Foulkes celebrates the Gaelic festival of Oidhche Shamhna

Rumours have it that Jambo peer George Foulkes has been seen traipsin the streets of Edinbugger with his auld pal Jack McConnell who in celebration of Oidhche Shamhna/ Halloween has dressed himself up as 'an ex Worst Minister'. Foulkes himself has been chappin doors, claiming to be a 'Socialist Lord', singing 'The Sash' and asking folk if he can have their nuts.

This comes on the same day that the Catholic Church has announced to the world that Halloween is 'Anti-Christian'. Foulkes and New Labour have responded with a press-release issued to them by their new Unionist allies, the Orange Order, in which they claim that the Pope himself is the 'Anti-Christ'. Elsewhere, ordinary people will ignore the nonsense of both the Vatican and Orange Order and celebrate this auld pagan Gaelic festival by having a laugh.

Oidhche Shamhna (Samhain's Eve) marked the end of summer and beginning of winter in the ancient Gaelic calendar. It was thought that at this time, the 'door' between our world and the world of the dead would be opened slightly, allowing for spirits and other creatures to sample the other side. This obviously was in pre-enlightenment days. However, science and reason have still to reach some quarters and i don't just mean the scaremongers, bigots and outright nutters of the Vatican and Orange Order who still peddle an altogether more sinister fantasy. We still have 'mystical Celts' who actually believe in sithichean, troichean, taibhsean, bocain, manaidhean, eich-uisge and other mythological supernatural beings from Gaelic tradition. These mystics and boolshitters are happy to use science in the form of the Internet to propagate their delusion and sales-pitches though funnily enough, few of them actually seem to be 'Celts' in the sense that they speak a Celtic tongue.

One such place is the 'Tir na nOg Holistic Centre' which despite being in Scotland, uses the Irish Gaelic for it's name. It is celebrating 'Samhain' (which simply means November to modern Gaels) with a firewalking session. Well-off mystics who possess more money than sense (and probably an accent that is more Cambridge than Carlabhagh) will have to part with £60 for the privilege though.

As they say... "A ceremonial fire will be lit and carefully tended as the group spends the evening in activities which will strengthen the sense of connection to ancestral lines, bring into focus the hopes and dreams waiting to be realised, and identify and break through fears or blocks standing in the way of those dreams. The evening’s main event, walking on red hot coals, will be a symbolic moment of incredible power - firewalking is a metaphor for all those moments in life when we have a choice..."

Curiously enough, traditional pagan sacrifice and blood-letting seems to have escaped transition into modern 'Celtic' celebrations.

Choice? Well, i certainly don't choose to be fleeced by charlatans whose idea of 'Celtic' is some mystical otherworld which probably never existed. And, if it did exist, there's probably a good reason why our ancestors stopped throwing rowan berries at water-horses - i.e. they eventually realised that such creatures don't fkn exist!

This all reminds me of Sharon MacDonald's excellent, 'Reimagining Culture', an academic study of a real Celtic community in Skye. In it, MacDonald talks of the White Settlers who came to northern Skye expecting to experience a Celtic paradise a la Tir nan Og. Instead, they found to their disgust crofters who drove tractors and shell-suited youths who spoke Gaelic amongst each other and laughed when the Settlers entered the local shop. Worse than that, the Celtic locals were so blinded by modern technology that they refused to share their knowledge of local fairies and keening at wakes.

So, this Oidhche Shamhna, the only spirits I'll be meeting will bear names like Ardbeg, Inchgower and Laphroaig.

Punk whisky tasting and loony politics

Oi Polloi's recent Autumnal jaunt to Deutschland on their 'Roctober' tour was a chance to indulge big time. However, the immersion into a life of loud punk rock, lots of good beer, irregular inputs of nutrition, daily autobahn travel and a lack of sleep left me a shadow of my former self. How can middle-aged men (well, 35 upwards) do this on a regular basis?

On the plus side, German beer is always an attraction. The trip through Edinburgh's duty-free is aye a chance to check out the whisky. Free samples were had of Balvenie Rum Cask - excellent stuff - and the Auchentoshan desk was surrounded by Polloi and their hangers-on. The Auch 18yo went down very well, and it wasn't even midday yet.

Once in Germany, talk turned to a bunch of loony anarchists who call themselves 'Anti-Deutsch' and who threaten to picket and disrupt any activities they deem to be 'anti-Semitic'. As this lot support Bush and Blair's war in Iraq, frown upon the speaking of German or Gaelic (even in their respective countries) as 'nationalist', and support Israeli phosphorous bombing of schools... they need a very wide net to catch all us 'anti-Semites'. Fortunately for us, this quasi-religious sect has very few hands with which to grab yon all-encompassing net and their activity was limited to grunts of dissaproval and calls for Anarcho-Semitic revolution from a colourless wee blog, written in...er... German. I guess their Hebrew aint up to much yet.

Interestingly, 'Semite' refers to the family of languages of the Palestinian region and included Arabic and Hebrew and gave birth to the subset of myths known as Christianity, Judaism and Islam. One language says 'shalom' and the other 'salaam'. How different can they be? Not much. But why let logic get in the way of good divisive blood-spilling mumbo-jumbo?

Meanwhile, England's very own bunch of loony politicos, the BNP, are apparently in turmoil after fat toff Griffin's pretty crap performance on Question Time. Griffin, despite being a twisted Tory bastard, is apparently the 'nice' face of this bunch of nazis. However, it seems that the 'not so nice' other face is gurning big time about their 'weak' leader. Is there a split on the horizon? Could be, especially when this hugely homophobic party start finding out that their overwhelmingly male membership aint actually that straight.


Worse than this though, at least on a personal level, was the earth-shaking and techno-esque (think of Joey Beltram and NJoi) snoring of Norman Silver. Worse even than the distribution - 'according to anarchist principles' - of a bottle of Queen Margot in Hamburg. It has to be said though that the punters enjoyed their Scottish windae-cleaner. Let's hope they get the chance to try the good stuff.

And, the 'good stuff' has to include Bunnahabhain's Darach Ur.

Slàinte mhath to a good night's sleep.

Old Etonian expense fiddlers aim for the bad auld days

Deja vu or what? Watching the parade of portly white Old Etonian multi-millionaires at the Tory conference took me back a few years though this time, things are a wee bit different. This time, the posh boys have been caught with their hands in the till. Yet, despite the expenses fiddle, the heirs to hereditary fortunes are telling us to tighten our belts and prepare for wage-freezes should they take power next year.

Anyone who can remember the unrest of the Miners' Strike and Poll Tax defiance knows what's in store.

Take one wee trip through Conservative blog world and through the likes of the Tax Payers' Alliance et al and you'll find numerous rabid Brit-Nat right-wingers, English nationalists, anti-Europe xenophobes and Tory libertarians frothing at the mouth about the need to end the NHS, smash the BBC, promote tax-cuts for the rich etc...

(Strangely though for 'Conservatives' who are anxious to defend 'traditional' Britain, they seem only too keen to stop support for indigenous British languages such as Gaelic and Welsh.)

Yet, as reported today, Tory MP Eleanor Laing has yet to repay £25k as trumpeted by rotund toff David Cameron. Several Tory and Labour MPs have agreed to 'step down' at the next election - however, this means that they will still be able to pocket their very generous pensions. It's worth remembering that many of these scroungers are also on the payrolls of various companies who reward them well for their 'work' as 'consultants' and directors. Compare this to the whinging of both Tory and Labour about dole scroungers.

The Tories too seem set to continue Labour's fashion for promoting unelected friends to positions of power via the House of Lords. It is amazing that this lot are anywhere near power in the year 2009. Ok, so they may have one or two token blecks popping up amongst the jowelly white fizzogs and one or two horse-faced ladies given a temporary reprieve from maintaining family values in the home but it's a sad reflection on Labour rule that a bunch of Victorian-value junkies are within a bawhair of power.

The only fear is that the English will turn to neo-fascist heidbangers like UKIP and the BNP in protest instead of more reasonable alternatives such as the Greens. Fortunately, Scotland still shows every sign of putting a more progressive foot forward by increasing the vote of the SNP. But, will it be enough to sever the ties between us and the backward, corrupt and increasingly unnecessary Westminster parliament?



Credit: the above photo was kindly donated to Tocasaid by the Daily Mail (still reeling from the Twitter campaign to subvert their racist poll), who also pointed out that David Cameron and Boris Johnson are nowhere to be seen in it. The names are as follows:
1. Arrogant Wank 2. Arrogant Wank 3. Arrogant Wank 4. Arrogant Wank 5. Arrogant Wank 6. Arrogant Wank 7. Arrogant Wank 8. Arrogant Wank 9. Arrogant Wank

No smoke but strong whisky aye - Christy Moore on the road

Our lungs may be glad for the absence of smoke and many of us still glad for the presence of strong whisky. Though i understand that the Irish legend Christy Moore has had to cut back on that too in recent years. Fortunately, he's still visiting his usual haunts with his passionate and political ballads and singalongs. Scotland is doing reasonably well with gigs in Perth, Edinburgh and Glasgow coming up very soon.

Will be looking forward to the crowd-pleaser Viva la Quince Brigada - the account of Irish volunteers who stood against church and fascism in Spain. Worth remembering the Scottish sacrifice too, as detailed in the excellent Homage to Caledonia. With the attempts of certain neo-fascist parties to gain representation in our parliaments - it's worth remembering that fascism will use democracy if possible, before snuffing it out. No freedom for the scum who would deny it to others. So, raise a glass to those fought and still fight against fascism.

Clach air an càrn.

Gaelic Medium Education - more evidence for benefits

A new report from Highland Council has detailed the higher attainment of Gaelic Medium pupils. New report, but not really 'news'.

"Pupils learning Gaelic "match and better" their peers in other subjects, Highland Council has said.

It said figures compiled from SQA exam results showed more credit level awards were attained in the language than for English.

The council said youngsters taking Gaelic medium education also performed well at maths."

It really isn't rocket science - not in this day and age. Until the 70s, when Gaelic was still being beaten and ridiculed out of kids whose families and communities spoke nothing else, it was thought by some that belting a child into speaking only one tongue would set him up in the world. Surely in Scotland, in 2009, there is no excuse for leaving a child with only 'one window on the world'. Gaelic speaking kids even speak better English, if that's what matters to you.

In short, monoglots are in the minority in the world. Most people can speak more than one language. Many can speak 3 or more local tongues. The benefits have been documented by the likes of Chomsky, Colin Baker, Richard Johnstone and Sorace. It's been recognised in Wales and in the Basque Country for decades now.

Let's leave the old mindset behind. The full report on BBC Scotland can be read here.

Scotland: giving away our jewels

Dougie MacLean & Kathy Mattea - Turning Away

Progress marches on. Anything else is by nature 'conservative', i.e. backward and stuck in the past. But progress can also include a recognition and a will to retain that which is of value. Is it part of the 'Scots cringe' that sees us let that which is of immense value slip away? Gaelic is one example. It is at the heart of our identity as Scots. It is our oldest tongue - already producing classical poetry when the English language was barely an offshoot of Germanic Anglo-Saxon. Many foreigners cannot understand why most Scots don't speak it. Especially in today's age when the cognitive benefits of bi and multi-lingualism are evident - from Chomsky's 'innate grammar mechanism' in children's brains to the advantages of bilingualism as evidenced by Colin Baker in Bangor. Hey! Gaelic and other languages are GOOD for kids. Maybe we were WRONG to waste money and time beating it out of them in the first place?

"On Loch Etive they have worked with their Highland dreams
By Kilcrennan they have nourished in the mountain streams
And in searching for acceptance they had given it away
Only the children of their children know the price they have to pay"

It's also the wee treasures we let slip too - and often without a fight.

Alcohol is important to us apparently. But that doesn't stop multi-national companies like Diageo, who made some £2billion in profit last year, from destroying communities at a whim. They also hold many other fragile and rural distilleries in their hands and we have to be grateful for it. But, when the goodwill runs out...?

Even, our pubs and inns are routinely destroyed - either by voracious 'pub chains' who turn them into plastic, soulless shells or by arrogant incomers with no thought for local culture.

Some examples spring to mind.

The Tron Tavern in Edinburgh. Once a traditional 'Scottish' pub but one without a 'theme'. Different floors, wide selection of drinks, traditional musicians coming and going. Now, it's so shit, even students don't go there.

The latest which has been hitting headlines and forums is the demise of the Glenuig Inn in Moidart. Gleann Uige only got a road linking it to the rest of the mainland in the 60s and has remained a relatively traditional but still vibrant part of the Gaidhealtachd. From it came the three MacDonald brothers - excellent Gaelic-speaking world-renowned pipers in the traditional mold. The Inn too, until recently was oak-lined, warm and welcoming and a hub of the community. However, it's been bought over by a 'blow-in' from England who wants to turn it into a 'niche enterprise' and 'green' business. This translates as, getting rid off the good beers, ripping out the auld oak interior, turning into a cold and characterless shell, farting about with opening hours and literally telling locals and tourists alike to 'take a hike' around the nearby peninsula if they disagree. His latest 'green' venture, as reported in the Times, is to buy the anchorage and rent off the moorings to rich yacht owners and to make sure the local fishermen go the same way as the local inn he has destroyed.

And, our new 'eco-landlord' can't understand why the locals are resisting his Cromwellian attempt to civilise them. This guy was born in the wrong age. Colonial India would've been his very own 'niche'. Surely, it's time for us to take back control? Leave the Scots cringe in the past where it belongs.

"In darkness we do what we can
In daylight we’re oblivion
Our hearts so raw and clear
Are turning away, turning away from here"

BBC Alba bliadhna dh’aois/ one year old

Chaidh a bhogadh bho chionn bliadhna aig Mòd na h-Eaglaise Bhrice le comhlan-ciùil mar Na Gathan ga fhàilteachadh gu faramach. Gu dearbh bha cruaidh fheum againn air seo. Carson nach bu choir Gaidheil agus mòr-sluagh na h-Alba gu lèir seirbhis fhaiginn airson an cuid airgid-cise? Bhoill, tha e againn agus ged nach urrainn dhan mhòr-chuid fhaighinn fhathast air teilidh àbhaisteach, bidh aon 200,000 ga choimhead. Chan eil seo gu leòr ge-tà agus se an dleastanas aig ceannardan a’ BhBC a chur air Freeview cho luath sa ghabhas. Tha sianal ‘Tele G’ air Freeview mar-tha, mar sin tha beàrn ann dha. Ach, cò tha ruith Tele-G? Chan eil fhios, a-rèir choltais. Ach, the faileadh North Korea air. Sgrìobh chun nan ceannard is dèan iarrtas airson BBC Alba air Freeview.

It was launched a year ago at the Falkirk Mod with bands like Na Gathan giving it a noisy welcome. There was a dire need for this. Why shouldn't Gaels and the Scottish public in general not have a service in return for their taxes? Well, we do have it now and though it's still not available to the majority of viewers, it still attracts some 200 000 viewers to watch SPL football, shinty, documentaries, Scottish and international news and children's shows. This isn't enough though and the high-heid-yins at the BBC have a duty to put in on Freeview. There is a channel, 'Tele-G', on Freeview already, so there is space for a Gaelic channel. But, who runs it? No one knows apparently. Smells like North Korea. Write to the BBC Trust heads and demand that BBC Alba goes on Freeview as soon as.

BBC Trust Unit, Room 211, 35 Marylebone High Street, London W1U 4AA. trust.enquiries@bbc.co.uk 03700 103 100

Islay 'Single Malt' Ale - a challenge to Castrol GTX?

A friend just returned from Eilean Ile with a bottle or two of 'real ale' from the 'boutique' Islay Ales. Interesting, at first. But, if ever there was an example of small not being beautiful, then this is it. In short, the Islay 'Single Malt' Ale is one of the foulest tasting liquids i have ever tasted. Notes? Well, carpet-underlay gives way to motor oil and the general heavy and dark consistency would no doubt go a long way to protecting any natural wood you may have outdoors.

This stuff is virtually undrinkable. Apparently, Bruichladdich provide some of their wort to Islay Ales for production into ale. I hope it turns out better than this. Otherwise Bruichladdich would be better leaving it where it is and distilling it. As to their other products, I have tasted their 'Saligo', which while drinkable, hardly sets the heather alight.

Which leads me on to question the existence of 'Islay Ales'. Apparently a small enterprise set up by a couple of English ex-pats and a German, it seems to offer negligible local benefit, such as employment, to the local community. The locals, as far as i can tell, prefer the 'big bad' brands available in local pubs. If Islay Ales conform to the strict German purity laws, then Scots' Law has interfered somewhere along the line. I'll stick to my Becks, danke sehr.

If you wish a good Scots ale that actually tastes good, then go for the superb Innis and Gunn. Matured in oak for 3 months, as opposed to Islay Ales' bottle-conditioned', it has to be one of the tastiest beers on the market.

Final conclusions? Incomers often bring a lot of good to communities, but is Islay Ales just a pastime for some middle-class English/German ex-pats? Even the Gàidhlig on the label is dodgy - Leann an Ile? - why not Leann Ileach? Unless it's a clever pun on the well-known port-à-beul 'Sann an Ile'? Lastly...

• not every beverage from Islay is worth buying
• 'real' and 'small' are often used to cover up 'crap' and 'amateurish'
• sometimes the native culture - i.e. the Islay whiskies - is far superior to fashionable 'boutique' enterprises
• Bruichladdich should leave their wort where it is and distill it
• incomers should have the freedom to develop their little hobbies but it would be nice if it benefited the local community in some way

Now, where can i get some white-spirit to clean those glasses?

Diageo's choice - profit before people

Yes, it's the nature of the beast. Nàdar na beiste rather than Airigh nam Beist. Diageo have just posted £2billion in profits. Sounds good except is was down slightly. The fact that they have made some $2 less than they did last year means that they have to 'rationalise'. And, what could be more rational than a whole raft of job losses?

I'm not a Diageo doomsayer. The nature of the beast is that we live in a more-or-less capitalist society with some socialist reins to make sure the beast doesn't eat everything. Diageo keeps open many small distilleries. But can it ever be justified to sacrifice hundreds of jobs and history in one fell swoop? Let's have the community buyouts.

Yet while Diageo is 'streamlining' in Kilmarnock, it is also unveiling a new Manager's Choice range of single-cask bottlings from it's range of distilleries. 'Good news' thought many when it was announced. Tasting some cask-strength drams straight from the tocasaid from the likes of Lagavulin, Inchgower and even Glenkinchie got many a mooth slavering. Then came the price tag. Between £200 and £300 per bottle!!! An ann às an rian a th'ad?! The Keepers of the Quaich, above, may be pleased but many of us plebes won't get a sniff at it. I can't see the Diageo stall at next year's Whisky Fringe handing out free drams of the Mason's Choice.


Fortunately, we also have 'Our Ane Choice'. So, it's down to places like the Scotch Malt Whisky Society vaults where a huge range of single-cask whiskies can be tasted before bought. The SMWS Vaults aint exactly a proletarian drinking-den along the lines of the Bothan Eoropaidh in Lewis but if you like serious whisky, it's the place to go. Therefore, i picked up one of their new Caol Ila bottlings (cask 53.131 'Turbuso Humo', 9yo, 67.9%) at a mere £38. Diageo will apparently release their Caol Ila manager's choice in March 2010 at a hefty £300. You do the sums.

Boycott Scatchland, Arsene Whinger, Diageo agus Scots' fitba

What a start to the new fitba season. Compassion is the IN-WORD. Having shown compassion to Al-Megrahi, I now call on Scots' Justice Secretary Coinneach MacAsgaill, he of good Isle of Lewis stock, to show equal compassion to Gary Caldwell of Glesgay Celtic, Christian 'Nada' Nade of Hearts and the high-heid-yins of Diageo. For they aint getting SFA from me.

The last 2 or 3 weeks, have seen Gary Caldwell outshine himself as an arsehole at every opportunity. Fine for Celtic, but his performance in Scotland's 4-0 drubbing by whale-killing alcohol-taxing Norway is unforgivable. Christian Nade has apparently been a professional footballer and striker for 9 years in which time he has 'amassed' 19 goals - that's 2.1 per annum. Why are cash-strapped Hearts paying this dud's wages and giving him games? His lumbering around the centre circle in Hearts' first leg game against Dinamo Zagreb was an embarrassing advert for Scottish football. Diageo are looking to sack hundreds of whisky jobs in Kilmarnock, simply because their profits are 'down' to £2billion.

On the bright side, the Yanks have realised that boycotting Scotland is not feasible. Refusing to use tarmacked roads, penicillin, television and phones has proved to be a step too far for the 0.0003% of Americans who could place Scotland on a map and have actually heard of Al-Megrahi or Lockerbie. Hearts' redeemed themselves in the second leg against Zagreb. I also hear from a Lochend Jambo and local punk rocker that he terrorised some 'Hibee Yahs' who were cheering on Dundee United in Mathers a few weeks ago. Apparently Hibs are the 'flair team' of Auld Reekie and Hearts are too un-PC. So, the 'Sex and the City' question this week is... Would Ben Fogle support Hibs?

Also, was good to see diving cheat Eduardo get collared by UEFA, much to the chagrin of Arsene Whinger of Arsenal. Now, let's see if the ugly sisters of the Old Firm promote the same justice when playing their fellow Scottish clubs.

As festival time draws to a close and thousands of zany Ben Fogle clones head back to the Great Satan, i managed to catch the free Rough Cut Nation exhibition of graffiti at the Portrait Gallery. It wasn't as intoxicating as the excellent Whisky Fringe two weeks ago but i was fair chuffed to see someone had captured Hibs' new forward line - see above. They might even score more goals than goalie MaKalamity can flap into his own net, but they won't get into many Edinburgh 'nightspots'.