton-educated rich men.

Cool Britannia was never... so cool.

Please remember all of this if you read of claims that Great Britain is wasting £billions on another foreign war while the economy withers and thousands lose their jobs. Please remember to stand in respectful silence when the coffins come home. Our boys die for you.

More fodder for Britain's foreign wars

Hey, there's a recession on. Factories, companies and shops are closing and shedding jobs faster than an ascendant Nu-Labour minister can shed dodgy facial hair (think Peter Mandelson, Alastair Darling and possibly Claire Short). So, according to the laws of Fool Britannia and her history of perma-war, go and boost the numbers of squaddies. Hence, we see 1000 new members of Her Majesty's Taleban Bait take her schilling. Many of them, by their own admission, have few if any qualifications and little hope of another job in their ane wee pairt of Scotland.

So, who holds the moral high ground here? And do any of us really believe that when some of these men die that it will make Scotland a better place?


In recent days, we've seen much discussion about council and government budgets. The Hootsmon/ Scottish Daily Mail has trumpeted about 'reasonable' opposition to expenditure on Gaelic, as if Gaelic script costs more than English. Glasgow has threatened to close libraries and swimming pools. And no financial support is forthcoming for traditional and threatened distilleries such as Tamdhu or the Johnnie Walker base in Kilmarnock.

War, though, is always a good investment. So, does Gordon Brown's 'moral compass' dictate that on top of bankrupt Britain's £multi-billion deficit in financial terms, we can add a cost of blood?