BBC London - what abuse scandal?

Some say that aspirations for Scottish independence are insular. Ditto the demands for a 'Scottish Six' national news service. However, one look at British television, especially in the company of someone from abroad, and the Anglo, London-centric nature of it stabs you in the eyes.

When Hearts met Hibs in the Scottish Cup semi-final in 2006, the novelty of an Edinburgh derby in a major game was deemed to be of some importance in Londum. The guy in the studio turned to the video link and announced that 'our reporter is at Hampden Park in Glasgow...er or is it Edinburgh...no, Glasgow...'.

The general modus-operandi of the BBC and other channels based in London when assessing the value of a story seems to be one of:

1. London
2. The rest of England
3. The US
4. Anywhere else, if the body count is high enough

The latest child-abuse scandal and subsequent cover-up involving the Roman Catholic Church is one such example. BBC Scotland, to their credit, uncovered another saga of sickening child abuse at the former Fort Augustus Abbey School. As one of the offenders was allowed to flee Fort Augustus and to carry on his activities in his native Australia, the story has an international dimension. A dimension that failed to make it dahn sath though.

On a day when BBC Scotland's various media outlets were dominated by the story, the 'British' output from London neglected to mention it. We did learn though about increasing numbers of jelly fish on the west coast and of a project in Cornwall that teaches kids to swim in the sea.

As long as 'national news' continues to mean 'Britain' meaning 'England' meaning 'London' we'll be treated to 'news' that doesn't concern us - Scottish devolution, indeed the ins and outs of the Act of Union, has yet to seep into the London consciousness.

Eurovision: go Nigel go!

After his rather embarrassing by-election launch for Aberdeen Donside which happened in, er... Edinburgh, Farage has decided to prove a point to the 'Union-Jack hating Jocks' and to conquer Eurovision for Gwate Bwitain!

His posh voice and rousing oratory were sadly drowned out in Edimbourg by angry Jocks and some English students singing 'bawbag' at him. Cue the 'taxi for Nigel' but unfortunately for Lord Falange, not one but two Edinburgh cabbies took one look at the millionaire charlatan and bolted.

He's back though and he has a band with him.

Monckton - not a swivel-eyed facsist

His aim is to recreate Bucks Fizz's barnstorming Dambuster raid on Eurovision in 1981 that stole the Euro crown from Johnny Foreigner. For this he has recruited one-time ego-rival Robert Kilroy-Silk to woo the ladies. Farage knows that Eurovision thrives on a certain freaky and boundary-pushing unpredictability and so has recruited fellow toff Christopher Monckton - a.k.a. 3rd Viscount Monckton of Brenchley. Monckton is said to be planning a pole-dancing routine he learned in one of Farage's favourite strip-clubs which will be so heavy with homo-eroticism that it will once and for all, end all rumours that UKIP are a fiercely homophobic party. Lastly, Oswald Farage knows the importance of youth and has signed up an edgy EDL football thug to provide a drum-n-bass style interlude and some 'muscle'.

However, the blogosphere has laid into Faradge with customary cynicism. Planet Ivy talks of its oddball members. A Thousand Flowers has the temerity to award Gills Farage with its 'Weekly Wanker Award'. National Collective has stepped in with a history lesson. And finally...

The good old British Broadcasting Corporation - that organ of Ugly Scottish Nationalism since 1707 - has weighed in to put in the boot... 

 

listen to ‘Farage Hangs Up on BBC Radio Scotland’ on Audioboo

Tsunami of ignorance

"These people speak Japanese." 

Amazing but true... London BBC plumbs new depths in insularity in their coverage of the impending nuclear crisis in tsunami-hit Japan. While helicopters hover over the stricken countryside, our well-spoken English correspondent tells us that one of the main problems in gaining information from the local populace is that they are... Japanese speaking. And thus, the navel-gazers of Englandshire are rocked by a quake of higher magnitude that than which hit Japan - these people actually exist without the English language!

While David Attenborough extols the wonders of Madagascar's flora and fauna it seems as if the BBC has sent Germano-Hellenic Prince Philip to marvel at the plight of those yellow and slanty eyed foreigners. 

Phil the Greek, "Come ahead all you slitty-eyed Jock jigaboos and wops"

And then, the Beeb's helicopter returned to more urban areas where islands of Engerlish are often to be found. As people stuck on top of buildings and bridges signalled their need for rescue, the camera crews of the British Broadcasting Corporation had another priority - film first, rescue later, all the while hoping that it doesn't overshadow news of the royal wedding. But while we Brits were reassured that we are too clever to learn others' languages we at least were able to identify language as one of the cultural markers which differentiates Japan from Engerland. 

Meanwhile, back in yon green and pleasant land, a nation of Daily Mail readers awaited their next visual feast amid dire warnings that a Scottish media service would be... 'narrow and insular'.

The Nazi, the Scotsman, Gaelic and Rasta Mouse

What a melange! And only the English language could have such a groovy word as 'melange'. I bet those French are still trying to get their tongues are 'entrepreneur'. Whatever, it seems as if tongues have been winding people up big time.

The Gaelic tongue has wound up the usual bigots - a small but vociferous minority who think that Gaels don't pay taxes and that money spent on Gaelic could be better spent on Trident missiles and an Anglo-German wedding due to take place in April. They also believe that the multitude of Gaelic placenames in Edinburgh and the Lowlands in general means that... Gaelic was never spoken there. Apart from having unreason on their side and George W Bush in charge of history lessons, the anti-Gaelic brigade have enlisted the help of Third Reich apologists. I guess this must tie in with the Royal Wedding somewhere...

Marilyne Maclaren - "Speak English or die"

 Last week, the stooshie surrounding Edinburgh's Lib Dem education chief and anti-Gaelic bigot Marilyne 'Butterball' Maclaren prompted a flurry of... er one letter to the local organ of truth, the Edinburgh Evil News. This letter came from none other than Alistair MacConnachie or in the original and ironic Gaelic Alastair MacDhonnachaidh. He railed against the fact that Gaelic speakers were indeed bilingual and therefore should ALL use English whether they like it or not. To quote:

Rather, it is a deliberate political project intended to promote a particular concept of Scottishness.

This is done in order to revise our history as if to suggest that such Gaelic represents some kind of "authentic" Scottishness which has hitherto been "repressed" by the English speakers, and to make uncomfortable those Scots and other British who do not identify, or who are unsympathetic, with this element of our history.

In short, every time we see a bilingual sign it is a little bit of ethnic cleansing propaganda from the SNP administration telling us: "If you don't like this, then xxxx off to England."

We've been here before, several hundred years ago.

The Hasselhoff of UKIP

But who is this anti-Gael who bears a Gaelic name? You could maybe forgive his ignorance as it turns out that MacConnachie was born in Hong Kong. No Asian he though. This is the man who hit the headlines a few years ago as the Scottish organiser of UKIP who denied the holocaust. UKIP stood by their man though until MacConnachie left - after it seems that UKIP discovered his attempts to play the lead part in the Hong Kong version of Knight Rider - to set up a one-man show known as Sovereignty. He uses this to campaign under the pretence of being 'independently Green'. Despite this, postings to blogs reveal that he still harbours a hatred of the Jews and reckons that... well let's give this basket case the free-speech he wants:

Is sucking up to Jews a requirement to get into heaven these days? Strange...never used to be!

If you were Jewish, I would understand your attitude, but since I presume you are a "Christian", then I advise you to pray deeply and ask your Maker just whom Jesus would bomb.

The Scotsman and its sister rags regularly prints letters from this neo-Nazi bampot. Further proof of the Scotsman's decline since... since the days the Highlanders called it 'the Daily Liar' due to its support of the Clearances. Now, who said the enemy was English?

But, the weakened defences of the endangered English language are not only being besieged by Gaelic speakers demanding services in return for their tax money - imagine that?! - but by a cartoon mouse who speaks in Jamaican English. Rastamouse has raised the ire of English people who can't decide if this mouse who speaks like a bleckmin will sully their children's education or will upset the blecks themselves. Here's the BBC's response. Here's another message to rearrange: life/ a/ get.

More bad news though for the Invisible Knights of the British Empire in their struggle to defend the Queen's English against Celts and cartoon Rastafarian mice. Tocasaid can reveal that from next year the new presenters of Blue Peter will be... 

Buju Banton, Donaidh Dotaman and Katie Price.

In the playground with the pygmies

Imagine a windswept and rugged landscape. One with mountains, islands and fjord-like incisions into the land where historically travel by boat was the only real mode of transport. A land that has suffered famine and clearance. Where the natives have been used as cannon fodder by another nation in her wars. Strict and tribalistic religion has shaped society. An ancient language is still spoken despite colonial efforts to beat it out of the natives. Many people still live off the fruits of land and sea - seaweed, shellfish and strange delicacies involving sheeps' stomachs.

Imagine that the year is 2010.

This land is now a plaything for English toffs. With the purchasing power of the colonial British Broadcasting Corporation behind them and a truck load of cameras, the shy and reticent natives are cajoled into 'cooperating' with these dashing toff adventurers. For, an adventure it is.

The white beaches. "I say, this could be Goa".

The mountains. "I remember when i was in Nepal..."

The wild Atlantic. "Back in the school dorms, we would play at being Captain Pugwash."

The natives. "Ever so friendly, they gave me two pigs, 3 turkeys and a traditional Hebridean llama for my new croft."

The language. "Isn't the Gay-lick so beautiful. It sounds like mangled Swahili spoken backward. Fortunately, my grandfatha's generation beat the natives soundly until they learned English. Its great for the economy you know."

The music. "It's called a Kay-lee. Tribal and rhythmic music that almost spirits one away from the raging storm outside and back to the mudflats, from where a primitive lifeform is emerging from the sea..."

And before long, the natives are filmed helping the dashing white adventurer erect wooden poles so that other travellers find that their steps fall easier in this rough terrain. Beads and trinkets are traded for oil and whisky revenue so there is satisfaction all round. And before long, the brave Field Marshal Montgomery Halls and Rear Admiral Benjamin Fogle retire to their native England to write their memoirs.

Cameron's Blackshirt press gets nasty

London's ugly sisters of Tory and Labour have found a new kid on block to pick on. His name is Clegg and he's upset the apple cart by upstaging Gordon of the Immoral Compass and Dave, the Eton Hoodie at the English-only inter-school debate last week. I say 'English-only' as the door was barred to the troublesome Celts of the SNP and Plaid Cymru.

So much for BBC impartiality. However, since the shine was taken off David Cameron's portly upper class coupon by Clegg, Tory Central Office has sent in the nasty squad. Hence we see a flurry of ludicrous scare stories that purport to 'unmask' the real Nick Clegg. The worst of the bunch was the rabid Daily Mail who tried to link Clegg with Nazis due to an article that was published 8 years ago calling for less parochial Brit Nat navel-gazing on the part of the Brits. The lovers of dark attire at the Daily Mail obviously saw no irony in linking Clegg with fascism. Perhaps Clegg isn't right wing enough for those lovers of Oswald Mosley?

Joining in the witch-hunt was the porn baron's moral mouthpiece, the Daily Express. Not surprisingly, MySpace Murdoch joined in by publishing other smear stories in his rags.

I reckon that this will backfire on the Tories. Surely, even Daily Mail readers are not stupid enough to swallow this shit? However, it goes to show the dangers that would come with having a London government run by the old Etonians. These would include:

• more cuts in public services
• tax cuts for the Tories millionaire friends
• Scotland, which has always enjoyed good relations with our European neighbours, being lumped together with Tory England's rabid anti-Europe agenda. Hell, even European conservatives are too left-wing for Cameron. Do we really want be represented in the EU parliament by a small bunch of lunatic fringe neo-fascists?
• more money wasted on the likes of Trident
• a cut in funding to the Scots Parliament
• more backward semi-religious support of 'British family values' and more punitive measures aimed at those who don't fit into the Daily Mail's idea of British morality such as gays and single-mothers
• more anti-immigration mania - 'immigration' has now come to mean anyone who wasn't born in Britain. This includes people who have lived here for 40 years or more. I myself know some who were born in the US of Scots or Irish parents and who were raised in Scottish council schemes from infancy. However, for the purposes of propaganda, the Tories and Daily Mail would label them as 'immigrant's who have taken 'our' jobs and homes
• the return of upper-class death-sports such as fox-hunting. Though Afghan lesbian asylum-seekers living in 'plush' Glasgow housing schemes may be next
• the very probable dismantling of the BBC and with it, its invaluable support for minority languages, including ironically, native British ones such as Gaelic and Welsh
• more private interference in our schools and hospitals

Unfortunately, Labour too share at least some of the above ideals. Therefore, if you live in England, go Lib-Dem or Green. Fortunately in Scotland and Wales, we do have a credible alternative to London's parochial little-island politics. Go for it. SNP, Green or Plaid Cymru on May 6th.

Patriot games with Dave and the tax dodgers

It's Dave 'fae the estate' Cameron's patriotic duty to maintain the system whereby MPs and their rich pals scratch each others' backs. With the expenses scandal still fresh in the memory, its incredible that the Ugly Sisters of Tory and Labour persist with their sickening but 'still within the letter of the law' practises. Today, Cameron's boss and Tory Party owner Lord Ashcroft has revealed that despite bankrolling the vile Conservatives for years, he is a tax dodger who prefers to count his many millions from the safety of Belize.



The great Lord Ashcroft's admission comes on the same day that mass murderer and fellow non-tax payer, the Yorkshire Ripper, has applied to be let loose on the public. Here's an idea, send the pair of them to Belize, together.

The Tories' only defence is that London Labour are equally corrupt. Though, one of Labour's wealthy pals in the House of Lards was actually a Tory appointee. Who gives a shit? The upshot of it all is that whoever wins the Westminster election, the Labour/Tory roundabout will continue. This will see more backscratching between the likes of party bosses and 'influential' multi-millionaires and billionaires who seek a Lordship in return for bankrolling these idiots' political campaigns. This is what passes for Great British democracy. The likes of Ashcroft who pay little if any tax here get to fund crucial political campaigns in marginal constituencies - like some kind of expensive remote control from sunny Belize.

Then we have the disgusting Rupert Murdoch - hands up those who still subscribe to Murdoch's MySpace? Not cool, unless 'I'm a Sun Reader' is a badge of pride. - who reckons that he can 'choose' the next government. And, sure enough, both Labour and Tory are now talking about 'amending' the BBC charter after the election. Dirty Murdoch doesn't like the fact that the BBC, however imperfect, is actually accountable and a damn sight more impartial than the cac that he passes of as media. He probably ain't too chuffed that the BBC operates many websites, radio stations and other media, much of it educational, for a whole range of different language communities.

Unfortunately, our nation of social-networking junkies - Sun readers of the digital age - seem happy with or at least indifferent to the status quo. 'Great' Britain is a stinking cesspit of corrupt backward politics and ideologies. Hell, even the Falklands dispute is raising its head again as Cruel Brittania gets a whiff of oil wealth at the other side of the planet and sets sail to waive the rules.

Scotland is a small nation with valuable natural wealth, an ancient and globally recognised culture and a small population that is relatively unimpressed with empire building and waging war on third world countries. We should take the chance to strengthen our revived parliament, break away from corrupt Westminster and join with other small nations for the benefit of all.

Meanwhile, one of Dave's big ideas for change, is to bring back foxhunting for his toff pals. Hey, we all know they'd hunt the poor if they could.