A menagerie of Tories

As collective nouns go, it could be worse. A fossil of Tories? A coffin of Tories? A toley of Tories? A bastard of Tories?

Whatever, bad Tories are ten-a-penny and no doubt most of them remain mired in a swamp of crypto-fascism. However, in this dark age of austerity when doomladen stormclouds such as the Tax Payers' Alliance and UKIP threaten to steal Tory votes and rain down free-market madness on the rest of us, it's refreshing, if not bizarre to hear a Tory attacking plans to save the NHS money by cutting expenditure on homeopathy.

Carlaw - the touchy feely Tory

If Norman Tebbit has 'something of the night' about him, then Jackson Carlaw has 'something of the David Icke'. In spadefuls.

Homeopathy along with its siblings of religion, racism and conservatism is born of illogicality and mundane human fantasy. Its central tenet is that like cures like. Maybe... though it's the bit where the 'cure' is diluted to impossible levels leaving only a 'memory' that makes no sense. And, if there is a memory, then what it is? Human bowels? The sewage system? Thatcher's wet mattress?

Backing this steaming pile of manure though is the Scottish Tories' very own loose cannon, Jackson Carlaw. Lothian NHS wants to stop giving £200K to mumbo-jumbo and use it elsewhere. Carlaw isn't amused though and has lined up voodoo dolls of Salmond et al for the Countryside Alliance to spike at will.

There may be more reason to Carlaw's faerie-magik than first meets the eye. New Health Secretary for England, the flamboyant Jeremy Hunt, not only wants to stop abortion and sell off the NHS but is a firm believer in homeopathy. Not only that but homeopathy isn't actually the 'nice' holistic solution that some may believe it to be. Apart from being a fraud, it's a multi-billion dollar industry. Sugar pill factories don't come cheap but someone in 'Big Pharma' is being well remunerated.

Struan - methane producer

What next though? A Tory campaign to divert money from the education budget to Nessie Hunts?

Manure is something that country boy Struan Stevenson is more than acquainted with. Interestingly enough his first name comes from the Scottish sruthan meaning 'little stream'.  Struan has spent his entire life spouting a constant stream of shit, so much so that his face now resembles a cow's anus. Perfectly.

Of late, his favourite topic to defecate upon has been wind farms. He strongly opposes renewable energy being subsidised as if investment in the industries of the future is somewhat on a par with feeding new born babies into sausage machines.

Dru Mitch - Fuck Da Police man

Lastly we have the case of the cop-hating Tory, Andrew Mitchell. Apparently Mitchell is a 'keen disciplinarian' which probably means he's got a fetish for getting his arse tanned thanks to his formative years in a boarding school. Jeremy Paxman's book 'The English' goes into this kind of thing in greater detail.

I'm sure that its been observed elsewhere but were ordinary plebs to tell the cops to 'fuck off you lower class pleb scum', we'd see the inside of a meatwagon before you could say 'this is your thin blue line that has saved you from a kicking on many an occasional you ungrateful Tory prick'. Otherwise its a sad attempt by a middle aged man to 'get down with da yoof' by dissing the pigs NWA style.

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