Seven things we have learned about #SP16

I say, jumping on the latest clickbait jargon for lazy hipster journos.

The aftermath of the 2016 Scottish elections has created a lot of froth and foam. Let's sift through the debris.

1 - The Tory revival. In footballing terms, the Tories have made the top six of the SPL after years flirting with relegation. They're still playing guff fitba but they've enjoyed some fortune against their derby rivals. They are however, a country mile behind the league leaders. Perversely, they actually polled lower than hapless Labour meaning that only one-in-five of those who voted chose Satan. Many of these were tactical votes - some from Blairite ex-Labour voters and some apparently from the farming community, angry at an SNP delay in payments.

They're still polling less than John Major did. Christ on a crutch...

SPFL league according to Ruth Davidson

2 - Labour are now entering their habitual post-election period of 'listening' to the public having acheived yet another low. It's not easy to pinpoint where exactly Labour lost the trust of its once natural constituency - Blair and Iraq? Blair himself? Abandoning nationalisation? Selling policy to billionaires like Bernie Ecclestone? The PFI disgrace? Slandering striking workers as 'fascists'? Miliband? Anti immigration mugs?

Poor Kezia Dugdale who was bewildered just a few years ago at actually being elected is even more befuddled in her current stint as human shield for the Branch Office. Maybe pics of her holding up a 'Vote Green' poster are a sign that she has sights on coming over to the good side eventually?

3- The Rev Stuart Campbell from Wings Over Scotland continues to be an objectionable wank. Tocasaid has covered his bizarre anti-Gaelic rant before but he's topped that by his stubborn and insensitive - wrong, even - comments on Hillsborough. He's also peeved that the SNP didn't get an outright majority due to us dullards not following HIS instructions though he does admit that the SNP actually increased their vote. He's now aiming his blunderbuss at anyone who questioned his #BothVotesSNP dictat, including the likes of Bella Caledonia and the Greens. Bizarrely, he's now attacking Green voters on class grounds and Bella on readership stats. I'd imagine that there's a fair bit of truth in the claim that Green voters are mostly middle-class. It's just that Stuart Campbell's adopted home of Bath, that's BATH, sticks out a bit in the roll-call of Proletarian heartlands... Toxteth, Brixton, Easterhouse, Hulme, Craigmillar, Bath...

Bye Wings, was nice while it lasted...

4 - RISE didn't rise very high at all. While I agree with the jist of them - I've voted SSP in the past - I find their existence as a political party to be pointless at this moment. Some of their stunts are bizarre and the little communication I've had with them has been off-putting.

I was amazed that while their manifesto was a nigh-comprehensive list of worthy causes that they couldn't find room for Scottish/ Gaelic culture and the more the campaign wore on, the less relevant they were to me... Driving around Glasgow in a transit blaring out Bella Ciao? A fine song, but what on earth does an Italian partisan anti-fascist anthem have to do with the Scottish elections? If RISE really need to enforce their playlist on Glaswegians, could they not find something a bit more relevant? Dick Gaughan? Hamish Henderson?

And bellowing at McDonald's customers with megaphones?

And the RISE Young Team? Who?! Presumably it was one of the Youth Team, and a candidate no less, that tweeted a death wish to the Rev Stu...Word on the street bruv is dat's a dumb ting to do...

Little wonder that despite disproportiante media coverage they finished behind Tommy Sheridan's Solidarity. Bit of a 'red neck' given their antipathy towards Tommy and his ego.

5 - The SNP did well. The SNP are patently the best vehicle on the road to independence. I'm not wedded to one party though and a plurality of parties in a future Yes campaign must be for the good. Wings Over Scotland may be right that the Greens, so far, are not 'popular' with most voters but then again neither are the SNP. Nevertheless, they do represent a significant body of opinion and that 6 to 12% depending on where you vote may deliver a crucial majority in #indyref2.

Nicola Sturgeon is a powerhouse of a politcal leader and the SNP generally a force for good. However, they do need to pay attention to who they choose to represent them in elections. Taking money from the likes of Brian Souter may not be cool but if the SNP can put his dosh to progressive use then I can live with that. On the other hand, wild horses would not drive me to vote for Christian heidbangers who openly display their prejudice to gay and women's rights. I believe there were one or two such 'guid Catholics' on the SNP list. Get rid. Personal beliefs should be kept personal. An invisible guy in the sky should have no bearing on government in a modern Scotland.

6- The Lib Dems. Meh. Can't be bothered writing about them.

7- All-in-all, with more than 50% of the vote going to pro-Indy parties and an SNP/ Green majority in Holyrood, the mandate is there to call #Indyref2 when the time is right.

Pour yourself a dram, relax and prepare for an independent Scotland sometime in the near future.

Scottish Gaelic in the #SP16 manifestos

Or not, in the case of RISE Scotland and the Lib Dems. But more about them later.

With the Scottish elections air faire - I thought I'd break my sabbatical to explore what the main parties have to say on the place of Scottish/ Gaelic in our society. Gaelic is mostly a non-partisan issue. It is a language and if it is truly of equal worth and status then a plurality of viewpoints expressed through it as a medium should not be a surprise. There are some bigots whose regular but erroneous outbursts on Gaelic issues are fodder for a new ugly breed of fringe Unionists but by and large Scottish is supported across the political spectrum.

Despite the gurning that the SNP are 'forcing' Gaelic onto an unwilling populace, they are for the most part only following legislation signed or implemented by Tories, Labour and Lib Dems in both Westminster and Hollywood.

Here we go. Let's get the worst done and over with...

The Tories - despite loose cannons like Alex Johnstone and Jackson Carlaw - the truth is that the Tories have supported Gaelic since Thatcher. Significant funding for Gaelic was first put in place by a Tory government in London. In their current manifesto, they even have a picture of Bagh a' Chaisteil and manage to state:

We continue to support Gaelic education and would welcome further dedicated Gaelic schools being set up.

Labour - the Branch Office has been generally supportive over the years. Alasdair Campbell is a piper of Gaelic-speaking Tirisdeach stock while the arch-Unionist and pro-nuke bag of bitterness that is Brian Wilson can even speak it to some degree and has been a vociferous proponent of the tongue for decades. On the other hand, one of Kezia Dugdale's first statements after expressing shock at being elected (you're not alone there a' ghràidh) was to oppose BBC Alba receiving a slot on Freeview.

Labour though is currently a chaotic mess on many fronts. As I write, a mere week before the election, their manifesto is hot of the presses. Well, kind of lukewarm. In fact, it seemed as if Scottish Labour would abstain on a manifesto this year. Sure enough given the ever decreasing standards of Labour personnel over the past few years this manifesto made even Rise Scotland's seem slick.

Two gaffes immediately caught the eye. First, the online version was published with at least one section missing - the now infamous 'hello there, hello here' gunshot to foot. Next in the language section was this...

Where on earth did they get 'Nordic' from? Norn or Norse? Or did they mean Doric? This sums up a party that has taken the electorate for granted for decades - producing shoddy campaign material with factual errors, spelling mistakes and all the finesse of a stoner staying up all night to finish a crucial essay before next day's deadline.

As to the real life language that is Gaelic, it's pretty wishy washy. Just what you'd expect from a party now famous for abstaining.

Shame, as it wasn't always like this. In their 2011 manifesto for the Highlands and Islands they stated:

Scottish Labour recognises the crucial importance of Gaelic medium education to the continued survival and flourishing of the language. We support an expansion of opportunities for learning Gaelic, including removing the obstacles to Gaelic education and growing the number of Gaelic medium teachers, especially in areas where there is strong parental demand. We will build on the achievements of the Gaelic Language Act and will enhance our support for Gaelic through encouraging Gaelic broadcasting, Gaelic arts and increased visibility for the Gaelic language in Scotland. We will also support the work of Sabhal Mòr Ostaig, the Gaelic college on Skye, and encourage new learners as well as native speakers from the traditional heartlands and beyond.

Liberal Democrats - skimming over this document after taking several wrong turns in their garish eye-stabbing website was worse than perusing the Tories' letter to Santa. Please note, multiple pics of Willie Rennie (minus mating swine) is not a positive! He either looks as if he's struggling with a bout of anal cramps or is trying very, very hard to add up the numbers of remaining Lib Dem MSPs.

This is a party that has lost any relevance it once had. With a strong representation in the Highlands, it was once very pro-Gaelic. Elected members such as John Farquhar Munro and Charlie Kennedy not only spoke Gaelic to varying degrees of fluency but were honest, likeable and even radical politicians. Now, we see the likes of the ridiculous Tavish Scott - son of the laird - playing the anti-Gaelic card in an attempt to hold onto the party's remaining 'heartland' of the Northern Isles where Gaelic does have a 'history' albeit not as a recently spoken community language by a significant percentage of the locals.

In 2011 though, they did say:

Support Gaelic medium education where there is demand and promote the language in cost effective ways.

Though funnily enough they now say that if parents in Shetland were to demand GME, they would oppose the desire of those Shetlanders to have their kids educated in Gaelic. Then again, what do you expect? They are Lib Dems after all. Would you trust a Lib Dem?

Curiously, the link to the Lib Dem manifesto I sourced included the words 'no to nuisance callers' (??!)

Answers in a Tweet please...

Scottish Greens - their online document is certainly more pleasing to the eye and does not focus on one personality (if that applies to Wille Rennie). Nothing on Gaelic education but this comes in under Arts and Cultural Diversity:

We support cultural ventures in all the languages of Scotland, including measures to encourage the use of Gaelic, the Scots tongue and the languages of those from minority ethnic backgrounds

Could do better. Support is good but any new ideas at developing the use of Gaelic?

SNP - Compared to some 'national movements' the SNP has been relatively 'language-lite' perhaps in an attempt not to 'scare the horses' as was said of the Yes campaign. Gone are the days when Gaelic slogans were part and parcel of SNP conferences. On the face of it, the SNP offer perhaps the strongest case for Gaelic though as mentioned above, until now they have mostly been building on common ground cultivated by the three main Unionist parties. That said, the present Gaelic 'heartland' of Na h-Eileanan Siar is strongly SNP at both Holyrood and Westminster levels.

Here though we have a bit more to chew on with Gaelic coming under both education and culture (A Creative Scotland) - not rocket science but something the other parties have failed to recognise. Here we go:

We will also implement new legal duties and rights to support Gaelic Medium Education as part of our ongoing commitment to stabilise and increase the number of Gaelic speakers.

 We support the central role of Gaelic arts in engaging people with the language, and enhancing the relevance of the language to Scottish society. We will also provide support for the Scots language

 We will maintain our investment in BBC Alba as a vital part of Scottish broadcasting output, and in recognition of its contribution to the development of the Gaelic language.

RISE Scotland - the new radical pro-indy alternative to the SNP 'establishment'. One could ask what is wrong with the Greens and why did the already extant SSP need to be subsumed into a new organisation but...

Nothing. They have words on many valid causes but nothing on Scotland's indigenous culture - the language, music, education, research, media, sport - not a syllable. The closest they come to Gaelic culture is promising to add yet more tax onto a bottle of whisky! Though some of their policies have a worryingly libertarian tone about them:

The primary curriculum is too cluttered, and in secondary schools the burden of assessment has become a direct barrier to better learning and teaching.

Gaelic and other languages taught as a second language would be easy pickings in attempts to 'declutter' the curriculum. Could Gaelic and other languages be taught and encouraged in other 'radical' ways? Er, we don't know. It would seem as if RISE have taken the Lord Robertson's words on 'Scotland not having a culture and languages' to heart.

Nationally, RISE will ensure that councils’ spending decisions are made using participatory budgeting techniques such as those developed in Porto Alegre, Brazil, which allow citizens to decide for themselves how their funds are spent.

'Citizens' such as Tavish Scott who could whip up a sizable minority of whingers with a grudge and decide that 'his' local area does not demand Gaelic education/ services and even if locals were to demand it, we're not going to let you have it anyway. How will these citizen panels operate? Will a simple majority vote suffice? We aren't told.

RISE should know that getting 100% agreement, or anywhere near, is nigh impossible amongst virtually any grouping of people. Otherwise, the socialists of RISE would just have joined the SSP instead of creating yet another organisation, no?

But I digress...

I expected better from RISE even though their existence at this point in Scotland's journey towards independence is a mystery to me. Their manifesto document itself is difficult to read - black text on a dark red background on some pages- gu sealladh orm!! So far, RISE seem relatively well known for certain members who gained notoriety during the indyref campaign and for others shouting at McDonalds' customers about said company's working conditions. Their highlight in the polls seems to have been a subsample of 39 voters in Glasgow, 2 of which were going to vote RISE.

In terms of a positive vote for Gaelic, the SNP promise the most. For that important list vote, you may consider the SNP again or the Greens assuming the Tories' warm words of comfort to Gaels don't wash away the knowledge of just who they are. The Lib Dems continue their downward spiral and Labour can barely get their half-baked manifesto out on time though we can assume they are still pro-Gaelic given recent voting records. RISE may as well not exist as far as we're concerned. Certainly, we don't exist in their eyes.

All in all, there's a worrying lack of action on languages of any kind from any party. Bilingualism is the norm for most people in the world. The benefits of bilingualism to children are proven. The EU is still pushing the 1+2 approach to languages and education. Bilingualism has been shown to promote positive attitudes towards diversity in children and has valuable cognitive benefits to the child.

It's been said that English is the Walmart of languages. Surely this type of myopic and imperialist attitude should be consigned to the past? If so, our politicians need to do more to equip our young people with a knowledge of their own languages, culture and history as well as insights into those of others in the world community.

If pigs could fly...

...their graceful porcine wings would take them far away from the debauched cesspit that is Westminster and the establishment of rich white men who run it - give or take the odd Corbyn or Mhairi Black. And they are roundly ridiculed as extremists by people who engage in or support arms-dealing with Saudi Arabia and others, penalising the poor and disabled, renewing Trident and sexual intercourse with dead mammals.

To be fair though, they'd probably fuck dead fish were the opportunity to present itself.

It now seems beyond doubt that when Flemish master of the canvas, Hieronymus Bosch painted his triptychs he was envisioning the future governing class of Great Britain.

Rule Brittania fellows!

The MPs expense scandal was only the tip of the iceberg - the apparent coverup of paedophile rings working within the corridors of power would allude to the depths to which these people would sink. Hell, I hate foxhunting but these people fuck and kill kids and people. The dead foxes are probably just a carnal digestif.

And, it isn't just the sordid image we have of a young dish-faced, shiny-chinned David Cameron inserting his sausage into a dead pig's mouth - it's the fact that he and others do this because it, er, lubricates the wheels of advancement.

For us in Scotland... at least us Yes voters in the #indyref can hold our heads up high. We didn't vote to be ruled by swinefuckers.

Football celebs vote in #GE2015!

We all know that Alex Ferguson is a Labour man, whatever their policies are. Also that ex-Hearts and Hibs red-card junkie Michael Stewart is an intelligent advocate of independence and is backing the SNP. Terry Butcher is, or at least used to be, a Tory. But, let's face it, fitba celebs rarely put their heads above the parapet on the political front.

Tocasaid will hazard a few guesses though.

So, with the election upon us and episodes of mindless sickening violence (see above) now in the past, let's enjoy some 90-minute nuggets...

First up is house-favourite Leigh Griffiths. Hibs fan and righteous Celtic FC forward has been banging in the hat-tricks lately. His ongoing hat-trick seems to be the triple-grudge of racism, homophobia and Islamophobia. That's surely makes him a Ukip man.

Moving slightly to the left, we have Ally McCoist. He's a well known Unionist and with Oldco Rangers having corned the right-wing conservative market for fans in recent decades, he's sure to be a Tory. In fact, I reckon he's so taken with Scottish Conservatism that he's morphing into Ruth Davidson.

Anne Budge of Hearts and Leanne Dempster of Hibs are two independently-minded women with clear visions of what their respective clubs should look like. They also thrive in an otherwise backward-male environment. That makes them SNP fans of oor Nicola.

Robbie Neilson. Young manager who's quiet demeanour has nevertheless yielded spectacular results for Hearts this season, albeit in the second tier. They won the league by a country mile as the SNP are predicted to do on May 7th. SNP again for this winner.

 

Lee 'Elbows' McCulloch. Past the sell-by date footballer and vicious hardman of The Rangers FC. Even his own fans don't like him. Other fans detest him. Referees don't know he exists. He's not very popular. He must be a Lib Dem.

Alan Stubbs. Used to be a likeable guy but has grown into one hell of a bitter man this season as Hibs yo-yo all over the place - one minute they're horsing Sevco and the next allowing Christian Nade of all people to dance around their defence and score. Given his bitterness towards other teams and fans coupled with the fact that his team finished a very distant second to winners Hearts, he has to be a Labour man. No Jim Murphy though as Stubbs is just bitter, not evil.

Inverness Caledonian Thistle. Hell, we may not all support them but most of us have a soft-spot for them. There's Yogi for a start who's gone from buffoon to manager of the year. And, there's the excellent Twitter account. The Frankie Boyle of the football Twitter world though not as foul-mouthed. They also love beating the corporate-corpse of Scottish fitba - Celtic FC. I'm sure they're partial to a few jars and a 'wee smoke'. Defo a Green Party team and what's wrong with that?

Angry denials or accusations of hate-speech here? Contact the Daily Mail. Corrections or suggestions? Post below.

Vote early, vote often, vote SNP.

Grandmaster Flash knew.

(Pipeline) pure as the driven snow
(Connected to my mind) and now I'm havin' fun, baby!
(High fry) it's getting kinda low
(Cause it makes you feel so nice) I need some one-on-one, baby!
(Don't let it blow your mind away) Baby!
(And go into your little hideaway 'cause white lines blow away)
(Blow)

Let's face it, if most of us turned up at work in this state, we get our asses handed to us. George Osborne is different though. Remember too that 55% of Scots voted to retain this guy as our overlord. His shaking hands are 'managing' our economy.

I like it how some have euphemistically referred to Osborne's 'hangover'. A hangover from what? Anally-ingested horse tranquiliser with a whisky chaser? Or has he been down Leith chasing some legal highs? A night with 'Higella' Lawson perhaps - daughter of a former chancellor herself and aficionado of controlled substances?

I'm sure Dode Osborne is old to remember the fine Grandmaster Flash of Sugar Hill. Though maybe the Sugar Hill sounds were banned from Eton. Who knows.

Here's a trip - ho-ho! - down memory lane. Listen and learn George.

A billion magic crystals, painted pure and white
A multi-million dollars almost overnight
Twice as sweet as sugar, twice as pretty as salt
And if you get hooked, baby, it's nobody else's fault, so don't do it!

A street kid gets arrested, gonna do some time
He got out three years from now just to commit more crime
A businessman is caught with 24 kilos
He's out on bail and out of jail
And that's the way it goes
Raah!

Its twins! Royal babies to take power!

We are privileged to reveal that the Royal Baby is not one but two! They are very premature but in a panic to avert Scotch independence, Princes David and Nigel will be installed on the Downing Street throne. Though young, Downing Street PR gurus with help from Gordon Brown, have advocated a 'back to basics' approach to the coronation. Brown is said to have alluded to the sorry tale of the Maid of Norway who became Queen of Scots at the age of seven.

The previous heir to the London throne, Prince Boris, is thought to be considering a reality TV show which he would co-host with the reputed anti-Semite, George Galloway.

House hunting with David Cameron

Bad news for Scotland. The Tories are having their annual North British shindig in our capital city.

The good news is, David Cameron, the leader of the party's Inner Secretariat in South Britain has come to share some of his inherited wealth er, pearls of wisdumb amongst the proles and Porridge Wogs of Pictland.

Better news though is that Tariq Ali's lecture, brought to us by the Radical Independence Campaign, attracted more people that the leader of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland - hell, I look forward to the day when we are simply the independent nations of Scotland, England, Wales and Ireland.

Cameron - cam shròn or 'crooked nose' in the Scottish vernacular - did say something that caught my attention though. He compared voting for independence to making a Very Important Decision such as buying a house. Wait a minute... what the fuck would he know about buying a house?

Here is a picture of David's house or at least one of them. The house that dad built.

The slavering James MacMillan

The highly esteemed, or is it just steaming? - composer James MacMillan CBE has opened his little bearded slit again. The pompous Tory and defender of the Catholic Church has this time pulled his wire in the direction of National Collective - comparing them to "Mussolini's followers" and whinging that artists should not support politicians.

Ho-ho! Firstly...

Being an evangelical proponent of Roman Catholicism, I would imagine that Fascist dictators are something MacMillan and his church know a lot about.

Secondly, while I agree that 'artists supporting politicians' probably ain't cool, coming from a pompous phallus like MacMillan whose name is suffixed by CBE it is a wee bit strange. It is worth remembering that CBE stands for Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire and is part of an 'order of chivalry' known as Most Excellent Order of the British Empire. How very progressive.

Lastly, to my knowledge, National Collective do not support any 'politicians' but seek self-determination and a progressive, fair future for Scotland.

Statue to MacMillan CBE in his native Ayr

Is he for real?

Alas, he is and he has form. He used to vote Tory but of late he has taken offence to the Scottish Tory leader, who happens to be gay, and her comments on Catholic schools. Interestingly, MacMillan was supported by the Glaswegian-turned-Irishman Phil Mac Giolla Bháin - a man who views love of Celtic FC and the Roman Catholic superstition as integral to the Irish ethnicity. Once upon a time, Phil used to be left-leaning proponent of Celtic solidarity but in his interview he gave the very Scottish and right-wing MacMillan carte-blanche to expound upon his 'social conservatism' and why the Tories should do more to attract Catholics to vote for them.

Funnily enough MacMillan seems to have kept schtum on the Catholic Crutch's shameful and ever-emerging record of child abuse. Why speak out on behalf of children - designated 'Catholic' by their parents - when you can lambast a lesbian Conservative on her opposition to segregated schooling? And, as he has a lingering interest in Fascist dictators, I wonder what his views are on the equally shameful collusion between the Catholic hierarchy and the Nazis?

I don't hold my breath.

Mother of a Thousand Dead lives on....

 

Iron Lady with your stone heart so eager that the lesson be taught
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.

Reincarnation may appear to be fantasy, unless of course Buddhists are referring to constant recycling of atoms from past lives that make up our present being. It may seem as if our present London government has ingested the atoms and spirit of Fred West or Harold Shipman but we're gonna have to bide our time for them to surface.

Thatcher will be dust and ash by the time this hits the net but her spores have been active since the dark years of her reign.

Her most notable legacy is the underclass that her policies created. But how has the arrogance, bloodlust, elitism and poshboy/ city slicker swagger been reincarnated?

Firstly, it must be that special relationship. Cameron and the soft Republican that is Barrack Obama can only dream of getting deep down and dirty like Thatch and Reagan...

Google street view works in hindsight.

She even managed to tug Labour so far to the right that they have their tongues up UKIP's sheuch.

 

"Oh Anthony... you came quicker than Ronnie."

Even the great white hope of Labour's Presbyterian wing had 'a meeting of the minds'.

An Old Testament kind of fling.

Unfortunately, Jimmy had got in there first...

"Your morgue or mine?"

And then it's on to her many god-children, such as...

Jeremy Clarkson

...and...

Mumfart and sons.... the original is even more horrific.

...and, worse of all, here in North Britain that likes to think of itself as a Tory-free-zone...

"The poor want something for nothing?"

Bearing in mind though that death is no laughing matter - unless you happen to be Rupert Murdoch and your favourite woman's government has sunk and killed a boatload of young Argentine conscripts in what amounts to a warcrime - then here's a picture of some people dressed in black:

Gotcha!

And here is one of the songs they wrote:

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

How does it feel to be the mother of a thousand dead?
Young boys rest now, cold graves in cold earth.
How does it feel to be the mother of a thousand dead?
Sunken eyes, lost now; empty sockets in futile death.

Your arrogance has gutted these bodies of life,
Your deceit fooled them that it was worth the sacrifice.
Your lies persuaded people to accept the wasted blood,
Your filthy pride cleansed you of the doubt you should have had.
You smile in the face of the death cause you are so proud and vain,
Your inhumanity stops you from realising the pain
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.

You never wanted peace or solution,
From the start you lusted after war and destruction.
Your blood-soaked reason ruled out other choices,
Your mockery gagged more moderate voices.
So keen to play your bloody part, so impatient that your war be fought.
Iron Lady with your stone heart so eager that the lesson be taught
That you inflicted, you determines, you created, you ordered -
It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered.

Homegrown Horrors for Halloween

On Oidhche Shamhna - the night before Samhain - the door between 'our' world and the world of the dead was reputed to open, allowing for all manner of supernatural beings to pass into the realm of the living. As per usual, it is an apt time to run an eye over the make-believe horrors that those in power, or those in the tabloids, deem to be a threat to our way of life.

Foreigners are usually a good bet. Especially those we see as immigrants - not 'ex-pats' like the English abroad - and asylum seekers. Last year though, saw 'the enemy within' take the limelight.

This year, its a bit of both.

Taking our jobs, having our babies, not going home.

Foreigners. There's nothing quite like a bit of bother from others to get the Great British knickers in a twist. This year, its the shocking news that 25% of all Brit babies are born to at least one foreign parent. Not mentioned is that these figures include parents from the likes of Ireland, the US, Canada - and other 'nice and white new world nations' - France, Spain and the rest of Europe. Let's face it, almost all of us must know one Scot who has a partner from one of these nations. Are we concerned?

The implication obviously is though that these foreign parents are more than likely bleck. Or maybe Asian. Or.... SLAVIC!!! And sure enough, read further into this Metro report and we see 'Eastern European' immigration getting the neep-lantern treatment. Not only that but the shadowy 'Migrationwatch' gleefully dispute the official figures and are adamant that NONE of these Slavs intend to return home after a year or two here doing the kind of work that some Bwits are too lazy or incompetent to do anymore.

On a slightly different note, one has to wonder why the English-based Migrationwatch who seem to take umbrage at the migration of Slavs, Blecks and Asians are credible sources for the media whearas the likes of Settler Watch, Scottish Watch and Sìol nan Gaidheal who highlighted mostly white and well-off English migration to Scotland were slated as 'racists'?

Lastly though, its the horrors at home that we really have to worry about. And everyone from David Cameron to Ed Miliband to Johann Lamont has been warning about them.

It's those of us who want 'something for nothing'. No, not the MPs and their expenses. No, not the bankers. No, not the Royal Family. No, not the arms dealers. No, not those in House of Lords.

There are many but old people seem to be especially scary this year. Labour have suggested that they should pay for their travel, care and prescriptions. The Tories suggest that they should work for their pensions. What the fck these old folk have been doing all their lives, I don't know. But somehow, the entire population of pensioners has reached a ripe auld age without working nor paying taxes! Incredible! Are they all Barclays or Starbucks shareholders?

Get on yer bike, coffin dodger.

Joining the elderly on the Jimmy Savile roll of dishonour are the unemployed who not only need their benefits cut but should not be allowed a chance to gain an apprenticeship according to Labour. Students too think that education should be a right and not a privilege for the likes of David Cameron, Nick Clegg, George Osborne, Tony Blair or Alastair 'Black Dwarf' Darling who were all lucky enough to go to very posh schools indeed.

There are indeed two worlds and the spectres, hobgoblins and bloodsuckers of Tory and Labour take full advantage of that open door to keep their Westminster gravy-train on the go, to stockpile their weapons of mass-destruction and to keep that gap between rich and poor from narrowing.

Alternatives to independence?

Apart from the crazy notion of standing on your own two feet and doing things in your own way there are many reasons to vote 'NO!' to Scotland running her own affairs. Especially if you're a sad auld 30-something virgin male who still lives with his maw and has yet to fly the coop to establish your own... er independence in the world.

I say this because there are those who claim we're better off staying together as a 'family' of nations. Now this may be a strange concept to such street-wise guys like Ed Miliband or Alastair Darling but I left home decades ago and yet still manage to maintain cordial relations with my family - the auld dear, brothers, aunts, cousins etc. It's just that I don't want to share a house with them.

Please... stay at home.

Now that's out of the way. Suppose you do vote 'NO!' What next? Scotland continues to run almost all things by herself but leaves the rest - including the financing of it all - to the likes of...

Ed Miliband??! The same Ed Miliband that those durty Tories have outed as a conservative?! 

Er... no, no and no.

Aye, him. Not very inspiring, is it? No wonder he was roundly booed by the large TUC anti-cuts demo in London.

How about ye olde Black Dwarf then... Alastair Darling who's doing a swimmingly good job of keeping the anti-indies of Labour, LibDem, Tory and... Orange Order, BNP et al... together in the good ship Bitter Together. In his previous life as chancellor of the exchequer he presided over the collapse of many of Golden Britain's banks.

Oh, wait a minute... that Alastair Darling. The infamous 'worse than Thatcher' one mentioned here:

 Alistair Darling admitted tonight that Labour's planned cuts in public spending will be "deeper and tougher" than Margaret Thatcher's in the 1980s, as the country's leading experts on tax and spending warned that Britain faces "two parliaments of pain" to repair the black hole in the state's finances.

This really is shit. The 'socialist' alternative promising 'pain' worse than the Mother of a Thousand Dead. What else can London offer then?

Whatever floats your boat...

On the Tory side of things, we have the Billy Bunter of the brothels himself, George Osborne. Privileged, clueless and in absolutely no position to lecture others on the need to suffer public service cuts. Here he is with prostitute Natalie Rowe sitting at a table on which there are apparently lines of coke.

...but mind this when the talk turns to morality and family values.

Do you get the feeling that there are those who wish to preserve the Union only as a means of keeping their snouts in the trough? Surely not!

London-based politics is knee deep in shit. Every few months seems to see a new sorry episode. Free rein given to greedy and corrupt bankers. Cameron's friends in the Murdoch media empire illegally eavesdropping on almost everyone - hey, they got a murdered schoolgirl's phone but not Savile's! Cops are paid by said corrupt journos. Cops kill innocent bystanders at demonstration. MPs expenses fraud on a mammoth scale - and they're still at it. The Hillsborough cover-up which includes top cops and yon auld witch Thatcher.

It's a revolving door of corruption and sleaze. Blair copied Thatcher. Guess who Cameron copied...?

So, if you aint gonna vote 'Yes' because as some claim, 'there are no really independent nations anymore', then will voting 'No' save us from this lot?...

Next... Halloween Horrors for 2012.

Rutting season

The Scottish word for October is Dàmhair and describes the time of year when the stags would descend from the mountains and rut in the glens and straths. The political stags in the strath of London are also busy rutting at the moment and their descent has been a moral one.

The bewildering pronouncements of Ed Miliband's chosen envoy to Nof Bwitain, Johanna Lamont have been covered in gory detail in many different forums. Seems though as if her sudden swing from apparent-lefite to full-blooded Thatcherite was but a warm-up act for Miliband himself at Labour's annual lecture for the automatons.

Miliband rubbed salt into the wounds by not only demanding cuts - not to the war budget mind - but by imploring all us Bwits to submit ourselves to the One Nation.

Milibland's right-wing froth was the cue for Cameron's compassionate millionaires to again lay the blame for society's ills at the doors of the poor. The message was, once again, if you are poor then you are to blame and all you need to do is work harder. There was no carrot and Cameron presented the poor with the age-old stick of benefits' cuts. As far back as I can remember, London governments have been shaving £millions of the benefits budget. Thatcher and Major were enthusiastic slashers and the trend continued under Blair and Brown's Nu Labour chimera.

And the end result of three decades of cutting benefits?

Who knows? But there's still loads of dough left for new fleets of aircraft carriers and Trident missiles.

Labour is bad for your health.

Which brings me back to Scotchland and the bloated irrelevance that is Jackie Baillie - Labour's representative in the Scottish Parish Council for the porridge wogs of Dumbarton and also, bizarrely, their health spokesperson. Her defence of the nuclear WMDs at nearby Faslane was every bit as conservative and blinkered as Micheal Forsyth's doomed defence of the Poll Tax in Scotland. Poor Jackie when challenged by Brian Taylor on his 'Big' Debate as to whether there could be any moral alternative to using WMDs to provide jobs was unable to offer anything positive and simply stated, 'well that's the way it is'.

This kind of response to the progressive idea of removing weapons of mass destruction from Scotland is typical of the tired and complacent Labour Party in Scotland. It was simply beyond the ken and wit of Jackie Baillie to imagine that the many hundreds of £millions we spend on Trident could be spent on something more constructive and peaceful. Trams for our cities? Equipment for our hospitals? Wind and wave turbines?

Lastly is the bizarre pronouncement that London will, in 2014, spend £50million on commemorating the start (!) of the First World War. In the absence of a royal wedding, jubliee or Team GB, London obviously needs another excuse to foist the Union flag and London's version of patriotic history upon us.

If my history serves me correctly though, twice as many Scots died in their role of cannonfodder in a what was basically a war between Europe's moribund imperialist elites. Something that is certainly worth remembering in the year of the referendum.

As for the LibDems... their unpopularity has finally been eclipsed by Jimmy Saville.

STUC report on cancelling Trident

MyDavidCameron posters

Not in our name - report on campaign in The Independent

Johann Lamont - a woman of many faeces

In the past, the Iron Lady of Scottish politics has perhaps been unfairly treated. Say, portrayed as a sad auld jakie whose days of youth, vigour and radical action are long gone. However, now she has now wholeheartedly adopted the policies, excuses and even the language of the Tories. The taxpaying public are scolded for expecting 'something for nothing' and that we should apply 'common sense' to public finances. Lamont is going from a sad auld figure to a new Thatcher.

Much has been said in recent days of Scottish Labour's sudden and sickening lurch to the right - even mainstream journos on the BBC has expressed their shock and dismay - so there will be few words here. Even Angus Macleod of the Times - and no Jimmy Reid is he - questioned that if the elderly, the sick and students were to be means-tested for their benefits and entitlements then what next? The NHS?

I can point you to the erstwhile Jimmy Reid Foundation - poor Jimmy would be livid at the current position of Scottish Labour and Bella Caledonia for some good reading on this topic.

Suffice to say at a time when the UK government is pursuing projects that started under Labour or are still supported by Labour - including Johann Lamont - paying the PFI rents on schools and hospitals, such building aircraft carriers, renewing Trident, maintaining a fleet of nuclear submarines, maintaining the huge subsidies on nuclear power and continued involvement in foreign escapades such as Libya and Afghanistan, it won't wash to say 'we can't afford these public services.'

As always, it's a matter of priorities. We could choose to protect and enhance the lives of Scottish people through better public services - that we all pay for already - or go down the auld road of arming ourselves to the teeth in the spirit of Rule Britannia.

This also comes after Labour has joined with the Tories in Stirling Council and delivered...a council-tax cut! I'm not really sure how that will protect services in Stirling. For example, how will Stirling Council reduce class sizes with a reduced income?

Labour... are kaputt.